Leading Member Of The Community

Well, apparently word of my community activism has started to spread. I just received a call from a woman named Brooke, who works in the mayor’s office. Brooke said that I have been identified as a leading member of the Santa Monica community, and as such, the mayor’s office was hoping that I would be willing to fill out a survey in regards to the city’s new policy on dealing with the homeless.

I told her I would be happy to.

So, in the next few days I will be receiving a survey to fill out and return promptly that will go over the current policy as well as ask questions that will allow me to provide my insight on what can be done in order to better serve the greater Santa Monica community combat homelessness.

See what happens when you go to a neighborhood community meeting…

Don’t say I didn’t encourage all of you to go.

I’m sure there will be plenty of meetings in your neighborhood in the future, so I advise you to go and check one out…then you too can become a leading member of your community and have people from the mayor’s office call you to ask for your help.

Gee, I'm Glad It's Raining

It’s raining outside right now…it rained all morning, and apparently it’s supposed to rain tomorrow as well (or so Dallas Raines - meteorologist for ABC, who has the best name for a weatherman this side of Storm Fields - tells me).

I’m not sure why but for some reason whenever it rains I always think of the movie Ernest Goes To Camp and the scene in which Ernest sings the song “Gee, I’m Glad It’s Raining:”

Gee, l’m glad it’s raining
There’s always somethin’ to be thankful for
l’m awfully glad it’s raining
‘Cause no one sees your teardrops when it pours
And no one knows the thunder
ls your heartbreak in disguise
They think the rainy night’s
What put that sad look in your eyes
Sure, l’m glad it’s raining
The gentle rhythm soothes the pain inside
l’m glad the stars aren’t shinin’
A wounded warrior needs a place to hide
l thought l had found someone l could count on
Till the end
What they wanted was a hero
All l needed was a friend
Gee, l’m glad it’s raining
l hope the mornin’ sun won’t come up soon
As long as it keeps raining
No one knows my heart broke right in two
l thought l had found someone l could count on
Till the end
What they wanted was a hero
All l needed was a friend
Sure, l’m glad it’s raining
l’m awfully glad it’s raining

It’s not that I’m sad or anything…I really have no idea why I always think of that scene…I guess it’s just proof of the lasting impact the emotional acting of Jim Varney had on me as a child…

In other news…has anyone noticed how product spokespeople are starting to look alike, specifically let me draw your attention to the Verizon Wireless Guy and The Taco Bell Good To Go Guy.

I think it’s really confusing (not to mention really annoying - then again all comercial spokespeople are annoying - except for Jim Varney he was awesome) to have two spokespeople look so similar…so in the interest of fairness, I think they should have to fight to the death and only the winner will be allowed to continue to shill for corporate america…

They could broadcast this fight on television and it could be sponsored by Verizon and Taco Bell so really it would be a win win for everyone…

Both corporations would get the publicity…the reality tv loving public would get something to watch, and afterwards, I’d only have to look at one of them from now on. See everyone wins.

If anyone from Fox is reading this, run with it…please.

Who You Gonna Call?

“During the rectification of the Vuldronaii the Traveller came as a large, moving Torg. Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants they chose a new form for him–that of a giant Sloar. Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar that day, I can tell you.” - Vinz Clortho aka Louis Tully

So, I just got back from taking a walk for some coffee. In order to get the coffee my route took me past the car mechanic shop on Ocean Ave (presumably the same one previously discussed at the neighborhood community meeting - the one responsible for all that racing and speeding on 31st and 32nd), and there sitting out front in the mechanic’s lot was an Ectomobile. That’s right the car from Ghostbusters.

I’m not sure if this is the original Ecto 1 or not, but if it’s not it’s a damn fine replica. And assuming it’s not the original (because presumably why would whichever studio who owns the car bring it to this tiny little shop in Santa Monica), then whomever owns this car is an awful big fan of the film to be rolling around in an Ectomobile.

