it's raining outside right now. in fact, it's been raining all day. i kinda like it, it means fall has arrived.
sure LA's version of fall/winter means the "rainy season" but i don't mind a few weeks (or even a month or two) of occasionally wet weather. it's a welcome change. finally the oppressive summer heat makes way to cool days and even cooler nights. if i'm lucky, in a couple of weeks i'll be wearing sweatshirts, hats, and scarves when i go out.
i also like the sound the rain makes. the soft and steady tapping, drop after drop gently landing on the roof and against my windows, building to a crescendo of soothing percussion that is absolutely perfect to fall asleep (and sleep in) to.
and, of course, whenever it rains i can't help but hear this beginning to play in my head --
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Terminator 2 Rap -- Coming Soon
remember those amazing predator and robocop raps from a few months back (unfortunately, the predator rap is no longer available online due to a copyright claim by fox)? well, it seems the guys behind those are gearing up to release a new rap...for terminator 2!
the release date is Oct 19, and in the mean time they've put up a teaser. suffice to say, i can't wait...
the release date is Oct 19, and in the mean time they've put up a teaser. suffice to say, i can't wait...
A Taste
a longer recap will be coming soon, but for now here's a short video from my trip last weekend to new orleans...more specifically, a street party on frenchmen street.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Do It Yourself Penis Enlargment
news out of orange county. an unidentified man in his 50swas put on psychiatric hold for further evaluation after having been brought to a newport beach hospital in need of serious medical attention after his attempt at do it yourself penis enlargement went...oh, about as well as you might have guessed.
apparently, the guy macgyvered a penis enlargement device together by using a steel, ring-shaped, dumbell weight fastener. he put his penis through the hole and proceeded to leave it there FOR 2-3 DAYS!
by the time he got to the hospital his penis had --
"blackened and swollen to five times its normal size," authorities said. "In order to remove the ring, firefighters had to use a saw to cut through it." (ed: you know...technically speaking he succeeded)
costa mesa battalion chief scott broussard described the man as, "kind of a wingnut" who had "refused immediate treatment" and been informed,
"that if he waited any longer to remove the fastener, the flesh in his penis would die."
what i'd like to know is, wingnut or not, did he even try enzyte? had they not produced the results he desired...or, is this just another example of the extreme measures some people are forced to take because of our terrible economy. and that if, perhaps, universal health care was available he could have affordably gotten the (natural) enhancement tablets he so desperately felt he needed.(via laist)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Phoenix
video from last night. Phoenix performing "If I Ever Feel Better" at the greek theatre los angeles.
enjoy...
enjoy...
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Where Were You
when i was in high school i once remarked to my ap history professor that we were living in boring times, that our generation had yet to see any real landmark events that could be considered worthy of the history books.
i bemoaned the fact that there had been nothing in my lifetime that made people around the world stop whatever they were doing just to witness the moment...something that we would remember with amazing clarity for the rest of our lives...something that had the "where were you" factor.
he smiled politely and assured me that before my lifetime was over i would bear witness to plenty of these moments.
smart man that mr. vetrini.
on the morning of september 11, 2001 i was sitting in a classroom, listening to my criminal law professor wax poetically about the differences between manslaughter and murder, blissfully unaware of what was happening in the world outside our classroom doors (note: this was before wifi was widely available in classrooms).
it wasn't until class ended (a little before 9am est) and i stepped into the hallway that i heard about the first plane hitting the tower. at that time people weren't entirely sure whether it was a freak accident, an act of terrorism, or some other thing that could not yet be explained. lots of theories and arguments about what had actually happened were being tossed around, and i decided, rather then listen to conjecture, to find a nearby television set and see for myself what was happening.
as such, i made my way down to the student lounge where a large group of people (students, teachers, administrators) had gathered to huddle around the few screens. i squeezed my way inside and found some space in front of one of the tv's just in time to watch the second plane hit at 9:03 am.
it's a sight that i would see replayed countless times in the hours, days, and weeks that lay ahead, but at the time the thing i remember most about that moment was the sound that escaped from the mouth of a woman standing a few feet away from me. a guttural moan that, best i could tell, was supposed to be the word "no" but instead came out as some kind of disorganized wail, as if her mind was rendered incapable of putting together the two necessary letters required to form the coherent word.
i felt my body go numb. all around me people sank to the floor, their legs no longer capable of supporting them. we continued to watch, transfixed, as the news coverage continued. i'm not sure how much time passed (maybe another 15 minutes) but at some point a voice came over the loud speaker announcing the university was closing and that all classes were canceled. slowly, the crowd dissipated as people headed back to their respective homes and dorms. eventually, i too turned and headed out the doors.
i remember walking to my car, mostly because i remember the silence. there were still a lot of people on campus but all of them had been rendered mute, still digesting what they had seen and still trying to comprehend what it all could mean.
i got home, turned on the television, and parked myself on my futon. once again, my timing was fortuitous (or not), as i was just in time to watch the first tower collapse.
from there the rest of the day is a bit of a blur. i remember seeing the second tower collapse, i remember talking to my brother and my parents, i remember checking in with a few friends who lived in nyc, and i remember being awake as the sun rose the next morning, having not yet shut off the tv...but beyond that, i don't remember much.
in the weeks that would follow, i would think long and hard about what it would have meant had i been in the towers or in the pentagon or on one of those planes that day. i would think about how i would've felt if my life were to be tragically cut short, whether i would have been happy with the life i'd lead. i would think about why i was in law school, was it something i was doing for myself, or was it something i was doing because it was expected of me.
eventually i would come to the conclusion that i didn't want to be a lawyer, that the path i was on was heading me towards a life i did not want to live. which is why a few months later i dropped out of law school and started down a new path, in search of a life i could be happy with...
so here i am, 8 years later. a struggling writer living in hollywood, a dreamer chasing the dream like the thousands of others whose paths brought them here to this place, to this moment. it hasn't always been easy, and there are days when i question the choices i have made. but today i remember where i was and how far i've come...
and most of all, today i remember to make the most of each day, because there's no way of knowing whether you'll get another one.
i bemoaned the fact that there had been nothing in my lifetime that made people around the world stop whatever they were doing just to witness the moment...something that we would remember with amazing clarity for the rest of our lives...something that had the "where were you" factor.
he smiled politely and assured me that before my lifetime was over i would bear witness to plenty of these moments.
smart man that mr. vetrini.
on the morning of september 11, 2001 i was sitting in a classroom, listening to my criminal law professor wax poetically about the differences between manslaughter and murder, blissfully unaware of what was happening in the world outside our classroom doors (note: this was before wifi was widely available in classrooms).
it wasn't until class ended (a little before 9am est) and i stepped into the hallway that i heard about the first plane hitting the tower. at that time people weren't entirely sure whether it was a freak accident, an act of terrorism, or some other thing that could not yet be explained. lots of theories and arguments about what had actually happened were being tossed around, and i decided, rather then listen to conjecture, to find a nearby television set and see for myself what was happening.
as such, i made my way down to the student lounge where a large group of people (students, teachers, administrators) had gathered to huddle around the few screens. i squeezed my way inside and found some space in front of one of the tv's just in time to watch the second plane hit at 9:03 am.
it's a sight that i would see replayed countless times in the hours, days, and weeks that lay ahead, but at the time the thing i remember most about that moment was the sound that escaped from the mouth of a woman standing a few feet away from me. a guttural moan that, best i could tell, was supposed to be the word "no" but instead came out as some kind of disorganized wail, as if her mind was rendered incapable of putting together the two necessary letters required to form the coherent word.
i felt my body go numb. all around me people sank to the floor, their legs no longer capable of supporting them. we continued to watch, transfixed, as the news coverage continued. i'm not sure how much time passed (maybe another 15 minutes) but at some point a voice came over the loud speaker announcing the university was closing and that all classes were canceled. slowly, the crowd dissipated as people headed back to their respective homes and dorms. eventually, i too turned and headed out the doors.
i remember walking to my car, mostly because i remember the silence. there were still a lot of people on campus but all of them had been rendered mute, still digesting what they had seen and still trying to comprehend what it all could mean.
i got home, turned on the television, and parked myself on my futon. once again, my timing was fortuitous (or not), as i was just in time to watch the first tower collapse.
from there the rest of the day is a bit of a blur. i remember seeing the second tower collapse, i remember talking to my brother and my parents, i remember checking in with a few friends who lived in nyc, and i remember being awake as the sun rose the next morning, having not yet shut off the tv...but beyond that, i don't remember much.
in the weeks that would follow, i would think long and hard about what it would have meant had i been in the towers or in the pentagon or on one of those planes that day. i would think about how i would've felt if my life were to be tragically cut short, whether i would have been happy with the life i'd lead. i would think about why i was in law school, was it something i was doing for myself, or was it something i was doing because it was expected of me.
eventually i would come to the conclusion that i didn't want to be a lawyer, that the path i was on was heading me towards a life i did not want to live. which is why a few months later i dropped out of law school and started down a new path, in search of a life i could be happy with...
so here i am, 8 years later. a struggling writer living in hollywood, a dreamer chasing the dream like the thousands of others whose paths brought them here to this place, to this moment. it hasn't always been easy, and there are days when i question the choices i have made. but today i remember where i was and how far i've come...
and most of all, today i remember to make the most of each day, because there's no way of knowing whether you'll get another one.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Person Of Walmart
wow, this just keeps getting better.
one of the photos (see below) on people of walmart advertises a youtube channel. so, naturally, i checked it out (and really, how could i not...the winged horse art. on a denim jacket. it's just too damn intriguing not to).
the result? videos that are either the work of an absolute genius or a slightly retarded person. i'm still unsure which. here's my favorite one. judge for yourself...
one of the photos (see below) on people of walmart advertises a youtube channel. so, naturally, i checked it out (and really, how could i not...the winged horse art. on a denim jacket. it's just too damn intriguing not to).
