Film

here we go…just in time before the final hours of ‘06 tick off, the top 10 list is complete (sort of - i still didn’t get to see pan’s labyrinth). anyways, just a note on selection, these picks don’t necessarily mean that i think these were the 10 most critically accomplished films of the year (i.e. the films that will/should be nominated for oscars), rather they represent the 10 films which i most enjoyed this past year.

let’s kick it.

10. The Fountain - darren aronofsky’s trippy, complex, science fiction love story of epic proportions. at times confusing, always visually breathtaking, this film was one were i left the theater feeling overwhelmed as if the film itself had permeated my consciousness. as opposed to wondering what it was about, all i could think of was how much it affected me.

9. Casino Royale - the latest bond flick was stripped of all the outrageous gimmicks that had held down and limited many of the recent 007 entries and what was left was the origins of the man whose last name is synonomous with action. daniel craig’s portrayal while perhaps not as iconic as connery’s will eventually be considered (in my opinion) the most complex and satisfying of anyone to ever utter the words, “bond, james bond.”

8. Letters From Iwo Jima - the second of two films by clint eastwood about the assault of the small island in the south pacific was another example of eastwood’s mastery of minimalist filmmaking. the story was moving, the stark, desaturated cinematography was beautiful and a perfect compliment to the subject matter. and in contrast to flags of our fathers, letters never strayed too far from the heart of the story with its structure and flashbacks and therefore was able to maintain a narrative flow much more engaging and satisfying then before.

7. Borat - easily the funniest film of the year, and perhaps in a while. sacha baron cohen’s portrayl is part sketch comedy, part improv, and part peformance art. by using his simple minded borat as a juxtaposition to those he interacts with, cohen turns a mirror on the society we live in to expose the comedy of outrageousness that exists among us throughout all slices of life.

6. Dreamgirls - a flashy, stylish, and mesmerizing musical that leaves you wanting to clap after perfomances as if you were seeing them live. the acting and singing are impressive and at times amazing, bill condon’s second venture into the film world of musicals (chicago) is far more successful in execution and enjoyable in all aspects then he he was previously able to accomplish, leaving dreamgirls as my favorite musical this side of moulin rouge.

5. The Descent - pure, unadulterated horror the classic way. with more attention paid to substance over style (not that it lacks in that department either), the descent is a film that leaves you on the edge of your seat and terrified and not just because of the monsters.

4. The Departed - classic scorsese. this top notch ensemble cast execute the remake of the hong kong action thriller “infernal affairs” impeccably. whether or not the film leads to scorsese receiving his first directing oscar is irrelevant, what it has proven is that he is still capable of making thrilling, violent, and complex films that leave you completely satisfied.

3. Little Children - full of oscar caliber performances, this adaptation of tom perrotta’s book of the same name (also the author of election) is an audacious, disturbing and darkly humorous take on difficult subject matter (including infedility and pedophilia). director todd field employs the use of a dry voice over that is one of the most effective uses of the technique (ironically enough, or perhaps not) this side of Election. with an end result being a film that is an unflinching and unscathing dissection of the darker sides that can be found in corners of the insulated worlds most people inhabit.

2. Brick - the most original vision of any film i saw this past year. rian johnson’s modern day noir set in and around the world of high school uses the conventions of classic noir but inserts them into a world that allows for his characters to exist in a setting that is not bound by the same constrictions often found in the genre. the story, the language, and the characters are at once familiar but also distinctly original. the result is refreshing, engaging, and intense.

1. United 93 - hands down the best film of the year. in my opinion if paul greengrass’s docudrama about the passengers aboard the september 11 flight that crashed in pennsylvania doesn’t get nominated and win best picture it will be a travesty. the film is gripping, brave, terrifying, and heart-wrenching all at once. though the outcome is set before we even begin to watch, we never for a moment stop hoping that perhaps the ending will not be what we already know to be true. the cinema verite style only adds to the tension and impact of this portrayal of the final hours of the lives of american citizens who upon the realization of their fates stood tall and made the ultimate sacrifice in answering the challenges that many people (not just americans) have faced throughout history in order to help ensure that a life of freedom for future generations is not only possible, but appreciated and embraced.

okay…happy new year to everyone reading…be safe and i wish you all a wonderful and healthy 2007. see you next year.

Music

so when i said the next three days obviously i meant the next three posts. which isn’t to say that i didn’t have every intention of compiling and posting said lists on consecutive days, but apparently i seemed to have underestimated the time it would take to attend to this task (this is probably compounded by laziness on my part — something which considering it was practically the basis for this very blog seems somewhat fitting to be bookending the year).

anyways. as i said the lists are slow in being finished and this can mostly be directly attributed to two things (not counting the laziness — which affects everything indirectly).

1) i was hoping to see Pan’s Labyrinth and The Good Shepherd before finalizing my top ten film list as there exists the possibility that either or both (most likely pan’s labyrinth from what i hear) might necessitate a spot on the list…and i have not (yet) seen them.

2) i came to the conclusion that compiling a top ten music list is an extremely difficult task, mostly because i have the tendency to (in no doubt facilitated by my ipod/itunes) listen to playlists/mixes and/or the music i like the most, repeatedly. which is to say, going back through the past year’s “albums” has proved a time consuming effort. as i, at times, have had to relisten to certain albums to recall just how much i liked the overall album, as opposed to the numerous songs from said album that can be found on several of these aforementioned ipod playlists.

nevertheless, i have my top ten music list finished it is as follows (you might notice that my descriptions of some of these albums are shorter than my descriptions for television and presumably for film — this is due mostly to the fact that i’m not quite as capable of talking about music critically in the same way that i am in -theoretically- capable of talking about film and tv…also i’m quite tired at the moment):

10. Classified - Hitch Hikin Music — underground hip hop/rap straight from the streets of nova scotia, canada, classified’s latest (his 11th for those keeping count at home) and arguably his best album is full of solid storytelling delivered with an even, effortless flow over some outstanding beats all produced by class.

9. Jenny Lewis With The Watson Twins - Rabbit Fur Coat — jenny lewis, also known as the lead singer of rilo kiley makes her solo debut here in one of the most enjoyable and impressive albums all year.

8. The Roots - Game Theory — everything that you would expect from one of the most musically gifted, consistent and diverse bands not only in hip hop but throughout the entire music industry today.

7. Every Move A Picture - Heart = Weapon — one of my favorite albums all year (obviously), but in a way that transcends inclusion on this list. with a sound reminiscent of Oingo Boingo updated for the year 2006, this album is from start to finish the type of music to make you bob your head unknowingly while you’re driving in the car.

6. Jude - Redemption — one of my favorite singer songwriters, he ranks right up with rufus wainwright for his ability to craft pop melodies that are both simple in scope and complex in their arrangements. has drawn comparisons to jason mraz for his wordplay and lyrical style, but on closer inspection his music is revealed to be far more interesting and his songs much more impactful.

5. The Dears - Gang Of Losers — another band hailing from our neighbors up north, though from montreal this time. the dears are one of the few remaining bands from the last few years who’s band name starts with the word the that i still enjoy listening to. they play orchestral pop and their lead singer sounds like and writes like morrissey.

4. Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings The Flood — part of the new pornographers family, neko case’s latest cd is an outstanding selection of alt-country and americana music that features haunting melodies along with her devestating voice.

3. Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere — musically unlike anything else that came out this year. i’m sure almost all of you reading this have heard the cd, and realize that nothing i could write here could truly describe the uniqueness (is that a word?) of their work.

2. The Decemberists - The Crane Wife — one of my all time favorite bands’ latest release is nothing short of spectacular. first and foremost colin meloy (lead singer) is a storyteller and the songs on this album do not disappoint in this area. encompassing styles ranging from pop to ballad, the crane wife (and all work by the decemberists) is not to be missed.

1. Belle & Sebastian - The Life Pursuit — cross out the “one of” and you have my all time favorite band’s latest release. the album is absolutely and utterly amazing from start to finish, and is definitely their most accessible record to date. full of pop rock songs that will get stuck in your head for weeks, i implore you to check out this album (and others by b&s) and i defy you not to love them.

okay…that is all…but before i go i leave you with this…

problems in logic:

never trust a big butt and a smile
that girl is poison.

but what if the girl tells you not to trust her?

TV

ah…the final days of 2006 are upon us. inevitably, this means it is the time of the year to look back and reflect on the days passed. it also (apparently means) it is time for top 10 lists.

everywhere i look it seems like people are using these final days of the year (except letterman - he’s consistent with his top 10 lists all year round) to assemble top 10 lists for everything imaginable.

in theory, i like the idea of a top ten list as it often allows me to see if perhaps i might have missed something worth checking out. however, inherently, top 10 lists are flawed because they are subjective, and therefore are subject to including things that i think suck (or at the least just not as good as things that were left off said lists).

so, in the spirit of the times i will be compiling my top ten lists over the next 3 days to share with you my thoughts on the past year’s best in tv, music, and film. and as i said these being subjective lists feel free to disagree with my views.

anyways…first off will be television, mostly because this one is the (in my opinion) easiest to think of. but, before i reveal my picks i must preface them with a disclaimer. this is the fact that while i do watch a shitload of television, i do not watch every show and so obviously my picks are limited to shows that i watch, which admittedly is probably more than most and probably includes most of the one’s worth watching.

that said my list will be absent of two shows that i suspect might have been on there under different circumstances — that being The Wire and Battlestar Galactica. said circumstances are due to the fact that these are two shows that i have only recently begun watching (on dvd - during this rerun down period that the holidays provide). so while I can speak to the first season and miniseries respectively of the these two aformentioned shows (both unbelievably good), i cannot comment on there most recent/current seasons that have aired during 2006 — therefore they cannot be included.

okay. one last note about selection, since this list represents the best of 2006, meaning calender year, it is open to any show that aired during the months between last january and now. which will technically include shows from last season of television. however, i am not going to include shows that are a) from last season and no longer on the air - like Invasion which was one of the finest shows on television last fall/spring or b) only ran for a limited number of episodes in 2006 - like Thief the fx show/miniseries which was outstanding, or Arrested Development - one of the greatest shows ever which had it’s final episodes aired last february (though i suppose that arrested also falls under category a).

anyways.

so, now, without further ado…

The Top 10 Shows On TV

10. Lost - between the conclusion of last season and the start of this season the show has been uneven, frustrating, and poorly spaced out, hampering it’s ability to sustain any sort of narrative continuity or pacing. that said, when it’s on it remains one of the most intriguing and well-made hours of television ever. the fact that i (along with many others) can get so annoyed with the show when it’s not delivering like it’s capable only speaks to the promise and potential it has displayed in the past 2+ seasons, and it still remains one of the shows that i am most looking forward to returning in the new year.