It was very strange walking along the sidewalk and spotting the Ectomobile just hanging out in the parking lot. I think I actually exclaimed, “holy shit it’s the Ectomobile.”

Anyways…in other news I finished the Arctic Monkeys CD, it’s really good. In case anyone was waiting on my review before purchasing it themselves, you may now proceed.

Informer

In a word…Awesome.

That’s right, Snow is now rockin’ the microphone steady on my profile (thank you megan for help in finding him, I am extremely grateful).

After writing yesterday’s post I realized that a) I was really itching to hear and bask in the awesomeness that is Snow and b) I wanted to share this awesomeness with all of you.

And now I can.

So go ahead, rewatch the video (I watched it 5 times in a row before writing this post)…I’ll wait.

Fantastic isn’t it.

I love how they have the subtitles scroll across the bottom of the screen. I love how Snow’s wardrobe changes include his glasses. And mostly I love that look Snow gives in the final shot. Pure genius.

Also, I’m pretty sure that Ali G. referenced this video when outfitting his interlude dancers, which if true makes me appreciate Ali G. even more.

I’d write more, but it’s getting late, and I really need to go and watch the video at least 7 more times before I can even think about going to sleep.

Cold As Ice

Just finished watching the Olympic coverage of the women’s ice skating short program, it was probably so far the best/most compelling event shown during the games (of course this won’t matter unless the free skate is also good).

I think I may have caught a break here also - thanks to the Golf Match Play championships there is no PTI on for the next few days, so I probably can stay away from ESPN long enough to avoid seeing the results before the coverage airs.

This way there might actually be some drama and unknown intrigue in watching the free skate on Thursday evening.

Now I know statements like the following are a double-edged sword, but after much debate I’m deciding to announce to everyone to please avoid telling me the results of the ice skating before I see it on television Thursday evening. This wasn’t an easy decision to come to…obviously now that I’ve stated my preference to not be told anything I’ve opened myself up to 2 possibilities that will ruin my goals a) someone will deliberately tell me - which would just be mean b) someone would accidentally tell me either because they forgot that i’m in a different time zone or they remembered that I was interested in the event but forgot that I didn’t want to discuss it until after the fact.

I’m sure some of you are saying, I shouldn’t have said anything at all - thereby providing the shroud of disinterest which presumably would stop anyone from bringing up the results of the women’s ice skating in conversation/email…and you might be right…However, I decided it was better to state my desire not to know then be told as oppossed to not wanting to know without saying so and be told (it was close though, I actually thought about it and discussed it for about 15 minutes).

In other ice related news, I’m about halfway through the debut album from the Arctic Monkeys (who are from England so really the name is the only thing ice related - eventhough I’m not actually sure there are such things as monkeys in the arctic. It could just be one of those clever indie rock names that really isn’t anything but a bunch of words thrown together designed to sound clever. I can’t play an instrument or sing very well, but if I could do either of these two things and I started an indie rock band I would name it Mogadishu Pancake Explosion. But, since I can’t I settled for using this as the name of my Ipod, which is where most of my indie music now resides). So far I really like the album.

Thinking about the Arctic Monkeys and the ice skating made me think about Vanilla Ice and his album Cold As Ice (hence the title of this post), and also Snow and his album 12″ Of Snow (which I now realize has nothing to do with the weather conditions outside).

Do any of you remember Snow - he was the guy that sang that song Informer. He was Canadian but he sounded like he was from the Caribbean. I really liked that song, I remember coming home from school and putting on MTV to see if they were gonna play the video (which they always did - this was in 1992 which was before I realized that MTV just keeps playing the same videos over and over again).

Here are the lyrics to the song:

What’s up man hey yo what’s up
Yeah what’s goin’ on here
Sick an’ tired of five-oh runnin’ up on the block here
You know what I’m sayin’
Yo Snow they came around here lookin’ for you the other day
Word word bust it

CHORUS:
Informer you no say daddy me Snow me I’ll go blame
A licky boom boom down
Detective mon said daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky Boom Boom Down.

CHORUS.