People Of Walmart
another new hilarious website (though this one's not a tumblr), dedicated solely to the purpose of photographing and displaying the many interesting people who shop at walmart.
some of the photos are absolutely amazing.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Take A Tumble
tumblr is all the rage at the moment.
which isn't really a surprise. it's a blogging platform that is both quick and easy to use...perfect for kids these days (or anyone looking to compile an online scrapbook of their life and give their friends a peek behind the curtain of how their mind works).
however, its true greatness is best seen through its collection of themed sites. some of these sites are hilarious, some are strange, and some even get book deals.
so...because i know nobody wants to be back at work after a long weekend, and because i'm such a nice guy. here's a few (relatively) new (entertaining) tumblr sites to help you get through your tuesday (and the rest of your week, and beyond).
1. Three Frames -- three single consecutive frames from random movies, playing on a non-stop loop.
2. FUCK YEAH NEIL PATRICK HARRIS -- a site dedicated to celebrating NPH.
3. FUCK YEAH SHARKS -- a site dedicated to celebrating sharks.
4. STFU, Marrieds -- a site dedicated to...well, i'll let them explain: "married couples on facebook with their inane status updates and wall posts are the bane of my internet existence. seriously, marrieds. STFU.
5. stuff i like when i am high -- the title pretty much sums it up (though a lot of the stuff on there is good regardless of whether you are intoxicated or not).
6. I Am Friends With Sluts -- once again, the title gives you all you need to know: photos of random women posted on social networking websites.
7. Pets Who Want To Kill Themselves -- because their owners dress them up to look like idiots, or have them do asinine things.
8. garfield minus garfield -- sad. but hilarious.
which isn't really a surprise. it's a blogging platform that is both quick and easy to use...perfect for kids these days (or anyone looking to compile an online scrapbook of their life and give their friends a peek behind the curtain of how their mind works).
however, its true greatness is best seen through its collection of themed sites. some of these sites are hilarious, some are strange, and some even get book deals.
so...because i know nobody wants to be back at work after a long weekend, and because i'm such a nice guy. here's a few (relatively) new (entertaining) tumblr sites to help you get through your tuesday (and the rest of your week, and beyond).
1. Three Frames -- three single consecutive frames from random movies, playing on a non-stop loop.
2. FUCK YEAH NEIL PATRICK HARRIS -- a site dedicated to celebrating NPH.
3. FUCK YEAH SHARKS -- a site dedicated to celebrating sharks.
4. STFU, Marrieds -- a site dedicated to...well, i'll let them explain: "married couples on facebook with their inane status updates and wall posts are the bane of my internet existence. seriously, marrieds. STFU.
5. stuff i like when i am high -- the title pretty much sums it up (though a lot of the stuff on there is good regardless of whether you are intoxicated or not).
6. I Am Friends With Sluts -- once again, the title gives you all you need to know: photos of random women posted on social networking websites.
7. Pets Who Want To Kill Themselves -- because their owners dress them up to look like idiots, or have them do asinine things.
8. garfield minus garfield -- sad. but hilarious.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Stamina Pillows
"margaret thatcher on a cold day, margaret thatcher on a cold day."
for centuries (presumably), men (and women) have had to deal with the embarrassment and disappointment of premature ejaculation.
there's nothing worse then having a potentially hot, steamy, lovemaking session come to an end mere seconds after it started (or so i've heard).
from mentally reciting baseball statistics to silently singing the national anthem, men have tried all kinds of tricks (with varying degrees of success) to last longer in bed.
but now, there's a new way to fight back...
stamina pillows*
just throw one of these down and all your premature problems are guaranteed to be no more.
* actually, these pillows were part of the advertising campaign that durex launched to promote their "performax" condoms. the condoms contain benzocaine (a mild anaesthetic), which (allegedly) produces a numbing effect, helping men last longer.
for centuries (presumably), men (and women) have had to deal with the embarrassment and disappointment of premature ejaculation.
there's nothing worse then having a potentially hot, steamy, lovemaking session come to an end mere seconds after it started (or so i've heard).
from mentally reciting baseball statistics to silently singing the national anthem, men have tried all kinds of tricks (with varying degrees of success) to last longer in bed.
but now, there's a new way to fight back...
stamina pillows*
just throw one of these down and all your premature problems are guaranteed to be no more.
* actually, these pillows were part of the advertising campaign that durex launched to promote their "performax" condoms. the condoms contain benzocaine (a mild anaesthetic), which (allegedly) produces a numbing effect, helping men last longer.
Fifty People, One Question
go to a place. ask fifty people the same question. film their responses.
the result...mesmerizing.
Fifty People, One Question: New Orleans from Benjamin Reece on Vimeo.
check out their vimeo page and the fifty people, one question website for more.
the result...mesmerizing.
Fifty People, One Question: New Orleans from Benjamin Reece on Vimeo.
check out their vimeo page and the fifty people, one question website for more.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Fire, Fire, Fire,
raging all about. here come the firemen to put the fire out.
for anyone outside the los angeles area who hasn't really seen or heard much about the wildfires, here's some amazing video time lapses of what it looks like.
Time Lapse Test: Station Fire from Eric Spiegelman on Vimeo.
Timelapse - Los Angeles Wildfire from Dan B. on Vimeo.
crazy.
for anyone outside the los angeles area who hasn't really seen or heard much about the wildfires, here's some amazing video time lapses of what it looks like.
Time Lapse Test: Station Fire from Eric Spiegelman on Vimeo.
Timelapse - Los Angeles Wildfire from Dan B. on Vimeo.
crazy.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
From The What Will They Think Of Next Department
vampire dildos! they sparkle in the sun, just like edward cullen!
for those who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden...introducing the vamp, everything your vampire obsessed person needs to satisfy their desires and fulfill all their blood sucking fantasies.
site guarantee, "we promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night."
and don't forget to toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.
(via io9)
for those who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden...introducing the vamp, everything your vampire obsessed person needs to satisfy their desires and fulfill all their blood sucking fantasies.
site guarantee, "we promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night."
and don't forget to toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.
(via io9)
Another Fucking Robot
i spend a lot of time thinking about random, obscure questions. questions that most people don't usually have the time to think about. questions that don't even occur to be thought about by most people. why do i do this? i have no idea. i long ago gave up trying to figure out why what pops into my mind pops into my mind.
what i do, do when one of these questions arises is try to find the answer. obviously, that almost always means using the internet...and thanks to the wonders and resources that lie within her vast confines, i pretty much always find the answer.
well...an answer at any rate, because sometimes, instead of answering the question i had, i wind up with an answer to some other unasked inquiry.
which was the case this evening.
see, i started an internet search trying to track down why, how, and in what way condom makers come up with new products.
i'm pretty certain this all stemmed from seeing a commercial a couple months back for the new trojan ecstasy.
anyway, as i was saying, instead of getting the answer to that question, i stumbled upon this contraception study investigating breakage.
as stated --
BACKGROUND: Published condom breakage studies typically report the percentage of failures but rarely provide any evidence on the mechanism of failure.
METHODS: Over a period of 7 years, broken condoms returned to a supplier (SSL, Durex) via consumer complaints were examined to determine the cause of failure. Also, some consumers who reported breakage but did not return condoms were sent a questionnaire on the causes of breakage. Finally, theories proposed for the mechanism of breakage were investigated on a laboratory coital model (emphasis added).
RESULTS: Nearly 1000 (n=972) returned condoms made from natural rubber and polyurethane were examined. Visible features on those that were broken, were classified. Evidence combined from examining returns, questionnaire responses and the coital model strongly suggests a single predominant mechanism of failure we named "blunt puncture," where the tip of the thrusting male penis progressively stretches one part of the intact condom wall until it ultimately breaks.
CONCLUSIONS: Blunt puncture appears to be the mechanism of breakage responsible for more than 90% of condom breakage not attributable to misuse. Knowledge of the main mechanism of breakage should help develop better user instructions, better test methods and, ultimately, better condoms.
that's right, another fucking machine.
and, i must admit, seeing this made me pause. on the one hand, i worried that once again we're giving the robots all the information they will ever need to eventually overthrow and enslave us...but on the other hand i thought maybe, just maybe when the day of reckoning comes, this robot will remember that all we ever asked of it was to have sex with a simulated robot vagina...
that has to work in our favor, at least a little bit, right?
what i do, do when one of these questions arises is try to find the answer. obviously, that almost always means using the internet...and thanks to the wonders and resources that lie within her vast confines, i pretty much always find the answer.
well...an answer at any rate, because sometimes, instead of answering the question i had, i wind up with an answer to some other unasked inquiry.
which was the case this evening.
see, i started an internet search trying to track down why, how, and in what way condom makers come up with new products.
i'm pretty certain this all stemmed from seeing a commercial a couple months back for the new trojan ecstasy.
anyway, as i was saying, instead of getting the answer to that question, i stumbled upon this contraception study investigating breakage.
as stated --
BACKGROUND: Published condom breakage studies typically report the percentage of failures but rarely provide any evidence on the mechanism of failure.