9. Rescue Me - denis leary and peter tolan’s fx series is one of the hardest shows on television to classify. while i suppose technically considered a drama, it is also one of the funniest shows on television - albeit, only for those who appreciate dark comedy, which i do. morbidly funny would certainly be an appropriate term for a show whose subject matter often includes topics not found anywhere else on television (including but not limited to: death, alcoholism, infidelity, rape, homosexuality, and life as a firefighter in nyc post 9/11). but, regardless of the subject matter the show is always well-written and denis leary’s performance for the last 3 seasons has been consistently one of the best on television.

8. Dexter - this brilliant new showtime series was one of the most enjoyable hours on television this fall. at first i was hesistant to add another show into the rotation, but thankfully i gave the show a chance, and it certainly was a good thing that i did. similar in many respects to Rescue Me as far as the darkly humorous tone is concerned, this drama about a forensic police officer serial killer who kills serial killers has a ton of potential as the series progresses, and i am anxiously awaiting the second season.

7. The Office - the first comedy on the list, technically/traditionally speaking, though nothing about this show’s comedy is traditional. relying on the unspoken to provide much of the show’s best moments, the ensemble cast is by far the best collection of comedic talent on television (as also evidenced by how many cast members work as writers on the show as well). yet, like other shows on the list, though a comedy and oftentimes hysterical, the show is also about more than being funny, it’s about interacting with others a task that is often difficult if not painful, but due to the grace and talent of the cast and writers never false or cartoonish.

6. Heroes - conceptually speaking this is hands down my favorite show on television. the first half of the show’s first season has been breathtaking and thrilling, and it has set up a second half that if it remains true to form might provide the most enjoyable television watching this spring. the only things holding it back right now in my opinion are the delicate balancing act between the members of the large ensemble cast, some of who’s storylines are weaker than others, that occasionally leads to uneven episodes (or perhaps more accurately - uneven parts of episodes). also, there marketing campaigns are really annoying — but, i suppose the show itself isn’t to blame.

5. Friday Night Lights - along with Heroes this show is my favorite new show on television. the show which has the basic premise of what life is like playing high school football in the state of texas, is in actuality about much more than just football. it is a show about life, love, friendship, growing up, making mistakes, and about overcoming the obstacles that are put in front of us by no choice of our own. and all of these things are portrayed in a gritty, realistic way that never minimalizes the everyday problems that the characters face, while also tackling (no pun intended) the major ones that come their way.

4. 24 - last season’s 24 was quite possibly the finest season yet for the show. most of the cringe-inducing plot points (kim bauer, cougar, heroin addictions, etc) were all disposed off and the show was left with a lean intensity that never seemed to slow down when it came to action, thrills, and twists. and though at times the show borders on being propoganda for the bush administration’s policy on torture and when it’s necessary (pretty much always in the world of jack bauer), the show nevertheless never really tries to be deliberately political or philosophical as this would mean time that would have to be spent taking away from the action.

3. It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia - without a doubt the funniest fucking show on television. perhaps the funniest show since seinfeld, and at times, yes, funnier. the show’s second season (with the inclusion of danny devito) really hit its stride, as the writing got stronger and the scenes truly turned into well-crafted episodes as opposed to moments of hilarity as was occasionally the case in the first season. in contrast to say Rescue Me’s use of taboo topics for darkly comedic moments, It’s Always Sunny is built entirely on the premise of using the same topics as the basis for entire episodes. racism, patriotism, homosexuality, abortion, the middle east, incest, pedophilia, and the handicapped to name a few, provide the basis for plotlines that leave me at times crying from laughter.

2. The Shield - in reality, The Shield is probably 1a, as the truth of the matter is that no show on television is as gripping, well-written, well-acted, and well-directed as The Shield is from episode to episode. the show takes place in a world of grey where morality, ethics, and the line between right and wrong are things that exist but in an ever shifting state to accomodate and serve whatever the current situation dictates. the show asks viewers to essentially identify with a cop (and his crew) who is at best corrupt and at worst no better than the criminals he is trying to put away.

1. Deadwood - david milch’s tension soaked western/drama will go down in my opinion as one of the greatest shows ever to air on television. the show’s premise of life in the frontier town for which the show is named in the dakota territories circa the 1870s doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface as to what the show is/was about. the show, while touching on topics ranging from violence, death, profanity, sex, growth, expansion, technology, alliances, race, corruption, to so much more, was often less about the occurence of these things then it was more so about their very possibility. all portrayed in a lyrical style with some of the most impressive dialogue ever uttered and captured by film. the decision not to continue with another season of the show was one of the greatest disappointments for me this past year (as least so far as television is concerned), and though some small measure of comfort can be taken in knowing that two two-hour tv movies are in the works, it will be extremely difficult to fill the sense of satisfaction and awestruck admiration that an hour of Deadwood left me with.

A Thin Line

there is a thin line between cool and pathetic.

case in point, this afternoon while i was grocery shopping there was a middle-aged man (i’ll guestimate 50) wearing a t-shirt with a logo of a car. above said car were the words, “my other ride is your mother.”

now, believe me, i am as guilty as anyone of wearing semi-ironic t-shirt designs from time to time, but i like to think that (even if i’m still living in los angeles) by the time i reach this age i will have given up on trying to dress like a hipster (which isn’t really why i wear these t-shirts now — usually it’s because they are really comfortable due to the type of cotton they’re made from — and that said, i don’t have any shirts proclaiming that i ride anything).

because the only thing that went through my mind upon seeing this guy was that he was absolutely pathetic for trying to pull this shirt off.

first off, let’s consider how this violates one of the primary principles of comedy (something obviously he was attempting to convey with a shirt containing such a “witty” slogan). things that are (or might be) true, generally aren’t as funny. therefore when a guy wearing a t-shirt that says, “my other ride is your mother” is actually around the same age as my mother, where is the comedy in that? It’s just strange.

of course, since the t-shirt didn’t say alex’s mother, it was generic, let’s consider another possibility. was he intending the comment to be read by his peers? is his other ride an 80 year old woman? see, now it’s just creepy.

there’s really no interpration of that slogan that is going to justify his wearing it.

that said, now let us investigate the possibilities of this same t-shirt on an 80 year old man.

now that would be both ironic and funny…and I would say therefore that this was a man walking with both feet firmly implanted on the cool side of the line.

in the same way if the guy’s shirt said my other ride is your grandmother, i probably would have laughed. come to think of it, i think that t-shirt would be universally funny. No matter what age the person was who was wearing it, it would work.

picture it on a 14 year old
picture it on a 25 year old
picture it on a 50 year old
picture it on a 80 year old.

funny every time (and yes there is a difference between the 50 year old wearing the mother shirt if i interpret it as being directed towards his peers and thereby meaning 80 year old women as opposed to the 50 year old wearing the grandmother shirt. mostly due to the fact that if he’s wearing the grandmother shirt it’s a conscious decision on his part to put out the message that he fucks grandmothers, and that’s funny.)

but, alas, there are no, “my other ride is your grandmother” t-shirts out there (yet).

A

i am jewish (for those of you who were previously unaware). the fact that i am jewish, however, is not what i intend to discuss in this post (at least not directly).

what i do intend to discuss is santa claus, i mention that i am jewish in order to frame this discussion (or one way conversation or what have you) as coming from someone who does not and has never believed (nor had any reason to believe) in santa claus.

that said, the fact that i do not (nor have i ever) believe(d) in santa claus is also not what this post is about.

no, this post is about the fact that i am confused and am seeking clarification from someone (preferably a christian — or perhaps an english professor — i suppose ideally a christian english professor) as to whether or not i am grossly misunderstanding the title of NBC’s forthcoming holiday special, “The Year Without a Santa Claus.”

the way i see it (based on my understanding of both the english language and christmas) this title should be “The Year Without Santa Claus,” and there should be no “a” included.

the inclusion of said letter “a” leads me to believe that either:

1) there exists the possibility that my understanding of the man, Santa Claus, is not correct and that perhaps there is more than one Santa Claus.
or
2) there exists the possibility that my understanding of indefinite articles is not correct and the use of the “a” is absolutely fine.

i am, however, relatively certain that my desire to engage in a discussion over what may turn out to be a semantic point involving the letter “a” and Santa Claus has everything to do with my being a semite (in that sense i suppose this is a blog about my being jewish).

nevertheless.

let’s assume my understanding of christian religious iconography is correct at least so far as to conclude that there is only one (theoretical) Santa Claus.

now, i was always under the impression that although he could be referred to in any number of ways (St. Nicholas, Kris Kringle, etc), being referred to as Santa Claus was one of these accepted and agreed upon designations.

therefore Santa Claus was and is a proper noun.

therefore the letter ‘a’ should not precede it. right?