Police them come an’ now they blow down me door
One him come crawl through through my window
So then they put me in the back the car at the station
From that point on me reach my destination
When the destination reached it was the east detention
Where them whipped down me pants looked up me bottom so

CHORUS.

Bigger they are they think they have more power
They’re on the phone me say that on (every) hour
Me for want to use it once an’ now me call me lover
Lover who I’ll be callin is the one Tammy
An’ me love her in me heart down to my belly
Yes me daddy me Snow me I feel cool an’ deadly
As the one MC Shan an’ the one daddy Snow
Together we-a love ‘em as a Tor-Na-Do

CHORUS.

Listen for me you better listen for me now (x2)
When me rockin’ the microphone me rock it steady
Yes sir daddy me Snow me are the article don
But in the in an’ the out of a dance them they say where you come from
People them say you come from Jamaica
But me born an’ raised in the ghetto that’s the one I want you to know
Pure black people mon that’s all I mon know
Yeah me shoes are tear up an’ me toes used to show
Where me born in on the one Toronto so

CHORUS.

Come with a nice young lady.
Intelligent yes she’s gentle an’ irie
Everywhere me go me never left her at all
Yes its daddy Snow me are the roam dance mon
Roam between a dancin’ in a in a nation-a
You never know say daddy me Snow me are the Boom Shakata
Me never lay-a down flat in that one cardboard box
Yes say me Daddy me Snow me I’ll go reachin’ at the top so

CHORUS.

Why would he (x2)

Me sittin’ ’round cool with my dibbie dibbie girl
Police knock my door lick up my pal
Rough me up an’ I can’t do a thing
Pick up my line when my telephone ring
Take me to the station black up my hands
Trail me down ‘cuz I’m hangin’ with the Snowman
What I’m gonna do I’m backed an’ I’m trapped
Slap me in the face an’ took all o’ my gap
They have no clues an’ they wanna get warmer
But Shan won’t turn informer

CHORUS.

Man, what a good song. I wonder what Snow is up to these days…

I shall ask Wikipedia…okay, here we go…

Snow (born Darrin O’Brien on October 30, 1968 in Toronto (North York), Ontario) is an award-winning Canadian reggae musician. His 1992 debut album was 12 Inches of Snow. MC Shan produced the entire album, apart from one track which was produced by John Ficarrotta. Ficarrotta and Shan also worked on Snow’s second album, Murder Love, which also featured production work by Junior Reid, Hurby “LuvBug” Azor, and others, as well as guest appearances by Junior Reid, Ninjaman, HalfPit and others. His single “Informer”, featuring MC Shan, is one of the largest-selling reggae records of all time and was a #1 hit in the United States.

Although Snow’s subsequent albums performed poorly, he returned to the Canadian pop charts in 2000 with “Everybody Wants to Be Like You”, from the album Mind on the Moon.

Snow is a relative of Barenaked Ladies member Ed Robertson.

Wow…he’s related to one of the Barenaked Ladies guys, that seems really odd. If I had a game show that would definitely be used as a question (if any of you have or know of anyone who has a game show feel free to use it).

Alright, time for me to go to sleep…

The Coming Apocolypse

I think my appreciation for freaks has increased exponentially ever since I started this blog. It is a well known mathematical fact that freaks = interesting blog topics. It is also a well known fact (though I don’t think math related - however I suppose population numbers could be tabulated, computed, and examined to come up with some sort of ratio) that Los Angeles is chalk full of lots of freaks.

Today I ran into one of them while I was out running some errands. He was a black man who had painted his face white, and he was standing on the street corner holding a sign that read, “Prepare For The Coming Apocolypse…Will You Be Saved?”

He was shaking this sign towards the people driving in their cars as they passed him by, and occassionally someone would honk their horn.

I wondered whether or not those honking were hoping to encourage or discourage him and his message. Probably a mixture of both, along with people who were just praying that he wasn’t going to jump in front of their car and kill himself (at least that’s what I would have been thinking if I was in the car driving).