METHODS: Over a period of 7 years, broken condoms returned to a supplier (SSL, Durex) via consumer complaints were examined to determine the cause of failure. Also, some consumers who reported breakage but did not return condoms were sent a questionnaire on the causes of breakage. Finally, theories proposed for the mechanism of breakage were investigated on a laboratory coital model (emphasis added).
RESULTS: Nearly 1000 (n=972) returned condoms made from natural rubber and polyurethane were examined. Visible features on those that were broken, were classified. Evidence combined from examining returns, questionnaire responses and the coital model strongly suggests a single predominant mechanism of failure we named "blunt puncture," where the tip of the thrusting male penis progressively stretches one part of the intact condom wall until it ultimately breaks.
CONCLUSIONS: Blunt puncture appears to be the mechanism of breakage responsible for more than 90% of condom breakage not attributable to misuse. Knowledge of the main mechanism of breakage should help develop better user instructions, better test methods and, ultimately, better condoms.
that's right, another fucking machine.and, i must admit, seeing this made me pause. on the one hand, i worried that once again we're giving the robots all the information they will ever need to eventually overthrow and enslave us...but on the other hand i thought maybe, just maybe when the day of reckoning comes, this robot will remember that all we ever asked of it was to have sex with a simulated robot vagina...
that has to work in our favor, at least a little bit, right?
Monday, August 24, 2009
MRI Sex
exactly what it sounds like (maybe nsfw? - i don't know what's considered acceptable anymore).
(via new scientist)
(via new scientist)
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Things I Worry About
i am a worrier. i worry about all kinds of things. most of these things turn out to be absolutely nothing worth worrying about...like, for example, practically every borderline hypochondriac thought i've had over the last 7 years.
i don't know why i worry so much. it's not much fun and i'm fairly certain that i would be better off if i could somehow not worry (believe me, the irony and sadness of developing a case of insomnia due to anxiety that i might die from fatal familial insomnia is not lost on me).
but, alas, this is who i am. a worrier.
one of the things that i have been worried about lately is the impending robot apocalypse. that is, that all of the fictional depictions of robots becoming self aware and killing us from various movies and books will be what actually happens at some point in the not too distant future.
sure, laugh. it's crazy, right. i certainly hope so, but i'm not the only one who's concerned about this scenario.
anyway, this is besides the point, because this isn't a post about robots. no, this is a post about zombies...the latest item that's been added to my list of Things I Worry About.
why zombies you ask?
well, like most intelligent and rationally thinking people, i tend to take my cues from science, and thanks to the article, "When Zombies Attack! Mathematical Modelling Of An Outbreak Of Zombie Infection" from the recently published book Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress it's clear to me now that (scientifically speaking) the zombie threat is one to be taken seriously.
in the paper, researchers from the university of ottawa and carleton university posed a simple question: if there was to be a battle between zombies and the living, who would win?
the outcome, as you might have guessed, was a bit disconcerting:
"a zombie outbreak is likely to lead to the collapse of civilisation, unless it is dealt with quickly. While aggressive quarantine may contain the epidemic, or a cure may lead to coexistence of humans and zombies, the most effective way to contain the rise of the undead is to hit hard and hit often. As seen in the movies, it is imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly, or else we are all in a great deal of trouble."
and how did they reach this (not so surprising) conclusion?
one of the men involved in the study, professor robert smith? (the question mark is part of his name) explains, "we model a zombie attack using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies. we introduce a basic model for zombie infection and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions."
as for that model...to give the living a "fighting chance," the researchers chose slow-moving zombies rather than the fast, intelligent creatures found in some recent films (clearly, if those zombies show up we are completely fucked).
so, what was the purpose behind the study (assuming to scare the shit out of me wasn't the original intention)...well, the researchers hope, seeing as how a zombie "plague" resembles a lethal, rapidly spreading infection, that the exercise could help scientists model the spread of unfamiliar diseases through human populations.
great. now i suppose the only real question left is, what will kill us first? the zombies or the robots.
i don't know why i worry so much. it's not much fun and i'm fairly certain that i would be better off if i could somehow not worry (believe me, the irony and sadness of developing a case of insomnia due to anxiety that i might die from fatal familial insomnia is not lost on me).
but, alas, this is who i am. a worrier.
one of the things that i have been worried about lately is the impending robot apocalypse. that is, that all of the fictional depictions of robots becoming self aware and killing us from various movies and books will be what actually happens at some point in the not too distant future.
sure, laugh. it's crazy, right. i certainly hope so, but i'm not the only one who's concerned about this scenario.
anyway, this is besides the point, because this isn't a post about robots. no, this is a post about zombies...the latest item that's been added to my list of Things I Worry About.
why zombies you ask?
well, like most intelligent and rationally thinking people, i tend to take my cues from science, and thanks to the article, "When Zombies Attack! Mathematical Modelling Of An Outbreak Of Zombie Infection" from the recently published book Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress it's clear to me now that (scientifically speaking) the zombie threat is one to be taken seriously.
in the paper, researchers from the university of ottawa and carleton university posed a simple question: if there was to be a battle between zombies and the living, who would win?
the outcome, as you might have guessed, was a bit disconcerting:
"a zombie outbreak is likely to lead to the collapse of civilisation, unless it is dealt with quickly. While aggressive quarantine may contain the epidemic, or a cure may lead to coexistence of humans and zombies, the most effective way to contain the rise of the undead is to hit hard and hit often. As seen in the movies, it is imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly, or else we are all in a great deal of trouble."
and how did they reach this (not so surprising) conclusion?
one of the men involved in the study, professor robert smith? (the question mark is part of his name) explains, "we model a zombie attack using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies. we introduce a basic model for zombie infection and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions."
as for that model...to give the living a "fighting chance," the researchers chose slow-moving zombies rather than the fast, intelligent creatures found in some recent films (clearly, if those zombies show up we are completely fucked).
so, what was the purpose behind the study (assuming to scare the shit out of me wasn't the original intention)...well, the researchers hope, seeing as how a zombie "plague" resembles a lethal, rapidly spreading infection, that the exercise could help scientists model the spread of unfamiliar diseases through human populations.
great. now i suppose the only real question left is, what will kill us first? the zombies or the robots.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Why I Love The Internet, Reason # 793
i love the internet. really i do. it boggles my mind how people managed to live before its existence.
for instance, if it weren't for the internet i probably would have never discovered these --
the entire plot of Predator, told in a six-and-a-half minute rap song AND the entire plot of Robocop, told in a ten minute rap song.
the videos were written and created by mouthmaster murf and dj mayhem, members of the uk band, the anomalies, and in the words of our friends across the pond they are, "bloody brilliant."
gentlemen, I salute you.
for instance, if it weren't for the internet i probably would have never discovered these --
the entire plot of Predator, told in a six-and-a-half minute rap song AND the entire plot of Robocop, told in a ten minute rap song.
the videos were written and created by mouthmaster murf and dj mayhem, members of the uk band, the anomalies, and in the words of our friends across the pond they are, "bloody brilliant."
gentlemen, I salute you.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Handerpants! Handerpants! Handerpants!
oh. my. god. this may very well be the most important invention of our time. seriously. i must have them.
if underpants and gloves could somehow make sweet, sweet love, handerpants would be their baby.
FACTS. handerpants will/are:
still not sold, well then check this out --
buy now!
if underpants and gloves could somehow make sweet, sweet love, handerpants would be their baby.
FACTS. handerpants will/are:
- fit most hands
- breathable cotton
- form fitting
- prevent chafing
- absorb sweat
- distract enemies
- non toxic
- great for jazz hands
still not sold, well then check this out --
buy now!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Burger Quest '09
oh man, oh man, we are just a few short hours away from the kick off of Burger Quest '09.
what is Burger Quest '09 you ask? well, it's a quest to determine, once and for all, who serves the best burger in los angeles.
the concept is simple. 6 weeks till summer is officially over (first day of fall - 9/22). 6 burger restaurants often mentioned as the answer to the best burger in los angeles. our mission: 1 burger a week for the next 6 weeks to determine which of the 6 is the true champion.
your arteries may not thank you, but your stomach will...
the contenders:
1. Apple Pan (http://www.applepan.com/)
2. Umami Burger (http://www.umamiburger.com/)
3. Pie 'N Burger (http://www.pienburger.com/index.htm )
4. The Counter (http://www.thecounterburger.com/ )
5. In-N-Out (http://www.in-n-out.com/)
6. Father's Office (http://www.fathersoffice.com/)
the criteria (burgers will be judged on the following):
1. size
2. aroma
3. juicyness/cooking (is it under/over cooked)
4. seasoning/sauce
5. toppings
6. bun
first up (7:45pm tonight) will be The Apple Pan.
let The Quest begin!!!
what is Burger Quest '09 you ask? well, it's a quest to determine, once and for all, who serves the best burger in los angeles.
the concept is simple. 6 weeks till summer is officially over (first day of fall - 9/22). 6 burger restaurants often mentioned as the answer to the best burger in los angeles. our mission: 1 burger a week for the next 6 weeks to determine which of the 6 is the true champion.
your arteries may not thank you, but your stomach will...
the contenders:
1. Apple Pan (http://www.applepan.com/)
2. Umami Burger (http://www.umamiburger.com/)
3. Pie 'N Burger (http://www.pienburger.com/
4. The Counter (http://www.thecounterburger.
5. In-N-Out (http://www.in-n-out.com/)
6. Father's Office (http://www.fathersoffice.com/)
the criteria (burgers will be judged on the following):
1. size
2. aroma
3. juicyness/cooking (is it under/over cooked)
4. seasoning/sauce
5. toppings
6. bun
first up (7:45pm tonight) will be The Apple Pan.
let The Quest begin!!!