(presumably) you would not say

A World Without A Jesus
Easter Without A(n) Easter Bunny
Eternity In Hell With A Satan
etc

that is unless you were referring to a proper noun of which there was more than one of in existence.

A Day Without A Mexican (a very thought provoking film i might add)
A Country Without A President
etc.

or unless you were referring to someone other than the actual figure. (i.e. she dressed up as an easter bunny for halloween. he has a jesus complex — which i don’t really know exactly what this would mean, but you get the point).

so perhaps this NBC special is not referring to the actual Santa Claus. maybe it’s a film about a town that passes an ordinance banning anyone from dressing up as or impersonating Santa…no, i just read the blurb, it’s about the “real” Santa Claus losing his faith in Christmas.

so, i’m back to square one. confused.

i’ve always stated my belief that one of the reasons why those of us of the jewish persuasion are so neurotic stems from childhood trauma over the winter holiday period.

see as christians you know that every year on Dec. 25th you will be celebrating christmas.

as jews we have to deal with the fact that there are umpteen different ways of spelling hanukkah (hanukah, hannukah, hannukka, chanukah, channukah, channukkah, chanukkah, etc.), and you never really know when precisely it will occur. it changes yearly.

for a kid that’s a lot to deal with. but deal with it we do.

but now, maybe, perhaps, there are some little christian children out there wondering if their understanding of Santa Claus (the very foundation of the holiday that provides them this stability to prevent years of confusion and stress) is incorrect.

and i worry about the fragile nature of their minds, and whether or not they can survive such a catastrophic shattering of their existence.

so, please, if anyone has any insight into what is what here, or can clarify and/or clear up any of my misconceptions do not hesitate to let me know.

think of the children.

Weekend Recap

a big hearty welcome to Dominic Monaghan who is the latest addition to the list of celebrities i have seen. spotted inside the Arclight lobby this past saturday as my brother and i were exiting after having seen Stranger Than Fiction (very enjoyable), he was standing in line to buy tickets (to what, i’m unsure).

otherwise the rest of the weekend was enjoyable and (as usual) low key. i also saw Babel (ehh), and watched Kicking and Screaming (the noah baumbach version - which was quite good and recommended to anyone who liked The Squid and The Whale).

this week is going along swimmingly so far, as i’ve been getting back into the regular routine of my life in los angeles…which coincidentally (or perhaps not) is strikingly similar to my life when i was not in la (a bit more writing with less weddings and golf).

tomorrow one of my all time favorite films (Bernardo Bertolucci’s Il Conformista aka The Confromist). is finally being released on dvd so needless to say i’m excited. for those of you who appreciate a good flick, check out this Italian masterpiece, you will not be disappointed (if you are, then you’re stupid).

now it is time to get ready for this evening’s television, and so i bid you all adieu.

The Weather Is Wonderful

hey kids.

happy belated thanksgiving to you all and welcome to december. i’m back in la after my extended trip to the east coast for some (extremely enjoyable) weddings in nyc and (also enjoyable) thanksgiving festivities in the f-l-a.

all in all good times. though, needless to say, the trips were not entirely without incident (i am really beginning to wonder if these things happen more often when i’m around, or if i’m just more prone to noticing).

anyways. the first such incident occurred on my flight from newark to ft. lauderdale shortly before thanksgiving. upon boarding the plane i noticed several passengers wearing surgical masks. now my initial thoughts were that these people were just germophobes and the notion of being trapped in a giant tomb of bacteria (an airplane) for several hours was too much to bear without the use of a filter (something which i could totally respect). however, this soon proved to be not entirely accurate, as shortly before departing the stewardess came over the intercom and spoke the following:

“good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, today several of our passengers onboard have an extremely severe allergy to peanuts and so we will only be able to serve potato chips or our dorito mix for snacking on, and we ask that if any passengers have packed a meal that may contain peanuts that you please refrain from eating it while onboard. we apologize for any inconvenience and should be on our way shortly. thank you.”

okay, first off, being that jetblue’s entire inflight meal service is built around the bring your own meal model this seems like information that might be worth mentioning to passengers before getting on to the plane. like, say, perhaps, in the terminal, when customers might (in theory) be deciding between buying a turkey sandwich or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to eat in an hour...or in the event that they had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with them they would have the time/ability to find an alternative/suitable substitute before boarding (no, i was not affected by either scenario — i had purchased a turkey sandwich in the first place. that said, i did consider the idea of making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before leaving my parents' house only to decide in the end that i was too lazy to make a sandwich and would instead buy one once arriving at the airport. laziness 1 - frugality 0).

my point being i would have been (probably more than) slightly annoyed had i been stuck on a 3 hour flight with only potato chips and dorito mix as sustenance. however, my annoyance (probably) would have paled in comparison to someone who was dying from exposure to peanuts (i say probably because there's just no way of knowing how annoyed i would have been...a lot would have depended on how hungry i was).

so my next question is, if you have that great an allergy to peanuts (one that requires the use of surgical masks and pleas to fellow airline passengers to refrain from consuming peanuts or peanut based products less the particles become airborne and kill you in order to allow for group travel) don’t you think that perhaps you might want to rethink the method of transportation you're using in order to arrive at your holiday destination?

the next incident occurred the wednesday evening before thanksgiving. my family got some chinese food take in for dinner. upon finishing the meal i cracked open a fortune cookie and was graced with the following words of wisdom, “the weather is wonderful.”

what the fuck?

not only was this not a fortune, but it was patently false. it was really, really cold outside (esp. for south florida), and rainy. perhaps it was meant in a more metaphoric sense i.e. a gauge of my temperament. but again this would've been false, and nevermore so than after receiving a fortune stating the weather is wonderful.

the last thing that occurred happened on the flight back to los angeles. this one didn’t really affect me directly, but i think it deserves note nevertheless. in the middle of the flight the stewardess came over the intercom and asked for anyone on board who was a doctor or a physician to push their call button as there was a health emergency with one of the passengers.

generally speaking these words are probably the 2nd worst thing to hear from a stewardess in midflight (behind only, “if anyone on board is a pilot or has any flying experience please push the call button.”).

this is because health emergencies on long flights always raise the possibility of having to divert to another airport so that the sick person can be rushed to the hospital, or worse someone dying midflight and once again having to divert so that the dead body can be removed (and you thought being stuck onboard with the potential to breath in air circulating with peanut particles was hazardous to your health). thankfully, whatever the emergency was, we did not have to divert and therefore no serious delays occurred…though we did have to stay on the plane upon landing for several more minutes so that emt’s could get the sick person off first.

and that about sums up my last 3 weeks.

Sweet Irony

or those of you who don’t follow sports, earlier today bo schembechler, the legendary university of michigan football coach, passed away on the eve of the biggest college football game of the year. as tomorrow the heated rivalry between the wolverines of umich face the buckeyes of ohio state with the winner all but assured a spot in the national championship game. in fact in all the years of this rivalry, tomorrow will mark the first time that the teams will meet while being ranked numbers 1 and 2 respectively in the polls.

but, this is not a blog about college football, at least not completely. no, this is a blog about the hazards of choosing a name for your punk rock band.

see, there’s a punk rock band from the columbus, ohio area who since the early 1990s have been playing under the name of the dead schembechlers.

and for the 16 some odd years of this band’s existence their name has been nothing but a knowing jab at the heated rivalry that exists between fans of these respective schools (and more importantly their football teams)…but now that bo is actually dead, their name is nothing else if not inappropriate and creepy.

so, now, the dead schembechlers, having to deal with the consequences of what happens when you name your band after a person who later passes away have apparently played their final performance under this moniker.

if the band continues on they have stated that they will change their name (presumably this time to something other than the dead - insert name here -).

so to all you folks out there thinking about starting a band, let this be a warning to you. choose carefully.

take it from me…last week i came this close to naming my new band “I Got Shot And A Riot Ensued While Trying To Buy A PSP3.” boy, that would have been awkward.

and now my anecdote about ordering food with a bug and hair in it

and now my anecdote about my ordering food two weeks ago only to have it to arrive with a bug and a hair in it and my ensuing conversation with people from the restaurant from which the food came.

so, two sundays ago (11/5) my brother and i ordered food for dinner from this place called Sultani Restaurant (a little middle eastern place on la brea). we both ordered the same dish, a number 1. which consists of a ground beef koobideh sandwich and a side of hummus. i ordered a side of rice with mine, my brother did not.

we had on previous occassions ordered from Sultani before, but in the past our order had consisted of only their vegetarian platter (1 container each of hummus, baba ghanouj, and tabouleh).

so it was somewhat of an unknown as to what venturing further down their menu would bring us on this particular night. as it turned out, the only thing it ended up bringing us was an overwhelming feeling of nausea and a story for the blog.

the food took quite a while to be delivered, which is never a good sign. i mention this mostly so that you might be cognizant of how hungry we were when the food finally arrived. i suppose the fact that we had practically no other food in the house also merits mentioning.

anyways. after more than an hour the food finally arrived, which we gladly accepted from the delivery guy and got ready to eat.

i opened up the first container which held the sandwich and hummus and assumed that since there was no rice that it belonged to my brother. so i passed it to him and grabbed the other container. slowly i opened the second container. the first thing that i saw was that this container was also missing rice. this disappointed me. however my disappointment quickly disappeared as i noticed that instead of rice my container contained a bug inside (which as far as i was concerned was not an acceptable substitute).

immediately a wave of nausea hit as i said aloud, “there is a bug in my food.”

my brother looked over to confirm that indeed i was not hallucinating and in fact my sandwich had been served up with a side of bug. i’m not entirely sure as to what kind of bug it was. perhaps a small cockroach.

anyways, i suppose what happened next is something that i deserve at least some of the blame for.