As it were, I was on foot, so not only was I privelaged enough to witness the spectacle, but I also had the opportunity to hear him shouting as well (though presumably his shouting was loud enough to be heard even if you were in the car - depending on the volume you keep your music, and the state of your windows).

He was pretty much sticking to the basics, nothing too creative for his shouting, mostly just “Repent!” “Jesus Saves!” “The End Is Coming!” “There Will Be Hell On Earth!” “The Dead Shall Rise Once Again!” and combinations of any/all of the above. Basically all the standards from the religious fanatic’s go to playbook of street corner preaching.

When I saw him I was very tempted to try and approach to snag a picture of him, as well as to inquire about what significance (if any) his face being painted white had, but after a brief moment of contemplation I thought better of it and instead just continued on my way into Rite-Aid.

When I got out he was no longer there, so I suppose I’ll never know. It’s probably better this way.

Reason For My Absence

sorry for my absence the past few days, the internet has been down in my apartment, so i haven’t really had the ability to post.

why was the internet down, you ask?

well, it began the other evening (actually it was early thurs. morning - about 1am), when my brother knocked on my bedroom door and said pretty much the last thing you want to hear at 1 in the morning as you’re half-asleep, “help, it’s raining in my bedroom.”

I got out of bed and went to my brother’s room where, it was in fact, raining. There were at least 5 seperate steady streams of water cascading from his ceiling. We began to madly dash around the apartment, trying to get stuff out of his room, as well as collect buckets and pans and what not to put down on the floor.

at one point I ran back into my room to grab my garage can, only to hear a suspicious sound coming from my bedroom closet, which upon investigation revealed that it was now raining in my closet too.

we called the maintenance people and they sent over someone to help clean up the mess. his name was pedro, and he had a t-shirt on that marked the celebration of national pass gas day, which apparently (according to the t-shirt) occurred on April 30, 1999.

at first I thought that national pass gas day was exactly as it suggests, a day for everyone to pass gas (something which presumably hundreds of thousands of people participated in, even if unknowingly). However, after further review, I found out that it was actually a day in which a boycott of gas was held to lower gas prices in the United States and Canada (this apparently worked - or so the internet tells me, and also t-shirts were made - as pedro’s wardrobe demonstrates, and the fact that Pedro is so politically active is, in retrospect, perhaps even funnier than if his t-shirt was only commemorating a day of widespread gastrointestinal activity).

Pedro was a nice guy, and he helped clean our carpets. Unfortunately, the cleaning process lasted until around 5 am, so I’ve been existing in a zombie like state for the last two days, as the post flood clean up and assessment process continues.

The worst part is the fact that, the carpet still smells pretty disgusting, and so fans have been blowing, windows are open, and my apartment is really quite cold. here is a picture of what the water looked like, when collected in a bucket — perhaps you can imagine why my apartment smells.

anyways, since most of the water damage occurred in my brother’s room, we had moved his computer and all other electronic devices (including the modem) out into the living room - hence the internet issues. but, now things are back in place, and mostly back to normal around here (again save for the smell - though we have some of those plug in oil scented things that are working on full blast and doing a pretty good job of things, so hopefully that should all be fixed soon)

so, barring any other unforseen disasters, my internet access/posting ability should be back to a regular schedule in the coming week. I’m sure you are all thrilled. Hopefully this absence didn’t disrupt anyone’s life too much…in the future I suppose I could always go to Starbucks or something to access the internet, I know how much everyone looks forward to my blog posts, I’ll try not to let you down again.

Curling

I just spent the last 3 hours watching Olympic coverage of the Men’s Curling match between the United States and Italy. Italy won. Overall, I haven’t been watching much of the Olympic coverage, partly because the events so far have been rather boring, and also because any event I might watch (curling aside) I keep seeing the results for prior to the coverage airing on television (needless to say results for curling aren’t usually the lead story on espn.com and overall the coverage for curling isn’t that extensive - though it should be - curling usually airs midday on CNBC).

I would like to learn how to curl.