Awkward Update
hey kids, remember last month when i mentioned that i was going to be submitting a photo to awkward family photos.
well, submit i did, and guess what, i recently heard back from the fella's behind AFP with some good news and some bad news.
first, the bad news: my photo is NOT going to be displayed on the website.
sad, i know. but don't fret, because the good news went a little something like this...
Hey Alex,
I'm writing to you to let you know that we are about to begin the process of compiling photos for the official Awkward Family Photos book, which is being published by Random House. We want to save some of our best pics exclusively for the book and would love to include yours. If you're interested, let me know and I'll send you some more information.
Mike
Co-Creator of AFP
that's right boys and girls, "best. matching. outfits. ever." will be coming soon (spring 2010) to a coffee table near you!
well, submit i did, and guess what, i recently heard back from the fella's behind AFP with some good news and some bad news.
first, the bad news: my photo is NOT going to be displayed on the website.
sad, i know. but don't fret, because the good news went a little something like this...
Hey Alex,
I'm writing to you to let you know that we are about to begin the process of compiling photos for the official Awkward Family Photos book, which is being published by Random House. We want to save some of our best pics exclusively for the book and would love to include yours. If you're interested, let me know and I'll send you some more information.
Mike
Co-Creator of AFP
that's right boys and girls, "best. matching. outfits. ever." will be coming soon (spring 2010) to a coffee table near you!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Jerkin
kids these days. seems there's a new movement sweeping the streets. it's called jerkin, and apparently it's all the rage.
to be honest, i'm a little upset by this new development. i mean, i was just starting to perfect my krumping and clowning techniques and now i have to start from scratch...on the bright side, i was always pretty good at the running man so hopefully that will help accelerate my jerkin learning curve (though, it also looks like i might need to get a new wardrobe).
to be honest, i'm a little upset by this new development. i mean, i was just starting to perfect my krumping and clowning techniques and now i have to start from scratch...on the bright side, i was always pretty good at the running man so hopefully that will help accelerate my jerkin learning curve (though, it also looks like i might need to get a new wardrobe).
Now We Jerk - A Jerkin Documentary presented by the LA Weekly from Brilliant Comrades on Vimeo.
And I'm Back...
apologies, dear readers, for the lapse in blogging the last two weeks. i was attending to some personal affairs.
but, everything seems to be sorted out now, so posting should return to its previous levels of regularity.
but, everything seems to be sorted out now, so posting should return to its previous levels of regularity.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Fucking Robots
leave it to the germans. it seems the next evolution in sex dolls is upon us...
introducing: sex androids.
that's right, you can now have sex with a robot (just what your 9 year old inner geek always dreamed of).
so what makes these "sex androids" so special you ask? well, they have 'hearts' that beat harder during sex, they also breathe harder during sex, and they have internal heaters to raise their body temperature during sex...but their feet stay cold "just like in real life," according to developer michael harriman (perfect for that post coitus game of robot footsie).
but the wonders don't stop there, oh no, the model can also be made to move by remote control, wiggling her hips under the bedclothes and making other suggestive movements -- all at the touch of a button.
hmm...i wonder if ryan gosling would be up for a sequel.
(via joe rogan)
introducing: sex androids.
that's right, you can now have sex with a robot (just what your 9 year old inner geek always dreamed of).
so what makes these "sex androids" so special you ask? well, they have 'hearts' that beat harder during sex, they also breathe harder during sex, and they have internal heaters to raise their body temperature during sex...but their feet stay cold "just like in real life," according to developer michael harriman (perfect for that post coitus game of robot footsie).
but the wonders don't stop there, oh no, the model can also be made to move by remote control, wiggling her hips under the bedclothes and making other suggestive movements -- all at the touch of a button.
hmm...i wonder if ryan gosling would be up for a sequel.
(via joe rogan)
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Victory Is Mine!
I did it.
my quest to get ads on my site for amputee related products/services is, in just under a week's time, a success.
as you can see below (right above the ad for seth rogen's super jew t-shirt) there is now an ad for anyone interested in finding single amputee women in their area on my blog.
awesome.
this concludes the amputee focused content portion of my blogging (unless other amputee stories of note come my way).
my quest to get ads on my site for amputee related products/services is, in just under a week's time, a success.
as you can see below (right above the ad for seth rogen's super jew t-shirt) there is now an ad for anyone interested in finding single amputee women in their area on my blog.
awesome.
this concludes the amputee focused content portion of my blogging (unless other amputee stories of note come my way).
scientology? really ad sense, really?
i suppose it was all that talk of schizophrenia, which is actually kinda scary. the good folks at scientology must comb high and low to find any related content on mental illness, seeing as how it makes for such potentially fertile breeding ground for their message.
that's right, embrace scientology and you no longer have to suffer through a life of paranoid delusional schizophrenia (provided, of course, you have the money to audit for long enough to cure what ails you).
though this begs the question...is this really the best use of scientology resources? i mean, how many schizophrenics are functional enough to a) use a computer b) get onto the internet c) see one of these ads and d) comprehend the message the ad actually intended for them (as opposed to the message their cat has been repeating ad nauseam for the last 6 hours? -- alright, alright, i get it, i must kill the queen).
then again, now that i think about it, schizophrenics are probably just as (if not more) mentally sound as anyone who legitimately believes in the fundamental tenets of a religion based around aliens and an evil overlord named xenu (to be fair though i guess that also applies to pretty much anyone who seriously believes in the hocus pocus and magic tricks from any major religion).
sigh.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Homeless Encounters
there are a lot of homeless people in los angeles. in fact, an estimated 254,000 men, women, and children experienced homelessness in los angeles county during some part of the last year, and approximately 82,000 people are homeless on any given night.
so, depending on where you live and what you're doing, chances are good that you will encounter/see a homeless person on any given day. for me, living in hollywood, it's pretty much a guarantee every time i leave my house...like today.
now the homeless in hollywood are a particularly diverse bunch, ranging from the packs of runaway teens to the creepy woman who sits in her wheelchair near the post office cradling a puppet in her lap and everything in between (including, but not limited to: the down on their luck, the alcoholics/drug addicts, the soon to be famous, and the schizophrenics -- the puppet woman may or may not be a member of this group...she may or may not be a member of the second to last group too).
now, how i interact with a homeless person tends to vary depending on which of the aforementioned groups i think they belong to.
for instance, i tend to not give homeless people money (at least not directly) because i don't like being lied to and the reality is i just can't trust whether or not they are actually a "down on their luck" person who is going to use the money to buy food, or an "alcoholic/drug addict" person who is going to use the money to buy alcohol or drugs (the exception to this case is the rare occasion where i've come across a homeless person with a sign that reads something to the effect "not gonna lie, need money for booze." i pretty much always give that guy money if for no other reason then to reward his honesty).
i have a little more sympathy for the homeless youth, even though i know there's still a chance that if i give them money they'll use it for something other then what they claim. which is why when i run into them outside the grocery store, instead of giving them money, i'll often just buy them a jar of peanut butter or some cheese.
the hardest group to interact with, as you may have already guessed, are the schizophrenics...mostly because they don't interact with you as much as they just shout stuff incoherently in your direction.
when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic, i usually keep my head down, quicken my pace, count my blessings that neither i nor anyone else i care about is a homeless schizophrenic, and bemoan the fact that we as a country don't do more to provide better care for the weakest among us.
then again, usually when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic they are standing on a corner or sitting on the sidewalk or lying in some alley, as opposed to say repeatedly kicking the front passenger tire on my car, which, coincidentally, is how today's encounter with a homeless schizophrenic began.
i had gone to cvs to pick up a few things and upon pulling into the parking lot noticed a homeless person standing in said lot exhibiting all the classic signs of schizophrenia (incoherent speech. check. neglect of personal hygiene. check. angry outbursts. check).
but he seemed to be mostly keeping to himself so i didn't pay him too much attention when i parked and went inside. once inside it was business as usual, i collected the items i came for, waited in line to check out, told the cashier i did not have my cvs card on me, and paid. and that's when things got interesting...
i exited the store and there he was kicking the shit out of my front tire (pausing every few seconds to scream at it). slowly, i approached trying to determine what the best course of action was. eventually, i decided i would first try talking to him. after all, he was, regardless of his condition, still a human being.
