How Am I Doing? -- 1 Month Later

my mom is dead.

it's been approximately one month since she died, but it feels no less strange saying that phrase today then it did on the day it actually happened.

yes, i am aware that a month has passed in between, and yes, my pain has lessened during that time (in fact, it's lessened considerably), but it still doesn't change what has happened.  on the contrary, as the whirlwind slows and the dust settles, it seems to have only clarified things more sharply.

i will never be able to talk to her again.  i will never be able to hug her.  try as i might to move forward and return to some semblance of an everyday life i still find myself distracted, frequently having to beat back thoughts of her no longer being here, while at the same time trying to hold firmly onto her memory.

the constant inquiries from friends and family wanting to know how i'm doing has slowed a bit, and to be honest, i'm thankful.  this isn't to say i don't appreciate the concern (or that people aren't still thinking about me and inquiring), but i'd just assume not answer the same questions every day, especially given the subject.

so, for anyone currently wondering, this is for you--

i am doing fine...except when i'm not.

the reality is, the answer to your question is a constantly changing one that i have trouble enough getting a grasp on myself from moment to moment without having to try and articulate it at the precise moment you're asking.

i suppose the better question (and in some ways i think the one you actually mean to ask) is, will i be okay?  and to that, i can unequivocally say maybe.

i'm kidding of course, i'm sure i'll be fine.  i just don't know how long it will be till i am (though i'm beginning to think that it may be a while).

see, on top of actually mourning and grieving the loss, i've started to realize that i need to learn how to live again in a world where my mom being sick and dying is not at the center, because in a lot of ways that's what the last three years have been...and to be honest, i don't remember how to do that just yet.

in my mind i recognize that i no longer need to spend my days walking around like a tightly coiled ball of anxiety, nervous that the next phone call could be the proverbial "other shoe dropping," (as the other shoe has now dropped...and it's been buried), but i still haven't figured out how to tell my body.

also, i no longer need to feel like i'm racing a clock (at least not as acutely).

every decision (in life, in love, in pursuit of my career) can exist on its own now, or at least absent the added pressure of being made with a desperate wanting to reach certain life moments before she was gone (not to mention absent the at-times crippling guilt that comes from realizing that this wasn't going to happen).

i suppose there's a reason why they're called life altering events, because that is, quite literally, precisely what they are.

but the good news is these alterations can be used to make me better, or perhaps i should say (as cliched and new-agey as it might sound) to make a better me.

i know what i want (and, thanks to tv and being a child of the 80s, i know that "knowing is half the battle").  it's time for to me to re-calibrate, to get back to LIVING my life, not fighting against it...

i'm looking forward to it.