For those of you not familiar with curling, it’s pretty much the equivalent of shuffle board on ice (of course I’m not really certain as to the precise rules and regulations of either game - so this could be a slight misrepresentation. The only thing I really know about shuffle board is not to wear sandals on the court, I once got yelled at for doing so. I would presume the no sandal rule is also recommended if not required for curling as well).

Curling has been one of those sports over the last few years that is simmering just below the surface of mainstream popularity, and really I feel it’s only a matter of time before it blows up.

In the last year the sport has received some increased popularity due to the calendar of women curlers posing nude or semi-nude to promote the sport.

Generally speaking posing nude or semi-nude is a good way to promote anything. There was even that movie about all those old people posing nude for a calendar to raise money for their town. Though, I’m not sure what happened there, I never saw the movie - mostly because I had no interest in seeing a bunch of really old people posing nude or semi-nude for a calendar regardless of their motivation - so perhaps it’s not always a good idea.

Similarly, I probably wouldn’t think that a nude or semi-nude calendar of homeless people would be a good idea to raise money for the homeless, although who knows, all those bum fight videos did really well for a few months (other causes/people that should probably avoid nude or semi-nude calendars: anorexics, meth addicts, those afflicted by elephantitis, and people suffering from advanced stage syphilis).

Anyways, I’m gonna get back to work now…

Ghosts

There haven’t been any ants in my bathroom for the past few days. Normally, I would be pleased with this ant free state, however, I’m relatively certain that the disappearance of the ants is due to the fact that there is a ghost now living in my bathroom.

As some of you are aware I prefer shaving while I’m in the shower. It’s a good two birds with one stone sorta way of getting ready, and I find that it’s a lot easier to shave standing in my shower then leaning over a sink.

In order to shave in the shower I use a fogless mirror with some suction cups on my wall. It works pretty well, at least for me.

Anyways, the fogless mirror that I own has a LED light on it (I suppose for people who don’t have a lot of light in their bathroom, or maybe for people who like to shower in the dark, but still want the ability to see while they shave without having to get in and out of the shower to flip the lights on and off). My bathroom is plenty bright, so I never really use the light, but in the last few days it has been going on and flickering randomly throughout the day and into the night (see pic below):

It is creeping me out.

Officially, I’m chalking this light phenomenon up to some sort of faulty wiring issue, but off the record, i’m positive that this is the work of a ghost.

It first started the other night, as I saw flashes of blue light coming from my bathroom while I was lying in bed. I got up to check things out, and discovered the LED light flickering on and off. At which point I immediately pulled the shower curtain closed, shut my bathroom door, got back into bed and pulled the covers over my head (pretty much the standard go to response for whenever monsters or ghosts are suspected in your immediate vicinity).

Over the course of the next several days, I have continued to witness this flickering and random turning on and off at various times throughout the day, and basically as I’ve already stated, the only thing that I can think of to explain it are ghosts.

Now I do believe that this is a friendly ghost(s), mostly because I’m still alive and unharmed, however I’m not sure if this ghost is trying to tell me something or if it’s just bored (I sent an email to CBS explaining the situation and I asked them to send Jennifer Love Hewitt to my apartment to check out my shower, so I’m hopeful that we will find out what’s going on here soon).

Unfortunately, I do not know Morse code, so I really can’t say if the lights are being used in any calculated manner or if it’s nothing more than random intervals of flashing (if anyone does know Morse code, please let me know, and I’ll be happy to send you a video the next time I see the lights flashing).

Anyways, in the event that things take a turn for the worse and the ghosts do get angry, I just wanted you all to know what was happening so that the necessary steps could be taken if need be.

I’ll keep you all posted, should anything change…

I’m now going to go see about getting in touch with Patricia Arquette.

Neighborhood Community Meeting Report:

Three words: it. was. glorious.

The neighborhood community meeting was everything that I had hoped for and more.

I arrived at approximately 6:55 and was immediately greeted by a polite woman named Donna who works for the traffic department in the city of Santa Monica. Donna gave me a copy of the evening’s agenda, a nametag, and a magnet.