"sir, um, excuse me, that's my car your kicking."
no response.
i tried again, "excuse me, sir, can you please stop kicking my tire, i'd like to leave."
this time he stopped. he looked up at me and for the slightest of moments i saw what i thought was the glimmer of recognition behind his eyes that reminds people to not repeatedly kick the tire on a stranger's car.
but, alas, the moment soon passed. he screamed something at me that sounded like "gorillas don't run up hot dog nation" (though i could be mistaken) and returned to the task at hand, kicking my tire.
at this point i paused to regroup and consider my options (i also made a mental note to consider getting one of those car alarms key chains, my thinking being had i had one of these alarms and pushed the button on the key chain, the alarm probably would have scared him away):
option a. call the police -- upside, a presumably safe solution to resolve the situation. downside, i'd have to wait for the police to show up and probably would be stuck dealing with the situation for a lot longer then i would have liked.
option b. try and lure him away from my car by any means necessary and in the ensuing chaos make my escape -- upside, a presumably quicker resolution to the situation. downside, results not guaranteed, let alone guaranteed safe.
well, suffice to say, i opted for option b (with the caveat that if i was still trying to get him away from my car for longer then 5 minutes i would initiate option a).
so i reached into my pocket, pulled out a handful of change, yelled "hey" at the man, and when he turned to look at me i threw the change away from my car towards the far end of the parking lot. he watched transfixed as the change landed with symphony of clangs, he then mumbled (incoherently) and returned his attention to my tire (i.e. kicking it).
now, had this encounter taken place a couple of weeks ago, this moment would have probably signaled the end of my attempts to distract the homeless guy and get him away from my car without having to resort to calling the po-po. BUT thanks to the awesomeness that is my messenger bag, i still had one more card to play.
i opened up my bag and searched through its contents looking for something that i could use, and there at the very bottom of the bag was the super bouncy ball i had tossed in a few days ago in case i was out and about and in need of keeping myself entertained (also now in the bag for these purposes: silly putty, a slinky, and a yo-yo).
i pulled the super bouncy ball out (it was one of those rainbow colored ones), once again yelled, "hey," and then threw...
guy took off chasing after it like it had the secrets to life contained inside.
quickly, i ran around to the driver's side, unlocked my car, and got in. i looked up just in time to see him finally corral the ball into his hands, and he looked up just in time to see me start the ignition.
for a moment we both stared at each other, like something out of some bizarre david lynch western movie not yet made. then he blinked and took off running away from me and out of the parking lot, super bouncy ball still in hand.
i watched for a moment as he continued to get further away, and as i watched i considered where on the scale of exploitative and inappropriate behavior my choice to essentially treat this man like a dog by luring him away from my car with a modified game of fetch fell.
eventually concluding that he seemed a lot happier with the super bouncy ball then he ever did kicking my tire.
so, depending on where you live and what you're doing, chances are good that you will encounter/see a homeless person on any given day. for me, living in hollywood, it's pretty much a guarantee every time i leave my house...like today.
now the homeless in hollywood are a particularly diverse bunch, ranging from the packs of runaway teens to the creepy woman who sits in her wheelchair near the post office cradling a puppet in her lap and everything in between (including, but not limited to: the down on their luck, the alcoholics/drug addicts, the soon to be famous, and the schizophrenics -- the puppet woman may or may not be a member of this group...she may or may not be a member of the second to last group too).
now, how i interact with a homeless person tends to vary depending on which of the aforementioned groups i think they belong to.
for instance, i tend to not give homeless people money (at least not directly) because i don't like being lied to and the reality is i just can't trust whether or not they are actually a "down on their luck" person who is going to use the money to buy food, or an "alcoholic/drug addict" person who is going to use the money to buy alcohol or drugs (the exception to this case is the rare occasion where i've come across a homeless person with a sign that reads something to the effect "not gonna lie, need money for booze." i pretty much always give that guy money if for no other reason then to reward his honesty).
i have a little more sympathy for the homeless youth, even though i know there's still a chance that if i give them money they'll use it for something other then what they claim. which is why when i run into them outside the grocery store, instead of giving them money, i'll often just buy them a jar of peanut butter or some cheese.
the hardest group to interact with, as you may have already guessed, are the schizophrenics...mostly because they don't interact with you as much as they just shout stuff incoherently in your direction.
when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic, i usually keep my head down, quicken my pace, count my blessings that neither i nor anyone else i care about is a homeless schizophrenic, and bemoan the fact that we as a country don't do more to provide better care for the weakest among us.
then again, usually when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic they are standing on a corner or sitting on the sidewalk or lying in some alley, as opposed to say repeatedly kicking the front passenger tire on my car, which, coincidentally, is how today's encounter with a homeless schizophrenic began.
i had gone to cvs to pick up a few things and upon pulling into the parking lot noticed a homeless person standing in said lot exhibiting all the classic signs of schizophrenia (incoherent speech. check. neglect of personal hygiene. check. angry outbursts. check).
but he seemed to be mostly keeping to himself so i didn't pay him too much attention when i parked and went inside. once inside it was business as usual, i collected the items i came for, waited in line to check out, told the cashier i did not have my cvs card on me, and paid. and that's when things got interesting...
i exited the store and there he was kicking the shit out of my front tire (pausing every few seconds to scream at it). slowly, i approached trying to determine what the best course of action was. eventually, i decided i would first try talking to him. after all, he was, regardless of his condition, still a human being.
"sir, um, excuse me, that's my car your kicking."
no response.
i tried again, "excuse me, sir, can you please stop kicking my tire, i'd like to leave."
this time he stopped. he looked up at me and for the slightest of moments i saw what i thought was the glimmer of recognition behind his eyes that reminds people to not repeatedly kick the tire on a stranger's car.
but, alas, the moment soon passed. he screamed something at me that sounded like "gorillas don't run up hot dog nation" (though i could be mistaken) and returned to the task at hand, kicking my tire.
at this point i paused to regroup and consider my options (i also made a mental note to consider getting one of those car alarms key chains, my thinking being had i had one of these alarms and pushed the button on the key chain, the alarm probably would have scared him away):
option a. call the police -- upside, a presumably safe solution to resolve the situation. downside, i'd have to wait for the police to show up and probably would be stuck dealing with the situation for a lot longer then i would have liked.
option b. try and lure him away from my car by any means necessary and in the ensuing chaos make my escape -- upside, a presumably quicker resolution to the situation. downside, results not guaranteed, let alone guaranteed safe.
well, suffice to say, i opted for option b (with the caveat that if i was still trying to get him away from my car for longer then 5 minutes i would initiate option a).
so i reached into my pocket, pulled out a handful of change, yelled "hey" at the man, and when he turned to look at me i threw the change away from my car towards the far end of the parking lot. he watched transfixed as the change landed with symphony of clangs, he then mumbled (incoherently) and returned his attention to my tire (i.e. kicking it).
now, had this encounter taken place a couple of weeks ago, this moment would have probably signaled the end of my attempts to distract the homeless guy and get him away from my car without having to resort to calling the po-po. BUT thanks to the awesomeness that is my messenger bag, i still had one more card to play.
i opened up my bag and searched through its contents looking for something that i could use, and there at the very bottom of the bag was the super bouncy ball i had tossed in a few days ago in case i was out and about and in need of keeping myself entertained (also now in the bag for these purposes: silly putty, a slinky, and a yo-yo).
i pulled the super bouncy ball out (it was one of those rainbow colored ones), once again yelled, "hey," and then threw...
guy took off chasing after it like it had the secrets to life contained inside.
quickly, i ran around to the driver's side, unlocked my car, and got in. i looked up just in time to see him finally corral the ball into his hands, and he looked up just in time to see me start the ignition.
for a moment we both stared at each other, like something out of some bizarre david lynch western movie not yet made. then he blinked and took off running away from me and out of the parking lot, super bouncy ball still in hand.
i watched for a moment as he continued to get further away, and as i watched i considered where on the scale of exploitative and inappropriate behavior my choice to essentially treat this man like a dog by luring him away from my car with a modified game of fetch fell.
eventually concluding that he seemed a lot happier with the super bouncy ball then he ever did kicking my tire.
Friday, July 24, 2009
B.I.I.D.
i write one post about getting my hairscut and immediately i'm advertising hair removal products. how interesting.
well, take this ad sense, more amputee content...thanks to the lovely and talented jules for passing this along.
this being a story about a slightly different set of amputees. people with b.i.i.d. otherwise known as body integrity identity disorder. for those of you who don't know what body integrity identity disorder is, you really should start watching more grey's anatomy or nip/tuck or csi new york.
but to sum up, b.i.i.d. is basically a neurological disorder resulting in a psychological condition that causes a person to feel that he or she would be happier living life as an amputee and is usually, if not always, accompanied by the strong desire to amputate one or more healthy limbs in order to obtain this life.
fun stuff, huh.
not too long ago the science television program, catalyst took a closer look at the disorder. suffice to say, the results were fascinating.
well, take this ad sense, more amputee content...thanks to the lovely and talented jules for passing this along.
this being a story about a slightly different set of amputees. people with b.i.i.d. otherwise known as body integrity identity disorder. for those of you who don't know what body integrity identity disorder is, you really should start watching more grey's anatomy or nip/tuck or csi new york.
but to sum up, b.i.i.d. is basically a neurological disorder resulting in a psychological condition that causes a person to feel that he or she would be happier living life as an amputee and is usually, if not always, accompanied by the strong desire to amputate one or more healthy limbs in order to obtain this life.
fun stuff, huh.
not too long ago the science television program, catalyst took a closer look at the disorder. suffice to say, the results were fascinating.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
NJ
looks like my home state is back in the news, this time for a corruption scandal involving everything from political payoffs to illegal organ transplants. awesome.
even more awesome, one of the scandals' epicenters is the town of deal, nj (which is basically just a stone's throw away from my parent's house.
it seems the deal yeshiva and the ohel yaacob synagogue on ocean avenue in deal were both raided this morning by the fbi, irs, and monmouth county prosecutor's office.
one of my favorite quotes:
"new jersey's corruption problem is one of the worst, if not the worst, in the nation," said ed kahrer, who heads the fbi's white collar and public corruption investigation division. "corruption is a cancer that is destroying the core values of this state."
yeah, good ol' nj core values.
it's really a shame that the sopranos are no longer on, cause i would have liked to have seen a storyline that included the syrian rabbis/jews of deal and organ trafficking.
even more awesome, one of the scandals' epicenters is the town of deal, nj (which is basically just a stone's throw away from my parent's house.
it seems the deal yeshiva and the ohel yaacob synagogue on ocean avenue in deal were both raided this morning by the fbi, irs, and monmouth county prosecutor's office.
one of my favorite quotes:
"new jersey's corruption problem is one of the worst, if not the worst, in the nation," said ed kahrer, who heads the fbi's white collar and public corruption investigation division. "corruption is a cancer that is destroying the core values of this state."
yeah, good ol' nj core values.
it's really a shame that the sopranos are no longer on, cause i would have liked to have seen a storyline that included the syrian rabbis/jews of deal and organ trafficking.