the bug was not actually touching the sandwich it was in one of those sectioned styrofoam containers, and so after a brief moment of contemplation my brother said he would take the food with the bug in it. again, be mindful of the state of food in our apartment was little and the time we had waited already to eat was long.

i kept saying no, that there was no way i could eat from this restaurant now, or ever again. but eventually, i caved, and i handed my brother my container and took his. i took a bite of the sandwich and to be honest i didn’t taste anything as the only thing i could think of was the bug.

in fact, i pretty much zoned out in a shell-shocked sort of way. alternately taking bites of the sandwich and scoops of hummus with pita. it therefore took a few moments after my brother said, “um, what’s that?” that i registered he was referring to my food. i looked down at the dish i was eating from, and there in the middle of my side of hummus was a suspicious looking substance. carefully, i used my fork to remove a giant strand of hair.

now not only was i sick to my stomach, i was angry. at this point we put our food down, and i immediately swept the contents into a garbage bag and took the bag out and dumped it down the garbage shoot.

upon returning to my apartment i picked up the telephone and decided that this incident could not go unchallenged, and so i decided i would call the restaurant.

after a few rings a woman picked up and asked how could she help me. to which i replied i had just received an order of food with a bug and a hair in it. now here’s where things get for lack of a better word fascinating. the woman asked me what i wanted, and i said i wanted them to refund my money. oh no we can’t do that, she said. so i demanded to speak to the manager. the manager is not here right now, she told me. so i suggested they find him and have him call me back immediately. to which she said no. so i politely informed her that if the manager didn’t call me back in the next 60 minutes i would be calling the board of the health to inform them of the situation. after a brief pause i was told that the manager would call me shortly.

about 40 minutes go by until the phone rings again. below is to the best of my recollection the conversation that ensued — for most of it i was yelling:

me: hello
manager: yes, hello, i’m manager at sultani restaurant. is there problem?
me: well, if you consider food being served with a bug and hair in it a problem, then i’d say yes.
manager: what, what you mean bug and hair?
me: i just received an order of food from your restaurant and one container had a bug in it and the other had a hair.
manager: no. no sir, i have operated my restaurant for 16 years and i have never had that happen.
me: are you calling me a liar?
manager: no, i…where is the food now?
me: in the garbage.
manager: what about delivery man? is he there?
me: no, he left about an hour ago, right after he gave us the food.
manager: ok, well, i’m sending him back to get the food.
me: he can’t get the food, i told you i threw it out.
manager: no, you shouldn’t have done this.
me: excuse me?
manager: we need to see the food to confirm these things. you shouldn’t have thrown it out.
me: well i don’t know about you, but where i grew up when you order food and it arrives and there is a bug in it and a hair in it then you throw that food out. you don’t save the food.
manager: but we need the food back.
me: and i needed to eat dinner that didn’t have a bug in it.
manager: can you get the food from the garbage?
me: no?
manager: we need the food, you shouldn’t have thrown it away.
me: are you listening to me? people do not save food when it comes with bugs in it, they throw it away. people don’t want to see food that has that in it, it’s disgusting.
manager: no, you save the food for the restaurant so that they can take it back.
me: what? i’m sorry, but maybe in the future if you want customers to save their meals if they arrive with bugs in them then that’s something you should consider putting on your receipt or menu or something, cause most of the time people’s insticts are gonna be if they do happen to get food delivered with either bugs or hair in it is to throw that food away.
manager: well, then i cannot do anything.
me: what do you mean.
manager: i cannot give you new food if you threw away the old food.
me: i don’t want new food, i want my money back.
manager: no, i cannot do that.
me: yes, you can.
manager: no, i cannot. i can only replace the food with new food.
me: what about my explanation of receiving food with a bug and hair in it from your restaurant makes you think that i would want to get more food from your restaurant. i want my money back, i don’t want other food.
manager: fine, i can give you a credit.
me: did you hear what i just said?
manager: i hear fine.
me: then why did you offer me a credit to order food from somewhere that i will clearly never eat from again. let me tell you a little something about this thing called consumer trust. when you a restaurant serve me a consumer food with bugs and hair in it you lose that trust, after that i never eat your food again. do you know why? because people trust restaurants to serve them food that is 100% bug and hair free. so telling me you’re gonna give me anything short of my money back right here is unacceptable.
manager: i cannot do that.
me: well then i’m going to be calling the board of health to report you and my credit card company to dispute the charge.
manager: fine
me: okay, fine.

at which point i hung up and proceeded to eat a spoonful of some mac and cheese and a sausage that we had in the freezer.

the end.

This And That

okay, i have a fantastic anecdote to share involving the ordering of take-in food this past sunday evening, said food arriving with a bug and hair in it, and the aftermath that ensued including my conversations with the manager of this establishment…however, i do not have the time to share said anecdote at the moment.

the reason for this is because i still have a decent amount of packing to do before heading east for the next couple of weeks to attend some weddings and spend thanksgiving with the fam. but, i promise the details of this incident will be forthcoming in the next few days so stay tuned.

for now, back to packing and watching election results…

Tomorrow Comes Today

As a child I used to loathe the years when Halloween fell on a weekday. This would inevitably mean less time for trick or treating and therefore less candy. Nowadays I am less upset by the mid-week occurrence, mostly because it means that Halloween turns into an extended holiday where it becomes acceptable to spend anywhere from 3-5 days partying in a costume (depending on the proximity of the closest weekend). Not to mention I also am now more than fully capable of driving to the store and buying all the candy that I want at any time of the year.

Anyways. This past weekend some of said partying took place at the Kibitz room, as I was fortunate enough to catch a few local bands perform. The bands were The Daves (who are 1/2 of the Whiskey Saints http://www.myspace.com/thewhiskeysaints), The Squares (http://www.myspace.com/thesquaresla), and The Mythical Creatures (http://www.myspace.com/mythicalcreatureslive).

All of them were outstanding, however the performance by The Mythical Creatures was especially entertaining (and in this case highly relevant) as the band consists of (as the name implies) mythical creatures featuring a Unicorn, Santa Claus, The Wolfman, Dracula, The Grim Reaper, and (i’m told) Zeus (who was unable to make it to Friday’s performance). Any theoretical resemblance between said mythical creatures and certain members of the Daves and the Squares I am told is completely coincidental.

I definitely recommend checking them out, and for those in the LA area i highly recommend trying to see them live as they give one of the better live performances of any local band i’ve come across in many, many years.

Then on my way home from the bar I drove past a bunch of people on Hollywood Blvd wandering/stumbling around drunkenly in costume. The highlight being a midget in a Chuckie costume. Well, presumably it was a midget…I suppose it could have been a child, but given that it was 2am I’m leaning towards midget (then again it is hollywood).

On Saturday I saw Flags Of Our Fathers, which has nothing to do with Halloween, but since it was part of how I spent my weekend I figured it deserves mentioning here. It was enjoyable but nothing great (the film, not the weekend).

Alright, time to go watch some television.

Happy Halloween everyone.

C-O-N-spiracy

so, it’s been pointed out to me by several people that a day after my latest blog post (re: television theme songs, or the recent lack thereof) that an AP article appeared covering this same topic.

now, while some might say that this is a timely coincidence demonstrating the relevance of my blog. i say clearly there is only one logical explanation…which is the associated press has obviously (unbeknownst to me) implanted a microchip into my brain in order to steal my thoughts to use for their own nefarious gains.

not to worry, i will take the necessary steps to assure that this aggression will not continue, and do not be alarmed if you see me in the future wearing an aluminum/tin foil hat.

otherwise, the weekend was good. saw a couple of films. The Departed, which was outstanding and i highly recommend…and The Prestige, which was enjoyable with some really impressive performances, but overall not nearly as good as The Departed.

However, at the screening of The Prestige i was graced with another celebrity sighting. sitting in the row in front of me at the Arclight was Danny Woodburn (better known as Mickey from Seinfeld). Who, unlike many of the other celebrities i see, was exactly as short as i would have expected.

We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

right. i suppose another explanation is in order to address my latest prolonged absence from blogging. i don’t really have one, other than to say i’m lazy (something that those of you who’ve read my blog from day one are already well aware of).

this isn’t to say, however, that i haven’t been busy in the time since last i blogged. on the contrary…two weekends ago i was back in las vegas for a bachelor party weekend. and you’ll notice two new additions to the celeb list (that is if you’re reading this on friendster if not…well take my word for it, they’ve been added) as nicky hilton and her beau kevin connolly were in town and ended up stealing our reservation for dinner saturday night. otherwise the weekend was a good time, but comments regarding events that took place shall be left unspoken (written) about.

as the saying goes, what happens in vegas stays in vegas…except syphillis, you take that with you (note to any concerned — syphillis has in no way shape or form contributed to my blogging absence).

one of the things that i have been doing with my lazy ass is enjoying the return of fall tv’s regular programming (sans the interruptions caused by baseball — which i don’t mind as of the moment, being that i am a mets fan).

there have been a bunch of really good new shows that i highly recommend you check out if you aren’t already watching.

Heroes
Studio 60
Friday Night Lights
Jericho
Dexter
The Nine

these new shows are in my opinion the best of the bunch and have all been slotted into my weekly tv schedule which now takes up aprox. 15 hours a week (not counting sports and miscellaneous shows that i don’t watch habitually). impressive right?

anyways, with all this television watching i’ve recently realized that tv today is sorely lacking in one area that once graced practically ever show on air…that is the original theme song.

now, i’m not talking about the opening score/sound effects that seems to be all the rage these days (see: Lost, ER, Jericho, Prison Break, etc.) or the use of songs that were not created for the sole purpose of being a theme song (see: OC).

no, what i want is a return to the days when shows had fantastic opening theme songs that could then be later gathered on to compilation cds of tv’s greatest hits. i think that future generations are being denied one of the great pleasures that comes from hearing a decade old television theme song that instantly produces nostalgiac feelings of days passed.

the original tv theme song is a lost art, and one that i believe that has greater ramifications for our children then most of the other problems in the world today.

years from now (if the world hasn’t been destroyed by global warming, nuclear holocaust, plague, etc) what will college kids have at their disposal to sing at 3 in the morning while drunk if television doesn’t provide them with any good theme songs from when they were young?