I then proceeded into the meeting room where my eyes came to rest on a platter featuring an assortment of cookies, a vegetable tray with dip, and bottles of water (complete with City of Santa Monica labels).

After helping myself to some of the aforementioned goodies, I took a seat at one of the tables and struck up a conversation with two men (prob. late 40s-early 50s) named Daniel and Jim. Daniel was attending mostly for curiousity to see what sort of problems were affecting his neighbors, whereas Jim had a legitimate bone to pick. Jim lives on 32nd St, and apparently there is a car mechanic shop on the corner of 31st and Ocean Park that uses 31st and 32nd St as their own private drag strip to test drive the cars that come into the shop. This bothered Jim, and he felt that it was a safety concern that had to be addressed (in fact Jim was not the only person at the meeting who had this concern, an elderly fellow named Joe also did not like these car shop people — he was a lot more ornery than Jim and occassionally spit when he talked/yelled).

All in all I would guess that there were upwards of 50 - 70 people in attendence at the meeting (including police and traffic management employees). Here are some of the things that I learned:

1. The block of streets that were under discussion last night (again see previous post for recap) have a relatively low volume of traffic. They were monitored at 1500 cars per day. Usually residents don’t complain until there are 3000 (I suppose this means the people in my area of Santa Monica are particularly short-tempered when it comes to traffic concerns).

2. Trader Joe’s is basically the main source of traffic problems for the majority of the people at the meeting (I would guess no fewer than 70% of those in attendence had a concern either about or related to traffic problems created by Trader Joe’s, their parking lot, their loading and unloading zones, and the flow of traffic into and out of their lot.

3. Signs posted on private property are not enforceable (this again stems back to Trader Joe’s — as there is a no right turn sign at one exit of their lot that apparently people ignore, and residents were wondering why nobody is ever ticketed there. The reason is police have no legal jurisdiction over these areas, and the signs are not legally enforceable. So feel free to start ignoring these and other similarly posted signs).

Remember yesterday when I said that I was hopeful that a few crazy people might show up and start spouting crazy talk…well, god bless them, there was in fact two separate (and both highly entertaining) instances of crazy speak. Thankfully, I was prepared and as promised brought my voice recorder…

The first incident involved a man named Julius who came late and left immediately after asking his questions. Now, perhaps the transcript of Julius’s remarks won’t do justice to the spectacle that was Julius, so allow me to paint a picture. Julius was a charismatic African-American who when he spoke basically reminded me of Marc Morial (former mayor of New Orleans whose term in office was plagued with allegations of corruption, patronage, and cronyism. He is now president of the National Urban League). For those of you not familiar with Marc Morial, picture Al Sharpton, but not as charming or funny. So with that in mind (especially the sermonesque style of speaking) here is the exchange that occurred between Julius and Sgt. Marty Fine of the Santa Monica Police Department.

Julius:
My question is what can we do as residents to impact your efforts to stop the cars from doing that. For instance, now we have video cameras. If someone had a video camera and they were able to video the same car, every day doing the same thing. Can that video tape be used by law enforcement to get a hold of that person and stop them from doing that? That’s my question.

Sgt. Fine:
Not really, but if you have that information we can set up in that area and monitor the situation.

Julius:
Okay, well my follow up to that is, on the news yesterday they had a picture of Britney Spears with her baby on her lap. And somebody took just a still picture, not a video, and I don’t know if this was broadcast erroneously or not, but what they said was that if they can prove the car was moving they can give her a ticket. So I think we should look into that.

Sgt. Fine:
Right, well that was not a speeding violation, it was a car seat infraction. There’s really no way to estimate how fast a car is traveling by watching a video. You can’t do it. With the baby seat, it’s an obvious violation, and of course you would need some witness testimony to state whether the car was moving.

Julius:
Right, well the only thing I’m trying to say is we need to begin to thinking outside the box in order for all of us here to help you do what we want you to. Thank you very much.