Hairscut
i'm currently in the process of growing my hair out. i haven't decided yet how long i'm going to let it grow, but the longer i let it grow the curlier (read: jew fro) it gets, which i like.
once, from the fall of 2004 to the summer of 2005, i went about 9 months without a hairscut (yes, i say hairscut -- because i like to get more than one cut when i go, and both hair and hairs is the plural for hair, so i don't see why the word isn't or can't be hairscut). by the end my hair was pretty crazy. i probably won't let things get that out of hand this go around, but we'll see.
anyway, eventhough i'm growing my hair out i did go to the barber this morning. the reason being i wanted to get my neckline cleaned up and my sideburns trimmed/thinned out a bit as well.
normally for all my hairscutting needs i just go to Supercuts...this is because normally my hairscutting needs consist of a 2 on the sides and back, blended into a 3 up top with the electric razor.
today, however, i went to Floyd's 99 Barbershop.
it was an impromptu decision made while driving home from taking my brother to the airport this morning. i saw a sign advertising the burbank floyd's grand opening and decided to stop in.
now, before i proceed, i will say that the barber/stylist who cut my hair did a serviceable job (complete with shaving my neck line using a straight edge razor, which was very nice). not great, mostly because she was a bit keen to try to take off more than i wanted and i had to keep telling her to leave my hair alone, but for the most part it was fine (if i was keeping my hair short i would probably go back there next time i wanted a cut, but, seeing as how i'm not, i probably won't be visiting again anytime soon).
and now that those riveting details are out of the way, here's what made the trip worthwhile--
while cutting my hair the stylist asked me what i did for a living. i said i worked in the film industry. she then asked me if i knew anyone who was looking for any new reality tv programs. i told her i did not. at which point the conversation took a rather unexpected turn:
stylist: oh that's too bad. my cousin is crazy and she would be crazy on a reality tv show.
me: uh...
stylist: actually the show would have to be about her and her sister, my other cousin, who's retarted.
me: uh...
stylist: i'm serious yo, you have no idea the shit she does.
me: which one?
stylist: both of them. they're crazy.
me: i thought one of them was retarded.
stylist: i know right. just last night she didn't want to go to sleep so my cousin started hitting her and i was like, "don't hit her" and my cousin was like, "shut up she doesn't feel it, she's retarded" and i was like, "stupid, retarded people feel it when you hit them" and she was like, "how do you know what they feel, you're not retarded."
me: uh...
stylist: then she was like, let's see if she feels stuff and so she picked up a knife and she was gonna stab her or something and i was like, "girl, put that knife down" and she was like, "shut up, bitch" and then she chased my cousin around the house for like 10 minutes before finally giving up.
me: wow...
stylist: i know right, see i told you she should have her own reality show. wouldn't you watch that?
me: (long pause) yes?
stylist: yeah, i bet everyone would.
me: you know you could always videotape it and put it up on youtube or something and then maybe someone who is looking for a reality show might see it.
stylist: oh my god, i'm totally gonna videotape it.
and that's pretty much where the conversation and coincidentally the hairscut came to an end.
the bill for the cut was $14, i left her a $20...she had earned it.
and now i'm going to start searching youtube to see if anyone has uploaded any video in the last 12 hours featuring a retarded child being chased by her knife wielding sister.
stay tuned...
once, from the fall of 2004 to the summer of 2005, i went about 9 months without a hairscut (yes, i say hairscut -- because i like to get more than one cut when i go, and both hair and hairs is the plural for hair, so i don't see why the word isn't or can't be hairscut). by the end my hair was pretty crazy. i probably won't let things get that out of hand this go around, but we'll see.
anyway, eventhough i'm growing my hair out i did go to the barber this morning. the reason being i wanted to get my neckline cleaned up and my sideburns trimmed/thinned out a bit as well.
normally for all my hairscutting needs i just go to Supercuts...this is because normally my hairscutting needs consist of a 2 on the sides and back, blended into a 3 up top with the electric razor.
today, however, i went to Floyd's 99 Barbershop.
it was an impromptu decision made while driving home from taking my brother to the airport this morning. i saw a sign advertising the burbank floyd's grand opening and decided to stop in.
now, before i proceed, i will say that the barber/stylist who cut my hair did a serviceable job (complete with shaving my neck line using a straight edge razor, which was very nice). not great, mostly because she was a bit keen to try to take off more than i wanted and i had to keep telling her to leave my hair alone, but for the most part it was fine (if i was keeping my hair short i would probably go back there next time i wanted a cut, but, seeing as how i'm not, i probably won't be visiting again anytime soon).
and now that those riveting details are out of the way, here's what made the trip worthwhile--
while cutting my hair the stylist asked me what i did for a living. i said i worked in the film industry. she then asked me if i knew anyone who was looking for any new reality tv programs. i told her i did not. at which point the conversation took a rather unexpected turn:
stylist: oh that's too bad. my cousin is crazy and she would be crazy on a reality tv show.
me: uh...
stylist: actually the show would have to be about her and her sister, my other cousin, who's retarted.
me: uh...
stylist: i'm serious yo, you have no idea the shit she does.
me: which one?
stylist: both of them. they're crazy.
me: i thought one of them was retarded.
stylist: i know right. just last night she didn't want to go to sleep so my cousin started hitting her and i was like, "don't hit her" and my cousin was like, "shut up she doesn't feel it, she's retarded" and i was like, "stupid, retarded people feel it when you hit them" and she was like, "how do you know what they feel, you're not retarded."
me: uh...
stylist: then she was like, let's see if she feels stuff and so she picked up a knife and she was gonna stab her or something and i was like, "girl, put that knife down" and she was like, "shut up, bitch" and then she chased my cousin around the house for like 10 minutes before finally giving up.
me: wow...
stylist: i know right, see i told you she should have her own reality show. wouldn't you watch that?
me: (long pause) yes?
stylist: yeah, i bet everyone would.
me: you know you could always videotape it and put it up on youtube or something and then maybe someone who is looking for a reality show might see it.
stylist: oh my god, i'm totally gonna videotape it.
and that's pretty much where the conversation and coincidentally the hairscut came to an end.
the bill for the cut was $14, i left her a $20...she had earned it.
and now i'm going to start searching youtube to see if anyone has uploaded any video in the last 12 hours featuring a retarded child being chased by her knife wielding sister.
stay tuned...
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Amputee Tattoos
today's amputee content features some, "when life gives you lemon, make lemonade" type living in the form of tattoos.
Does This Ad Make Sense?
a little less than a month ago when i decided to get back in the blogging game and moved my blog over to blogger (and what a wild ride it's been since then), i set up google's ad sense program in my layout.
i did this not because i was expecting to make any serious coin from all the hits, but because i was curious to see how it worked and i thought it would be an easy way to keep track of site traffic.
one of the unexpected but more enjoyable aspects of this decision has been watching the ads change based on the current content contained in my posts.
for example, at one point (after several marijuana related posts) all my ads were for marijuana dispensaries and other marijuana related services (services, i might add, i was more than happy to help promote/advertise).
currently, however, i'm a bit perplexed by some of the ads.
i have a few messenger bag related one's -- which i get, given all my recent talk of messenger bags (though i'm not sure what about my blog makes ad sense think that either i or the people who read my blog would be interested in a messenger bag with a chrome PBR buckle, but i digress).
i also have an add for safeway, an add for a jewish dating website, and (last but not least) an add for customary jewish caskets.
ok, now, ignoring for the moment the whole sesame street scenario (i.e. one of these things is not like the other), i'd like to know why ad sense determined there was a need for a customary jewish caskets ad on my blog?
again, i get why, given all my recent jew talk, there are ads for jewish products, but i don't understand why said jewish products extend to include caskets.
was it all that talk of murderous rampage i was spewing early last week when the power tools wouldn't stop waking me up? why not an add for power tools?
i guess it really doesn't matter, point is, i find the whole thing somewhat entertaining...and so, in the spirit of keeping myself entertained (which is one of the main reasons i do this whole thing), i thought it might be interesting to see if i could get the ads on my site to begin advertising amputee related products/services.
why amputees? why not? also, i just came across this story about lie yeung (pictured), 27, who was warned earlier this week after police in china stopped him for driving his motorcycle without any arms.
apparently, mr. yeung had fitted a specially modified handlebar to the bike that allowed him to steer with his body (pretty inventive if you ask me).
in fact, he had been driving that way (with the handlebar, not on a motorcycle...at least i assume) for years after he lost both arms when he was seven years old after touching a live electric cable with both hands.
which would be a little sad (a seven year old losing his arms) if not for the happy ending. for you see his parents decided to hand him over to a circus when he was 10 so that he could earn money as a trick cyclist, and (amputee or not) every little boy dreams of being handed over to the circus when they're 10 (tangential aside - it's obvious why china is gaining/passing the united states in so many categories, look how good their parenting skills are).
so anyway, in case you start wondering why the increase in amputee related content on the blog over the next few days, now you know.