The Facts of Life, Different Strokes, Charles In Charge, Growing Pains, etc…

now those were shows with theme songs you could get behind and look forward to hearing on a week to week basis. these days there’s nothing even close to resembling a classic tv theme song(except for perhaps Family Guy, they have a fantastic opening theme song, which probably stems from the fact that without all those great shows of the 80s there probably would be no Family Guy).

in the course of thinking about this blog topic i was spent a lot of time debating with myself as to what the greatest television theme song of all time was. in the end i decided it was a tie between the theme from The Garry Shandling Show and Land Of The Lost

what do you think?

me ♥ vacation

so, i’ve been out of town for the last week or so. I was in Vegas “vacationing” with the fam. I use quotes because these last few days have only served to reinforce what i knew prior to my driving east, which is that my parents’ idea of what constitutes a vacation are vastly different from mine.

for example, I enjoy playing golf while on vacation…I do not however enjoy waking up before 6am to do so. waking up at sunrise is something that should only be done (if ever) when going to work.

I’m pretty sure I could have gotten up early and not gone on a vacation.

this isn’t to say that I didn’t have a good time. for the most part I did (good parts consisted mainly of great restaurants, the actual process of golfing, as opposed to waking up to go golfing, cirque de soleil shows - esp. Love - and winning $200 in about 45 minutes)…however, i will probably need a week of sleeping to recover. unfortunately, this week will not be forthcoming as for part of this coming week my parents will be continuing their vacation out here in LA. There is, however, as of the moment, no golf planned. that said, i’m sure other reasons will be found to necessitate waking up at the crack of dawn.

anyways.

today, i spent the day running around trying to do some errands, which was for the most part a pain in the ass.

i will not get into this further, as there was little interesting to be said for these errands other than to describe the traffic that came with them…and i’m of the belief that traffic is, generally speaking, not something worth talking about more than to say it sucks.

i did, however see a very interesting license plate on a car in said traffic that gave me some things to think about at one point this afternoon.

the license plate said me ♥ tivo.

now, haivng been on vacation during the week when most of the new shows (as well as returning shows) that i plan on watching this fall made their debuts, this is a sentiment that i can certainly appreciate.

that said, i couldn’t help but wonder if

a. I ♥ tivo was taken and so the person had to settle for the poor grammar choice

b. the person has watched so much television it has in fact rotted his brain

c. the person was a foreigner and is still learning the nuances of personal pronouns.

or

d. the person is stupid.

along with his license plate, some other things of interest on his car were a large selection of bumper stickers (some of which covered portions of the car other than the bumper - so i’m not certain if these should still be referred to as bumper stickers or not). One of these stickers said, “divorce kevin.” I think this is probably as much of a clue as needed in order to determine which of the above scenarios is the most likely.

If I Ran A Tabloid

A few weeks ago (see post from 8/29) word began to circulate that Osama Bin Laden had a huge crush on Whitney Houston. Reportedly, Osama believed Whitney to be a beautiful woman brainwashed by American culture and Bobby Brown. It was even stated that Osama had gone so far as to discuss the possibility of having Bobby killed (whether this was intended to free Whitney from his brainwashing clutches, or to perhaps open the door for himself was never clear).

And now, yesterday, news outlets began to report that Whitney (after 14 years of marriage) has filed for divorce, citing the usual irreconcilable differences.

Now, i’m not saying anything, i’m just saying…

Whitney and Bobby manage to remain together for 14 years. Their marriage withstood drug addictions, numerous arrests (some w/ jail time), the decline of Whitney’s image (from the once queen of the early 90s to the cracked out lunatic of today), allegations of domestic abuse, and god knows what else.

Then a couple of weeks ago word of Osama’s crush is revealed, and yesterday Whitney and Bobby call it quits?

Coincidence? I think not.

A Brief Recap Of Some Weekend Events

The majority of this past weekend was spent catching up on some movie watching. I saw Little Miss Sunshine, Idiocracy, The Illusionist, and also got around to watching When The Levees Broke, the Spike Lee doc on Katrina.

All of these films were very enjoyable.

However, if you are a Mike Judge fan, and have the opportunity, i highly recommend you see Idiocracy, as this was by far one of the funniest films i’ve seen in years. I’m not sure as to what exactly is going on with the film, as it hasn’t been advertised at all, and i’ve heard rumors that something happened between Judge and the studio (fox) that is causing them (fox) to sandbag the film, so i’m not sure how many of you will have the ability to see it…but if you can, you should. you will laugh. a lot.

I also have a few new additions to my celebrity list. So, welcome to Bob Odenkirk (who was sitting behind my brother and I at the Arclight for Idiocracy), and Tori Spelling (who walked into Joans on Third briefly Saturday afternoon before — i presume — deciding it was too long to wait for lunch)

It’s actually been a while since i encountered any celebs in the flesh, which could be attributed to the fact that i don’t lead a very glamourous life and so the places i go to are not the types of places that celebrities would frequent. Or it could be attributed to the fact that i don’t really go out much at all. It is probably a nice healthy mix of the two.

Anyways, for those of you on MySpace who are unaware, I have been keeping track of all the celebrities that i have encountered during my time in LA. I am unsure whether I have the capabilities to post said list here in the same manner it is displayed on my Friendster blog. I will investigate this and get back to you.

But, for those of you looking to view the list, feel free to head over to my friendster blog at any time.

Also, for those of you looking at my list for the very first time, you may perhaps be interested in reviewing my criteria in determining celebrity status. And you can do so here

alright…that’s all for the recap.

Possibly The Greatest Thing Ever

this might be the greatest idea i’ve ever seen. unfortunately, i probably do not possess the moral constitution required to take advantage of all they have to offer. but, please, don’t let that stop you.

click here

Correction Department

upon exiting our vehicle the other day, my brother and i were not, in point of fact, face to face with a 6′3″ transvestite.

the more accurate description - i was face to surgically enhanced chest, whereas my brother was face to bulge.

A Giant Waste Of Time

I knew it. I have long suspected that everything I learned as a child in school was a giant waste of time, and today my suspicions were confirmed.

For those of you who have not yet heard, Pluto is no longer a planet. Yes, leading astronomers had been meeting this past week to decide the fate of the solar system…and when all the votes were in, Pluto was out.

Therefore there are now only 8 planets, which are defined as:

“a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a … nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.”

Pluto, for those wondering, is automatically disqualified because its oblong orbit overlaps with Neptune’s. It will now instead be reclassified as a “dwarf planet.”

Now, maybe this decision might be popular among these alleged astronomers who had the final decision in this matter, but i worry that this is a slippery slope we’ve started down, and to be honest i am downright fearful of what else might prove to be useless in the coming years.

Just think how many minutes were wasted trying to learn the planets way back when. Time that could have been spent doing more important things like playing video games, or watching tv, or eating crayons (or however else you chose to spend your free time as a child). I imagine that at least 5-10 minutes could have been saved had I needed to only learn 8 planets as opposed to (the at the time correct amount of) nine.

And I ask you, what’s next?

Will they decide in a few years that Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species is no longer the proper way to classify things in Biology? Will I be forced to come up with some other mnemonic device besides King Phillip Came Over From Great Spain in order to sort it out? How long will that take?

Am I going to wake up tomorrow and find out some new element has been discovered to the periodic table? That it slides in between Selenium and Bromine. And now Bromine has become 36, and Krypton is 37, and Rubidium 38, etc…

Or, perhaps someone is going to finally declare once and for all that Grover Cleveland should only be counted one time as President, and that all the other numbers from 22 on are one off (because even if he was elected to 2 non-consecutive terms, he is still only one man and so really there’s only been 42 men to ever hold the office).

Where will it end?

Is nothing sacred?

I will tell you that looking back this evening on all the time I (potentially) wasted, I am extremely grateful for one thing…

That I refused to attempt to learn the metric system. A decision, which I might add, that led to a D for one marking period in 7th grade.

Ms. Hennessey, my science teacher, did not accept my logic that Americans didn’t need to learn the metric system because as the leaders of the free world other countries would adapt to whatever system of measurements we wanted to use.

And that there was no chance the metric system would ever become the dominant system of measuring in the United States, and therefore it was foolish to spend the time trying to learn all the conversions.

I remember she laughed at me, telling me that I had a narrow view of the importance of the metric system and that someday in the future I’d be grateful that I knew that 100 feet is equal to 3.05 dekameters or approximately 30.5 meters.

Well, who’s laughing now Ms. Hennessey? Who’s laughing now?

ew to area. looking for adventurous playmates. clean and fun.

so, my time at myspace is going well so far…which isn’t to say that there hasn’t been any issues.

seems like myspace and macs do not get along very well…as although (at myspace’s suggestion) i am using either safari or firefox as my browser, i’ve still been having trouble loading pages and viewing images. in fact, at one point this afternoon my account was shut down for “maintenance” due to the high volume of error messages they kept receiving from my computer.

anyways, it seems to have been worked out (as evidenced by my ability to post this blog).

the other issue that i’m dealing with (and only slightly less annoying) is the large number of friend requests i keep getting from the apparently large number of nymphomaniacs who when they’re not “banging complete strangers,” spend their free time using myspace.

most of these women have names like kiana, lena, tami, faith, etc.

and you have to wonder about what goes through people’s minds when they bestow one of these aforementioned names on their daughters at their births. they really aren’t giving them too many options down the road.

take faith for example…with that name, that girl was pretty much guaranteed a life of either an extremely devout religious person or a total whore. 50-50. and i ask, as a parent, are those odds you’re comfortable with?

the other thing that confuses me, is that all of these women apparently have the same learning disability…that is the inability to use the letter n as the first letter in a word. as they all claim they are “ew to area,” whereas i suspect they really mean they are new (though even this claim is probably suspect).

i wonder if this is a documented disabilty. perhaps it might be found in the same family as heinsbergen syndrome?

whatever the case maybe…ladies, i wish you all the best of luck, however i must regretfully decline your request to be my friend.