i did this not because i was expecting to make any serious coin from all the hits, but because i was curious to see how it worked and i thought it would be an easy way to keep track of site traffic.
one of the unexpected but more enjoyable aspects of this decision has been watching the ads change based on the current content contained in my posts.
for example, at one point (after several marijuana related posts) all my ads were for marijuana dispensaries and other marijuana related services (services, i might add, i was more than happy to help promote/advertise).
currently, however, i'm a bit perplexed by some of the ads.
i have a few messenger bag related one's -- which i get, given all my recent talk of messenger bags (though i'm not sure what about my blog makes ad sense think that either i or the people who read my blog would be interested in a messenger bag with a chrome PBR buckle, but i digress).
i also have an add for safeway, an add for a jewish dating website, and (last but not least) an add for customary jewish caskets.
ok, now, ignoring for the moment the whole sesame street scenario (i.e. one of these things is not like the other), i'd like to know why ad sense determined there was a need for a customary jewish caskets ad on my blog?
again, i get why, given all my recent jew talk, there are ads for jewish products, but i don't understand why said jewish products extend to include caskets.
was it all that talk of murderous rampage i was spewing early last week when the power tools wouldn't stop waking me up? why not an add for power tools?
i guess it really doesn't matter, point is, i find the whole thing somewhat entertaining...and so, in the spirit of keeping myself entertained (which is one of the main reasons i do this whole thing), i thought it might be interesting to see if i could get the ads on my site to begin advertising amputee related products/services.
why amputees? why not? also, i just came across this story about lie yeung (pictured), 27, who was warned earlier this week after police in china stopped him for driving his motorcycle without any arms.
apparently, mr. yeung had fitted a specially modified handlebar to the bike that allowed him to steer with his body (pretty inventive if you ask me).
in fact, he had been driving that way (with the handlebar, not on a motorcycle...at least i assume) for years after he lost both arms when he was seven years old after touching a live electric cable with both hands.
which would be a little sad (a seven year old losing his arms) if not for the happy ending. for you see his parents decided to hand him over to a circus when he was 10 so that he could earn money as a trick cyclist, and (amputee or not) every little boy dreams of being handed over to the circus when they're 10 (tangential aside - it's obvious why china is gaining/passing the united states in so many categories, look how good their parenting skills are).
so anyway, in case you start wondering why the increase in amputee related content on the blog over the next few days, now you know.
Monday, July 20, 2009
There's Room For One More
i wish i was quicker at mental math, that way i'd have a better chance of figuring out whether the elevator full of really, really fat people was safe to ride or whether it was too close to the load limit.
also, in the same vein, i suppose that is one of those rare instances in life when experience working at an amusement park "guess your age/weight" station might prove to have some real world practical application.
also, in the same vein, i suppose that is one of those rare instances in life when experience working at an amusement park "guess your age/weight" station might prove to have some real world practical application.
Oh Kelly. Oh Kelly.
those that know me well know that when it comes to dating, i only have one unbreakable rule...never date someone with the same name.
the reason for this rule is simple: you'll never be sure whether they are calling out your name or their name in bed.
you could be making sweet, sweet love with the most narcissistic person on the planet and you'd never know.
there are other problems to be sure, though usually these problems affect other people more than they affect you (e.g. figuring out how to differentiate between the two of you when trying to tell a story about something you all did together, figuring out how to avoid falling into an abbott and costello routine when calling to speak with one of you on the phone, figuring out how to take the right urine sample from the fridge and avoiding the awkward mix up that results in a man being told he's pregnant when he gets drug tested for work-- what? sometimes you have to rely on friends for clean urine), but they all pale in comparison to the dirty talk conundrum, which is what ultimately causes these things to go bad.
you may think i'm kidding about all this, but i assure you that i'm not.
getting into a relationship with someone who has the same first name as you is getting into a relationship that is doomed to fail.
don't get me wrong, in the few times in my life i've born witness to a friend starting a relationship with someone with the same first name as them, i always offer the same wishes for happiness and an enjoyable life together that i would for any of my friends dating people with different first names. but when the end comes, and inevitably it always does, i am never surprised.
in fact, i thought by now most people had basically come to accept this tenet as a universal truth.
but, apparently, i was mistaken.
meet kelly hildebrandt...and his fiance kelly hildebrandt.
that's right. these kids aren't even married yet and they share not one, but two of the same names...which takes this into an entirely new degree of creepy (something not even a hyphen can fix).
and how did this storybook romance begin. of course, via the internet.
it seems kelly (girl) was searching facebook to see how many other kelly hildebrandts there were out there in the virtual world, and it turned out the answer was only one. (boy) kelly hildebrandt.
naturally she sent him a message, and the rest, as they say, is history...
well kelly and kelly, i wish you good luck and a lifetime of happiness together, but if (when) things go bad, don't say i didn't warn you and don't come crying to me.
the reason for this rule is simple: you'll never be sure whether they are calling out your name or their name in bed.
you could be making sweet, sweet love with the most narcissistic person on the planet and you'd never know.
there are other problems to be sure, though usually these problems affect other people more than they affect you (e.g. figuring out how to differentiate between the two of you when trying to tell a story about something you all did together, figuring out how to avoid falling into an abbott and costello routine when calling to speak with one of you on the phone, figuring out how to take the right urine sample from the fridge and avoiding the awkward mix up that results in a man being told he's pregnant when he gets drug tested for work-- what? sometimes you have to rely on friends for clean urine), but they all pale in comparison to the dirty talk conundrum, which is what ultimately causes these things to go bad.
you may think i'm kidding about all this, but i assure you that i'm not.
getting into a relationship with someone who has the same first name as you is getting into a relationship that is doomed to fail.
don't get me wrong, in the few times in my life i've born witness to a friend starting a relationship with someone with the same first name as them, i always offer the same wishes for happiness and an enjoyable life together that i would for any of my friends dating people with different first names. but when the end comes, and inevitably it always does, i am never surprised.
in fact, i thought by now most people had basically come to accept this tenet as a universal truth.
but, apparently, i was mistaken.
meet kelly hildebrandt...and his fiance kelly hildebrandt.
that's right. these kids aren't even married yet and they share not one, but two of the same names...which takes this into an entirely new degree of creepy (something not even a hyphen can fix).
and how did this storybook romance begin. of course, via the internet.
it seems kelly (girl) was searching facebook to see how many other kelly hildebrandts there were out there in the virtual world, and it turned out the answer was only one. (boy) kelly hildebrandt.
naturally she sent him a message, and the rest, as they say, is history...
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
well kelly and kelly, i wish you good luck and a lifetime of happiness together, but if (when) things go bad, don't say i didn't warn you and don't come crying to me.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Don't Try This At Home
if i've said it once, i've said it a thousand times. leave the belly dancing to trained professionals.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Shameless Self Promotion Alert
the bluecat screenplay competition semi-finalists were just announced, and one of my most recent scripts, "The End of August" made the list (top 1% of over 3200 submissions). go me.
but don't anyone worry about me getting a big head, as i'm about to go put in my brand new nightguard that is supposed to help cure my tmj...and really nothing brings you back down like wearing a nightguard (of course if it helps, i won't really give a shit).
but don't anyone worry about me getting a big head, as i'm about to go put in my brand new nightguard that is supposed to help cure my tmj...and really nothing brings you back down like wearing a nightguard (of course if it helps, i won't really give a shit).
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I Hate Power Tools
the construction continues. we are now on day 2. if you would like to see what life has been like for me for the past 2 days, keep replaying the video below at full volume on a continuous loop from the hours of 8am - 5pm (you may stop for approx 45 min. for lunch).
at this rate, i really think there's a good chance that i end up going on a michael douglas "falling down" style rampage, killing the entire construction crew.
at this rate, i really think there's a good chance that i end up going on a michael douglas "falling down" style rampage, killing the entire construction crew.
Your Tax Dollars Hard At Work
supreme court confirmation hearings. sonia sotomayor explains the dangers of nunchuks.
Monday, July 13, 2009
An Orgasm A Day Keeps The Doctor Away...
so says the national health service of britain.
money quote (no pun intended): “health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. what about sex or masturbation twice a week?”
anyone interested in getting some cardio in later this week? i'm around.
money quote (no pun intended): “health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. what about sex or masturbation twice a week?”
anyone interested in getting some cardio in later this week? i'm around.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The Day After, The Hitler Youth Brigade, And A Taste Of Bird
i'm sure there are those among you who have been waiting with baited breath to hear how the messenger bag field test went last night...well wait no longer, i'm happy to tell you my bag performed like a champion.
in fact, i would say that the bag perhaps even exceeded my expectations. sure, i took some flak for walking around with "a glorified purse," but the ratio of flak taken to comfort achieved wasn't even close (certainly not anywhere near close to the level it would have needed to be in order to make me rethink my decision).
although, at one point a couple of (really) drunk people in a car screamed "heil hitler" at me and my brother while we were walking home after getting some late night food at the 101, but i'm pretty certain this had nothing to do with my bag.
to be honest, i have no idea what the reason was behind their religious epithet. however, possible explanations include:
1. they were bigoted, racist, anti-semites. they did have shaved heads/crew cuts, but they were foreign, armenian or maybe turkish (i'm not sure whether that makes this explanation more or less likely).
2. they were really, really, really shitfaced (and, as everyone knows, anti-semitic slurs are much more acceptable when you are really, really, really shitfaced).