Late Night Groceries

last evening, for a change, i decided to do some grocery shopping at 11:30pm. this decision was precipitated by the fact that lately grocery shopping has taken up way too much time during my days, thereby hindering my ability to do a lot of writing (I suppose the size of my fridge is also playing a part - as the inability to keep large amounts of food on hand is obviously directly related to the frequency with which grocery shopping is required).

thankfully, here in Hollywood there is a 24 hour Ralphs close by that makes late night grocery shopping possible.

now, as many of you are aware, Hollywood is filled with freaks, and apparently this segment of the population tend to comprise the majority of customers who do their grocery shopping late at night.

but the strange thing about being in a grocery store full of freaks is how immune or numb everyone seems to be to the behavior of some.

por ejemplo, there was a gentleman whose, as far as i can tell, sole purpose in the store last night was to walk up down every aisle while repeating the phrase, “where are the cookies?”

now, normally, this sort of behavior would, during the day at any rate, lead to more than just myself stopping their shopping to observe…and yet, as he continued to mumble, I seemed to be the only one paying any attention to his behavior (fyi — upon discovering the cookies he proclaimed, “here they are.” at which point he then left the store).

i suppose if you do your shopping late at night, you just come to expect this kind of thing…though i would imagine that no matter how often i saw a man walking up and down the aisles mumbling to himself about the location of baked goods, i would still continue to stop whatever it was that i was in the middle of in order to observe (perhaps, that’s just me).

either way, i think there might be a new time for grocery shopping in my life.

Embracing Technology

I’ve been resisting this for a while now, but it seems like my defenses are starting to wear thin. I think that I am finally going to break down and create a MySpace page.

Back when the initial Friendster and MySpace page craze hit, I declined any participation on the basis that I was looking to avoid contact with a certain element of people that I had been exposed to in the past and who you could say existed on the outer fringes of my social circle.

My thinking was that I didn’t want these people knowing anything at all about my life, and though it was bad enough that they continued (to some extent) to inquire from my friends as to what I was up to, I didn’t think I needed to facilitate this task and provide all the information they were seeking with the few clicks of a mouse.

Eventually, however, I felt that there was enough distance between me and said element (both literally and figuratively as my move across country came) and I relented to sign up here at Friendster so that I could hopefully utilize one more tool at my disposal thanks to the wonders to technology in order to try and keep up with the group of people who I still wanted in my life.

Now, I believe I’ve reached a point where the only people who would care to check out what was going on in my life (as much as one can on either Friendster or MySpace) are the people who I care about and vice versa, as well as complete strangers…which is exactly how these things should be.

And so, after some soul searching I believe it is time to add a MySpace page to part of my online existence. I think that if all my friends were on Friendster this would be a non-issue, however, there are in fact a portion of people i know who only belong to MySpace. And so we exist together but in a state of disconnect here on the social pages of the internet, and so I look to once again bridge the technological space that keeps us apart.

MySpace here I come.

The Descent

If you are looking for a really disturbing way to spend an hour and a half go see The Descent.

I saw this film earlier this afternoon, and believe me when i tell you, it is one of the best horror films you will ever see. Well made, extremely scary, with an artistic aesthetic foreign to most films of this genre made today.

I don’t really have too much else to say, as i’m not really looking to discuss the film itself anymore than i already have in this venue.

But, trust me, if you like horror/scary films, run, do not walk, to the theater and see this film. You won’t be disappointed. You will be disturbed.

The Fate Of The World

I cut my finger this evening. sliced it open on the part of the aluminum foil box that is normally used to help tear the foil off cleanly. it hurt. however, i will not let it affect my good mood. why am i in a good mood you ask? because today i read that paris hilton has decided to become celibate for the next year.

this is, in fact, some of the greatest news i’ve heard in a long time. i know the odds are slim, but perhaps paris will find the celibate life so rewarding and fulfilling that she’ll decide to keep it up for longer than a year. maybe she’ll eventually decide that this is how she wants to live the rest of her life. this would be the greatest thing ever, as this would mean that she will bare no offspring.

the world is already a whole lot worse off now that britney spears is popping out babies left and right…perhaps if paris hilton decides to never have children this will help to balance out the number of people who are doing all they can to destroy the solid principles of darwinism that are supposed to help us get better/stronger/smarter in the future.

sure, we’re still one of the greatest nations in the world at the moment…but you wait and see how great we are the more britney and k-fed contribute to the gene pool.

so, if paris hilton can somehow manage to keep this up, i for one will never again say that she has not done anything for the greater good.

Killing Time In The Airport

killing some time in the jet blue terminal at jfk, getting ready to fly back to LA, so i thought i’d do some blogging.

there are whispers of storms in the late afternoon forecast, so hopefully my flight gets out of here on time or at least without any significant delays.

the trip back east was good. saw spamalot which i thoroughly enjoyed. attended the wedding, a good time had by all. saw my friends and fam. and caught the mets game last night as the mets beat the phils 8-1.

you might have noticed that there is a link to one of my films now up on my profile, so if you haven’t checked it out yet, feel free. you’ll also get to see me interviewed afterwards, not to mention i’m sporting some kick ass long hair which took me about 8 months to grow out. these days my hair is much shorter, so for those people looking for physical evidence of my alleged long haired days, there you have it.

alright, about 40 min till boarding begins, so i’m gonna go and see about grabbing some food for my on flight meal.

later kids.

Eastward Bound

I’m off to the East Coast for about a week as I attend my cousin’s wedding on Friday and then spend the rest of the days with friends and the fam…

so blogging will probably be on hiatus until i return.

in other news…i am done teaching the tykes…and needless to say, i am a lot happier now that my days no longer begin at 5:30 and consist of nearly 3 hours driving to and from work.

anyways…that’s really all i gots at the moment…

How To Pee

The following article was brought to my attention (thank you julie) in regards to my previous post regarding the bare-assed urinating asian child i was encountering in the school’s bathroom the past couple of weeks. I have posted it below, as I was having trouble with the link.

Enjoy….

One, two, poo in your shoe; three, four, wee on the floor

It may seem like a piddling problem, but increasingly large numbers of Japanese children, especially little boys, don’t know how to pee properly, according to Sunday Mainichi (7/30).

It’s kids way of wee-weeing that’s surprising some, with one elementary school first grade teacher saying that half the 18 boys in his class dropped their trousers around their ankles and exposed the lower halves of their bodies every time they spent a penny.

“Up until a few years ago, you’d get two or three kids a class like that every year, but I’m surprised just how quickly the number of kids who urinate that way has proliferated,” the teacher tells Sunday Mainichi.

“And, you know what, there are so many kids who have no idea how to use a urinal and will only go about their business on a Western-style toilet. Some kids don’t like urinals because they feel exposed, but I really do get the feeling that most of these boys simply have no idea how men are supposed to dispose of their bodily wastes.”

Many young school children refuse to use bathrooms by themselves. Others don’t know they’re supposed to flush toilets after they use them because they’re so used to having a parent, nurse or teacher do it for them.

“There are some girls who dislike using toilets because of fears about whoever may have sat on the seat before they did, which is kind of understandable. Some of the other reasons kids give for refusing to the toilet aren’t, though, like those who hate the seat being cold,” the teacher says.

“Our school only has Western-style toilets but, unlike a lot of homes, the seats aren’t heated and because of that kids won’t use them because they don’t like the feel of cold hard steel on their butts.”

Fastidiousness about cleanliness, to the point of obsession, is driving kids almost potty and ensuring they don’t use the, well, potty. Others with a keen sense of smell become standouts at the slightest whiff of an unpleasant odor. Still more feel the need to use an entire toilet roll to wipe their butts after each sitting in the hope they’ll remove any last vestige of poop remaining.

Kindergartens, too, are bogged down by problems caused by bogs, and these troubles are compounded in one way by toilet doors deliberately made with large gaps at the top and bottom in case something untoward happens and teachers can peer in to check on their charges.

“Some kids start crying, saying their embarrassed that somebody might see them peeing, while others are scared because of the gaps in the doors. They make all kinds of excuses not to use the toilets,” one kindergarten teacher tells Sunday Mainichi.

“Of course, we realize there it’s only natural there’ll be some troubles involved in toilet training children as the kids adjust to being in a different environment, but these should only be temporary matters. From the point of view of a childcare worker, we’re dealing with problems that should be pretty easy to solve.”

But the solution comes from the home, which many childcare workers blame for being the root of the problem. Parents, however, say they’re doing everything possible to get their offspring in the right mood, but it’s just not working out right when they try to bring things to a, well, head.

“When I see my (3-year-old) daughter squirming around, I know it’s time for her to go, but when I suggest we head to the toilet, she stubbornly refuses, saying she doesn’t need to go. If I forcibly take her into the toilet, she kicks and screams and rants and raves until I give up. By that time, she’s already soiled herself,” one beleaguered mother says. “After that, she hides behind curtains or in cupboards and races around so I can’t catch her.”

Parents are hardly helping each other, either, with successful toilet trainers accorded an exclusive status that allows them to lord it over their still struggling peers.

“Women who’ve got their kids toilet trained quickly all boast about their success. That leaves me feeling like a failure because my kid still can’t use the toilet properly,” the mom says. “I realize everybody’s different and some kids take more time than others, but I still feel under enormous pressure.”

Another mother points out a different problem caused by living in a land where parenthood is still largely left in the hands of women.

“It’s really hard to show a little boy how to pee,” the 34-year-old mother of a 4-year-old kindergartner tells Sunday Mainichi. “It’s not like moms know how to piss standing up. We don’t know the right way for boys to get rid of their wastes. Guys don’t wipe themselves after having a pee, right? It seems kinda dirty to me. I really, really hate it when I see undies with skidmarks in them.”

Some experts say the little ones’ laxity in the loo may be their way of sending a message to their parents that they need a little more tender, loving care.

“Some children deliberately urinate all over the place or defecate in their parents’ shoes,” a consultant on childcare for new moms tells Sunday Mainichi. “By doing this, they’re trying to attract their parents’ attention. I think it’s a sign from the kids.”

(By Ryann Connell) July 21, 2006

Nails

I have a problem cutting my nails. For some reason, practically every time i try to trim my finger nails i end up cutting them too short. This ultimately leads to my skin breaking just below the nail’s surface, resulting in a bloody painful finger tip.

I don’t know why I continue to cut my nails too short. Every time I sit down to trim them I am cognizant of my predilection for cutting them too short, and yet I am incapable of correcting this problem.

I am tempted to never cut them, so as to ensure my never having to deal with this problem again, but I suspect that this would perhaps create new problems with similarly painful results. Things like putting in my contact lenses would probably, eventually, become a real challenge (which isn’t to say that i’m one who doesn’t relish the occassional challenge).

Anyways…it might interest you to know that this post was typed with nine fingers, as currently my left pointer finger is out of commission.

Sunday Night Sleep

today started out with a suck….actually, the sucking began last evening. for some reason (i have theories) i can never get a good night’s sleep sunday night whenever i have to get up on a monday morning.

a few years ago i had a bout of insomnia — that was pretty miserable. i used to go three or four days getting maybe 5 hours of sleep, total. but as is the case with most bouts of insomnia, i was never tired during the day. mostly i just spent my days walking around like a zombie (a reoccurring theme here at the blog recently), a little disorientated and pissed off. at night i just watched a lot of television and spent many hours reading as i tried, in vain, to get some shut-eye.

so, it’s always with some familiarity that my late sunday/early morning monday hours are spent lying in bed awake with no hope of getting a good night of rest. however, the difference now, is that i wake up the next morning — or perhaps more appropriately get out of bed the next morning — really, really, really friggin tired.

I had to purchase a venti iced coffee just to make it home from teaching this afternoon — if i hadn’t, i probably would have fallen asleep at the wheel and crashed…i suspect this would have been bad, though it probably would have allowed me a few hours of needed sleep - assuming i didn’t kill myself, in which case i would have never been tired again.

usually, the rest of the week i can sleep just fine, it’s just sunday night that kills me. my guess is that my body is incapable of handling the schedule shift that the weekend hours brings. not going to sleep for a couple of nights until past midnight and sleeping till past 5:30am seems to screw everything up when sunday rolls around and i have to revert back to the work week schedule.

now, clearly, a solution would be to maintain a similar schedule over the weekend as i do during the week - this is in fact what most experts recommend for people anyways. but f that…it’s bad enough i have to get up at 5:30 5 days a week, there’s no way i’m getting up at that time by choice on the remaining 2 days (actually, experts allow you to sleep an extra 30 min without screwing up your internal clock, so technically i could sleep in until 6).

anyways - i don’t really have too much of a point here, other than the fact that i’m really tired right now. i did take a brief nap this afternoon, but didn’t want to sleep too much, lest i screw up tonight’s chances of getting a full night of zzzz’s.

alright…i’m gonna go now. i sound like a walking advertisement for ambien.

Zombies Continued

The verdict is in…

and “The Hotel Of No Return,” will continue. In a resounding vote against the tyranny of oppression that hoped to prevent children from their inalienable rights to make zombie films, all but one parent signed their letters giving the children in my class the necessary permission to keep working on the film.

some parents even asked that a lesson in censorship be included in the future as part of the curriculum.

ironically, the only parent who said no is the parent to two sisters in my class who coincidentally took the same class during the first session of this summer program (while i was teaching creative writing). the film that they made last session was about…yep, you guessed it, zombies.

seems like there was no problem making a film about zombies, that is, until the parent found out that her children were making a film about zombies.

the program director called her this morning to give her the option of removing her children from the class, after telling her that we would be continuing with the film due to the other children having permission. the parent said that she wanted to discuss it with her children first before deciding.

i’m guessing the kids will still be in class tomorrrow…especially given that her children (who, while extremely well-behaved and sweet) are among the several whose suggestions have bordered on the graphic and extreme…so she probably doesn’t have to worry too much about this class corrupting their innocence.

anyways…score one for the good guys

Zombies, Hysterics, And A Letter Home

so, things took a turn for the interesting this morning when one (now former) student’s mother came to school demanding that her child be removed from my class and put into another program due to the “inappropriate material” that we are working on.

by inappropriate material, she was referring to the zombie film that the class is currently in the process of producing. I, of course, found the whole thing rather amusing, although the program director was less then pleased when the hysterical woman began threatening to involve the school board. citing the lack of concern for the children’s well-being by allowing them to continue to work on a film involving zombies.

the strange thing is that I have no part in deciding what material the class works on, rather the kids brainstorm to come up with story ideas, and then vote to choose which one they most want to turn into a film. Our zombie flick being one of the tamer options I might add (I would have hated to see her react to one of the other voted upon choices - a film about a serial killer who collects his victim’s hearts and keeps them in jars in order to get superpowers. or the one i was pulling for, about “terrorists attacking a school and killing off children until their parents stop making war on their country”). but even after this was explained, the woman suggested that my job as a teacher was to tell the children no they are not allowed to work on “scary material.”

now, don’t get me wrong, i have no problems with a parent dictating what their child is exposed to (in their feeble attempts to shield them from the horrors that lurk around every corner - the least concerning being zombies). however, i also am pretty sure that the extent of gore and horror that will be produced in the class will probably pale in comparison to anything that the child (10-11 years old) has already seen in their life (that is, of course, unless the child is kept locked in a bubble when not in school).

so, now, in order to move forward i had to write a letter home to all the children’s parents asking for them to sign the “permission slip” to allow us to continue with our zombie film.

as one child so eloquently put it, “that’s stupid.”

here below is said letter for your enjoyment.

i will have you know that the program director was extremely impressed by my letter writing ability, and she told me i was a very good writer. I responded by telling her that i would be happy to compose any other future letters home to parents as the need arose.

anyways, keep your fingers cross…we’ll find out tomorrow if the “Hotel of No Return” will continue….

Things We Learn With Age

at what age do children learn that it is possible to use a urinal without dropping their pants to the floor? I pose this question because for the past week I have encountered a small asian child who is a student at my current place of employment who has not yet learned.

class for the summer program i teach runs from 8:40am until 10:40am before the students break for 20min for a recess/snack period. so usually at this time I take the opportunity to use the restroom, as I, unlike the students, do not have the luxury of going during class.

and for two out of the last three days (this past wed, thurs) I have entered the bathroom only to find the aforementioned bare-assed asian child relieving himself at one of the three urinals. now, usually this puts me in that awkward position of trying to figure out a way to stall for time, so as not to put myself in a position of having to stand next to him while urinating (this usually means pretending to use the mirror or washing my hands — which, needless to say, is perhaps not the best of choices as it puts me in a position where I cannot escape seeing his behind due to the position of said mirrors in relation to the urinals — however, there are not too many other ways to stall for time in a bathroom). and while this whole thing about not using the urinal at the same time may seem slightly foolish on my part, I have as a rule of thumb a pretty firm policy of not standing next to people in the bathroom while their pants are dropped to the floor (no matter what their age).

on friday, however, the nature of our relationship (that is me and the bare-assed asian child) changed. see, on friday i entered the bathroom to find it empty, and with a sigh of relief made my way to the urinal at the far end of the room. but, no sooner than i had unzipped and began to go, did the kid burst through the door and make a beeline for the urinal right next to mine. caught literally with my dick in my hands, i could do nothing but stand there as he dropped his pants to the floor and began to pee.

and there the two of us stood side by side relieving ourselves.

the kid finished up before i did, and he headed over to the sink to wash up. once i finished i too joined him at the sink area to also wash. he finished washing, and grabbed some paper towels to dry his hands. but, then after drying his hands he did not (unlike the previous days) exit the bathroom. instead, he continued to stand by the paper towel dispenser watching me. I, unsure of what he was doing, slowly finished up washing my hands and then turned towards the paper towels. and that is when the kid reached up and grabbed three paper towels from the dispenser and handed them to me. i took the towels from him, and as i did, he smiled, turned, and ran out the door, leaving me behind to think about how the handing of paper towels to a random person in a restroom and standing at a urinal with pants around the ankles are both things (with some exceptions) we eventually stop doing with age.

4th O July Weekend Recap

Some people say a watched pot never boils. This is wrong. I made pasta this evening for dinner, and the water did in fact boil as I watched. This was the highlight of my day. Unless you count the fact that my morning commute only took about 50 min this morning as opposed to the usual 75. Seems like some people were a little slow in getting back to the work week…Of course this did absolutely nothing beneficial for me, as I still woke up at the same time and just ended up sitting in my classroom an extra 20 min or so before the tykes arrived.