3. they were method actors, still in character from whatever white supremacist/aryan youth themed movie they were working on (in which case, i commend them on the dedication to their craft).
also, (and perhaps even more perplexing then the slurs themselves) i'm still not entirely certain how they determined that we were jewish. it's not as if i (or my brother) walk around wearing a yarmulke or any other yid gear that would instantly identify me (or him) as being of the jewish persuasion. however, possible explanations include:
1. even sans yarmulke, we (apparently) look jewish...or at least jewish enough to warrant a "heil hitler" thrown at us (though i'm fairly certain our horns were not exposed at the time).
2. i mistakenly wore my cardigan with the giant yellow star of david patch when i left the house last night (hate it when that happens).
3. i was shouting passages of my bar mitzvah torah portion out as i walked (i was also rather intoxicated so this shouldn't be immediately dismissed).
i suppose a combination of any/all of the above is possible. unfortunately, i didn't have the chance to ask them before they drove away, so i guess we'll just be left to wonder.
anyway, back to my bag. like i was saying, it was glorious, having it with me and having the ability to comfortably carry all the stuff i usually cram into my pockets really made a difference.
and i'm not talking about some theoretical difference. no, no, this is a difference you can actually see.
because i had my bag, i decided to bring my camera with me to the concert, something that i normally wouldn't have done, as it would have been just one more thing to carry/worry about losing. but seeing as how that was not a problem...
a treat for all you kids who couldn't make it out last night. here's andrew bird performing 'weather systems'
in fact, i would say that the bag perhaps even exceeded my expectations. sure, i took some flak for walking around with "a glorified purse," but the ratio of flak taken to comfort achieved wasn't even close (certainly not anywhere near close to the level it would have needed to be in order to make me rethink my decision).
although, at one point a couple of (really) drunk people in a car screamed "heil hitler" at me and my brother while we were walking home after getting some late night food at the 101, but i'm pretty certain this had nothing to do with my bag.
to be honest, i have no idea what the reason was behind their religious epithet. however, possible explanations include:
1. they were bigoted, racist, anti-semites. they did have shaved heads/crew cuts, but they were foreign, armenian or maybe turkish (i'm not sure whether that makes this explanation more or less likely).
2. they were really, really, really shitfaced (and, as everyone knows, anti-semitic slurs are much more acceptable when you are really, really, really shitfaced).
3. they were method actors, still in character from whatever white supremacist/aryan youth themed movie they were working on (in which case, i commend them on the dedication to their craft).
also, (and perhaps even more perplexing then the slurs themselves) i'm still not entirely certain how they determined that we were jewish. it's not as if i (or my brother) walk around wearing a yarmulke or any other yid gear that would instantly identify me (or him) as being of the jewish persuasion. however, possible explanations include:
1. even sans yarmulke, we (apparently) look jewish...or at least jewish enough to warrant a "heil hitler" thrown at us (though i'm fairly certain our horns were not exposed at the time).
2. i mistakenly wore my cardigan with the giant yellow star of david patch when i left the house last night (hate it when that happens).
3. i was shouting passages of my bar mitzvah torah portion out as i walked (i was also rather intoxicated so this shouldn't be immediately dismissed).
i suppose a combination of any/all of the above is possible. unfortunately, i didn't have the chance to ask them before they drove away, so i guess we'll just be left to wonder.
anyway, back to my bag. like i was saying, it was glorious, having it with me and having the ability to comfortably carry all the stuff i usually cram into my pockets really made a difference.
and i'm not talking about some theoretical difference. no, no, this is a difference you can actually see.
because i had my bag, i decided to bring my camera with me to the concert, something that i normally wouldn't have done, as it would have been just one more thing to carry/worry about losing. but seeing as how that was not a problem...
a treat for all you kids who couldn't make it out last night. here's andrew bird performing 'weather systems'
Friday, July 10, 2009
Messenger Bag Continued
exciting times. tonight will be the first field test for my new messenger bag.
in just under 2 hours i'll be heading out to the greek theatre for an andrew bird concert, and i plan to do so with my pockets empty and my messenger bag full.
stay tuned for updates on how it performs.
in just under 2 hours i'll be heading out to the greek theatre for an andrew bird concert, and i plan to do so with my pockets empty and my messenger bag full.
stay tuned for updates on how it performs.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
A New Vagina Lifting World Record
this just in --
a russian woman has set a new world record in (what i imagine to be) the highly competitive sport of vagina lifting!
congratulations to Tatiata Kozhevnikova of Novosibirsk, aged 42. she has been in training for 15 years and has finally won the bragging rights after lifting a 14kg glass ball.
as you are all i'm sure aware, vagina lifting takes place by inserting a vagina ball into your vagina. this ball has a string attached to it with a little hook at the very end, you then fix a second ball onto this hook, and lift.
but there's more then just world records at stake. according to Tatiata, "it's enough to exercise your vagina five minutes a day, ladies, and in just one week you'll be able to give yourself and your man unforgettable pleasure in bed."
what are you waiting for ladies, start lifting!
Man Born With Two Penises Removes One
awkward thursday continues with the story of a man who recently had one of his two penises removed after his lover made him choose between her or the second penis.
apparently having two penises (penii?) is an actual (albeit extremely rare) medical condition called diphallus. There are about 100 such reported cases of diphallus around the world and it is known to occur among one in 5.5 million men.
to be honest i'm not sure why someone would want to throw away a perfectly good second penis, but maybe that's just me.
for photos google at your own risk.
apparently having two penises (penii?) is an actual (albeit extremely rare) medical condition called diphallus. There are about 100 such reported cases of diphallus around the world and it is known to occur among one in 5.5 million men.
to be honest i'm not sure why someone would want to throw away a perfectly good second penis, but maybe that's just me.
for photos google at your own risk.
Awkward Family Photos
so by now i'll assume you've all had the chance to check out the glory that is awkward family photos. but what you haven't had the chance yet to see is the photo that i will be submitting.
best matching outfits ever.
best matching outfits ever.
Prepare Yourself For Something Awkward...
once again, quite possibly the best 2 minutes and 7 seconds of your week. god bless the interwebs and affordable video cameras.
Awkward Thursday
I hereby decree today, thursday july 9th, 2009 to be awkward thursday, a day for celebrating all things awkward.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Messenger Bag
earlier today i bought a small-sized messenger bag (see photo: yes that's an eagle patch. it's awesome, i know).i already own a large(r) messenger bag (sans patch), which i use to carry my laptop around in, and as a carry on bag when i travel.
the reason for the new bag is that lately i've found i've been walking around with way too much stuff in my pockets (notepad, pen, phone, ipod, camera, glasses, sunglasses, etc.), and to be honest, it's not very comfortable.
now i suppose i could just try to cut down on the number of things in my pockets, but most of the stuff i carry i tend to use on a (semi) regular basis.
in the past i've tried to use the large(r) bag for the carrying of said items, but it has so far proved ineffective in that i end up walking around with a (more than) half empty bag that is usually more nuisance then nuisance preventing (like when i try to take it to the movies or a concert and there's no where to comfortably put it other than on my lap).
so, basically, i was left with 2 options:
1. buy a man purse aka a murse -- the problem here is that i'm pretty sure i'm not fashion forward enough to pull that look off (also, i didn't want to have to worry about a multiple murse scenario wherein i start buying murses to go with the different kinds of outfits i am wearing. e.g. an evening murse for dressier occasions vs my every day murse for the casual man).
or
2. buy the smaller sized (11" x 9.5" x 3.5" for anyone wondering) messenger bag -- which, as you already know, is the option i went with.
but this is not really a story about my new messenger bag...no, this is a story about the store where the bag was purchased (and the other people shopping there at the time). for, you see, today when i went to buy my new messenger bag i did so at the army surplus store.
for those of you who have never been, the army surplus store is a wonderful place to shop (good selection, great prices, and some of the most interesting people you're liable to come across on any given day of your life).
basically, for every one person who is shopping at the store for a small sized messenger bag to hold his geek equipment in, there's (at least) one person who is shopping at the store for survival gear for when armageddon arrives.
today i was lucky enough to encounter 2 such people.
the first, an elderly gentleman, was busy stocking up on supplies (hunting knives, rope, water purification tablets, a gas mask, a geiger counter, and a machete). but he was kind enough to take a few minutes out of his day to explain to me that the key to post apocalyptic survival (if your lucky enough to survive the initial blasts and fallout) is an ample supply of potable water and the ability to defend any "sons-of-bitches" trying to "thieve" said supply.
he recommended always having at least one large duffel bag full of weapons in your home for the latter and at least one small duffel bag full of weapons safely stashed somewhere outside of your house in case you are either a) not home when the apocalypse comes or b)forced into a situation where you must retake your house from any post-apocalyptic squatters who have taken up residence while you were hunkered down somewhere else waiting for the fallout to pass.
the second, a younger man but just as squirrelly looking, was on a quest to find the fatigues that the special forces soldiers wore in transformers 2. yes, he had photos. unfortunately, for him, they did not have any fatigues in the store that were an exact match. fortunately, for me, i did get to hear his reasoning behind the quest for these fatigues and i quote, "no, they have to be an exact match, only then will people know i am serious enough to kill a robot."
i considered offering my opinion, that he seemed serious enough to kill a robot exactly how he was dressed right then (jeans, black boots, and a camo top), but in the end i decided that it was probably for the best to just keep my mouth shut. generally speaking, i find people who want others to know they are serious enough to kill robots are people best left alone.
and so, having paid for my bag, i left. my pockets now considerably less full, but my intentions to return to the store again in the near future (even if i don't need to buy anything) greatly increased.
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