I hope everyone had a good 4th. My weekend was pretty solid. Some partying, some very necessary sleep, saw Superman Returns (ehh, it was good, not great), and topped it off by watching the most exciting Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest held to date.

For those of you not already aware, Japanese phenom, Takeru Kobayashi, won his record 6th straight competition, besting his previous world record of 53 1/2 hot dogs in 12 mins with a total of 53 3/4. However, for the first time since Kobayashi burst onto the IFOCE (International Federation Of Competetive Eating) scene he faced some serious competition. This coming from newcomer, 22 year old, Joey Chestnut, who managed to consume 52 dogs.

Clearly, this is a very exciting time for fans of the annual hot dog eating competition (as well as other IFOCE events), and I look forward to watching the rookie Chestnut continue to take the challenge to Kobayashi in the coming years, until he is able to once again, bring the title of Hot Dog Eating Champion Of The World back to America.

Oh, I also saw Doug Savant on my way to see Superman in the Hollywood Highland Shops. He was on the escalator behind me as I came up from the parking garage.

It's Always Sunny

ust a quick reminder…

The second season of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia debuts tomorrow evening on FX, and I feel I would be doing a disservice to all of you if I did not mention it. This show is absolutely hysterical, and I highly recommend you watch.

Seeing as how there is a shortage of good comedy on television, I feel it necessary to do whatever I can to support those that do exist, least they wind up cancelled (a la Arrested Development).

So, anyways, watch.

Otherwise, not much else to talk about here…teaching is in full swing…and let me tell you nothing says fun like driving over an hour to teach a three hour class in a classroom that has no air conditioning in the middle of the summer.

Ahh, the weekend…I miss you…please come soon.

Teaching The Tykes

well, my first day of class has come and passed, and needless to say i’m tired…my body is not a fan of waking up at 6 am and then driving an hour to and from work.

but, the teaching was fun, and the kids all seem to enjoy things so far.

I will say that 3 hours of class on writing in the summer maybe a bit more than necessary…so hopefully i manage to keep the kids from going crazy before the end of the session. Also, the fact that the classrooms have no air conditioning does not help in this department.

anyways…i realize this isn’t a very exciting post, but my brain is done working for the day…time to get some shut eye.

Quack

Things have been a little hectic over here the past few days. Since getting back into town, I’ve been juggling the continuing(and hopefully soon to be finished) process of unpacking and moving into my apartment (I know, I am really bad - slow - at getting settled), along with trying to take care of other move necessitated errands (i.e. going to dmv to get my license and registration changed) before I begin teaching again next Monday.

At which point it will be back to waking up at 6 am (ish) on a regular basis (or rather for a month and change until the class is over), obviously something I’m not looking forward to. Although, my bank account will, I’m sure, be appreciative.

Anyways, otherwise I’ve just been trying to do some more enjoying of my new surroundings, which over the last few days (and into last weekend) resulted in some rather “hollywood” like activities.

First, this past weekend I went with my brother to grab a bite to eat at The Pig N Whistle on Hollywood Blvd. Not the best of food (although the portions were quite large - for those who have an interest in such things), but the meal was decent enough, and it was, we figured, some place that we had to try out at least once (being a Hollywood landmark and all - at least, so says their menu).

So, while we were there, I see this guy walk out of the restuarant wearing a denim jean jacket and sporting a tooth pick in his mouth. And I’m looking at him, and I know I’ve seen him before, when suddenly it dawns on me…it’s the dude who played Lester Averman in The Mighty Ducks (parts I, II, and III). His name is Matt Doherty.

I thought this was pretty sweet, especially considering my Chris Kattan sighting a few days prior, and my subsequent reference to A Night At The Roxbury and their reference to Emilio Estevez as the Mighty Duckman. And eventhough I think that (at least) the first Mighty Ducks is a pretty kick ass movie from back in the day, I don’t think Matt qualifies for the Celebrity List, however, as is my want, I feel he deserves some mention here…especially considering how badass he looked in denim (he still has the same ‘fro and pretty much wears the same glasses).

Then on Monday evening I went with my brother to the Arclight for the LA premiere of a film called Hatchet, which my brother worked on last summer. It was a very enjoyable horror film, with a lot of gore and some gratuitous nudity, quite the crowd pleaser.

Obviously, there were a bunch of “celebs” at the screening - anyone who worked on the film (actors, the director, etc.), including Kane Hodder who some of you might know from his turn as Jason Voorhees in Friday The Thirteenth (parts VII, VIII, IX - technically called Jason Goes To Hell, and part X). Also in attendence was Richard Riehle, another cast member, who might be better known as the guy in Office Space who creates the Jump To Conclusion mat.

Anyways…as I stated, definitely an enjoyable flick, worth checking out if you like that sorta film, if/when it gets distrubition.

Alright kids, I’m off to watch a little more television before hitting the hay…I’m trying to ween myself back to a normal sleep schedule to try and ease the pain of next week. This morning I got up at 8:45, however, tomorrow I’m going to wake up real early at 6:30 and watch the USA vs Ghana World Cup game. Then the trick will be to stay awake for the rest of the day without napping too much, so that I can fall asleep early(ish) tomorrow night.

The Man Who Saw The Mighty Duckman

Well, I am back from my 5 year college reunion and visit to the East Coast. Suffice to say it was a very enjoyable trip, and as always it was good to see my friends, along with some people who I hadn’t seen in some time.

I will, in the next day or so, provide more details into the festivities that occurred, but for now I wanted to just let everyone know that I was back home safe and sound in LA.

And, you’ll notice that Chris Kattan has been added to the List Of Celebrities, as my brother and I came across him this afternoon while shopping for groceries in the Whole Foods on Fairfax and Santa Monica.

It was quite odd, actually, we were talking and then all of a sudden I looked up and there was Mr. Kattan making some selections from the salad bar.

And though I was tempted to quote some Night At The Roxbury and scream out Emilio, instead I just continued on to the prepared foods counter to pick up some fish.

Yesterday

Not only are there adjustments to be made living in a new apartment, but I’m also beginning to see that living in Hollywood is a lot different than living in Santa Monica.

I had this epiphany yesterday as I walked into the Washington Mutual on the corner of Sunset and Vine and passed through metal detectors that were enclosed by two different sets of bulletproof security glass (so that you couldn’t enter the bank until the metal detector cleared you and opened the doors electronically).

It wasn’t so much the metal detectors themselves that caused the realization, but rather this was the culmination of everything else that occurred throughout the day.

The day began with a trip to Supercuts. I parked my car and stepped out into the parking lot when I heard a voice from behind me speak, “Hey, do you like rap music?”

I turned around and came face to face with a black midget (okay, so not technically face to face). Now, normally I wouldn’t refer to a black midget as such (as I believe the preferred nomenclature is little person), however, I refer to him here as a black midget because this is how he identified himself. Since I was just standing there, slightly confused, and having not answered his question, he spoke again, “What? You never seen a black midget before?”

At which point I was able to recover long enough to reply, “Uh, no, I just wasn’t sure if you were talking to me.”

To which he then replied, “Whatever, so do you like rap music?”

Now again, normally, when faced with this question from people on the street I usually say no, as I assume that they are about to try and sell me a cd they made. However, in this case, still recovering from my initial confusion, I answered, “yes, I like rap music.”

At which point the black midget did, in fact, attempt to get me to buy a cd of his rap music. Which, I might add, I was more tempted to purchase then I’ve ever been before when approached by a random person on the street hawking cds of their music.

Nevertheless, I politely declined and proceeded on to get my haircut.

After my haircut I headed over to Ralph’s on the corner of Fountain and La Brea. Things went smoothly inside right up until the point that I got in line to check out. I was behind an elderly woman, who basically met every single stereotype conceivable when you think of getting stuck behind an elderly woman in the checkout line.

A sampling of her conversation (pretend it’s in an elderly woman’s voice).

Elderly Woman: How much did you say it was?
Cashier: $74.97
Elderly Woman: I’m going to write you a check? (searching her bag) Do you have a pen? I can’t find my pen? It was here this morning. I never leave without my pen. I like a pen handy in case I have to write something down. Where could it be?
Cashier (handing her a pen) Here you go.
Elderly Woman: Oh, thank you. I’m going to write you a check. How much did you say it was?
Cashier: $74.97
Elderly Woman: Did you include my coupons? I gave you my coupons didn’t I?
Cashier: No, you didn’t give me any coupons.
Elderly Woman: Really, well, I have coupons.

Things continued from there for another 2-3 minutes. Normally, I would have probably gotten impatient and switched lines, but I was really quite transfixed by it all. The most amazing thing is that after everything was done and she had paid, she ended up taking the pen and putting it in her purse. I didn’t see her do it, but we (myself and the cashier) realized it had occurred when I went to go sign my credit card receipt and his pen was no longer there.

Then after Ralph’s it was off to the bank where I was greeted by the metal detectors and hard-core security. Needless to say this was a shock, but also I realized perhaps a necessity given the clientele in this area as opposed to the soccer mom’s and retirees of Santa Monica.

As once inside the first thing I saw was a rather tall guy sporting a blue mohawk, tatoos, and peircings screaming obscenities at the customer service person. I made my way over to the line of people who were all looking on quietly, as the guy continued his tirade.

Fuck this, fuck that, fucking government, the revolution is coming, banks will fall, all you motherfuckers are gonna get lined up against the wall.

Stuff like that.

And as I stood there and watched, I realized I was sorta okay with the fact that my banking experiences from now on would include a trip through a metal detector….

On a side note, I’m off to the east coast for a week to attend my 5 year college reunion…so forgive my absence if I don’t do too much updating the blog between now and when I get back…however, i’m sure there will be some entertaining anecdotes to relay upon my return, which thereby will lead to your entertainment, so really you should be happy i’m going.