At that point Julius looked around the room (almost as if he wanted us to think long and hard about what he had said) and then he turned and walked out of the meeting. Sgt. Fine waited a few seconds and then got back to talking about the numbers that the Police Dept. had gathered.

If nothing else had happened, this alone would have made my decision to attend more than worthwhile, but about 15 minutes later I got the icing on the cake.

Towards the end of the meeting we broke up into smaller groups (basically, each table was a group - about 15 people or so), and a member of the traffic management department came to sit with each group and listen to our individual concerns, as well as to facilitate a discussion on possible solutions.

Seated next to me at this time was a woman (40s) whose name I didn’t catch (but I think it was Danielle - her nametag was hard to see from my vantage point, but for the purposes of this account, this is how I shall refer to her). Now, the great thing about Danielle was that unlike Julius I had no idea that when she opened her mouth crazy talk was going to spew out (Julius was pretty easy to spot - from the moment he walked in, he just looked as if he was itching for a platform to speak, my guess is that he shows up to city council meetings too, apparently, there they have microphones and occassionally television cameras — don’t worry i’m already a step ahead of you and am looking into when the next one is being held).

Anyways, as we were going around the table discussing our individual concerns (this was when I found out just how passionately Joe felt about the whole mechanic shop issue), Danielle waited patiently until it was her turn to speak. Finally, she was asked to share her complaints about the traffic in the area, and this is what she said:

Danielle:
There’s a problem at night on Pico Blvd. Um. You know. We have Pico, you know – the whole Pico development thing has…you know…is pretty set in and rooted now…um, but the um, I don’t know, but the uh, I don’t know, parking lot is a problem at night, um, there’s some bars there now and they have shootings you know…a couple weeks ago, um…

Woman From Traffic Management:
What’s your complaint?

Danielle:
There’s people shooting guns!! They’re parking in the bank parking lot and um, they’re drinking…and gangs are starting to formulate. The Latinos. People who go to those bars…like on Wednesday…on some nights they have these specials, and it, um, it really brings in a rough crowd. They’re shooting.

Woman From Traffic Management:
Okay, well that’s not really a traffic problem.

Danielle:
It’s a safety problem!

Woman From Traffic Management:
Okay, well maybe you should speak with one of the officers and share your concerns with them.

Danielle:
Fine.

So there you have it…my report from the neighborhood community meeting on traffic in all its splendor. I will be keeping my eyes peeled for more meetings to attend in the future…and I invite all of you to attend a community meeting (whether it be for traffic or other concerns) in your neighborhood in the near future.

Because remember, conversations like those posted above are only funny if someone is around to hear it.

The Big Day

The big day has finally arrived. Tonight I will be attending my neighborhood community meeting to discuss traffic concerns. The excitement is palpable.

My brother thinks that there is no way that the meeting will be anything but a disappointment. He believes that in general there’s no way attending a community meeting on traffic could be anything but a waste of time, let alone the fact that for some reason I’m so excited to attend. This the precise recipe for a huge letdown, he says.

And yet I’m optimistic.

I told him, he has never been to a neighborhood community meeting before so he has no idea as to what might go on. For that matter nobody I know has ever been to a neighborhood community meeting before, so really I’m being a pioneer here.

I’m Edmund Hillary.

There’s no telling who might be there and what might happen. We have no idea.

The way I see it there exists four distinct, albeit vastly different possibilities for the kinds of people who might be in attendence.

a) normal people who are directly affected by the issue at hand (i.e. traffic problems between the previously mentioned streets of discussion — see previous post “Neighborhood Community Meeting” for details)

b) old people who have nothing better to do and are also in search of free coffee, pastries, and donuts (of which I’m hopeful this meeting will have).

c) lunatics who seek and make use of any opportunity available to express their crazy opinions (these people may or may not be old).

d) me

And it is in this third group that I am resting most of my hopes. Because really, all I need is for just one of these people to show up and be given the opportunity to speak to ensure my attendence was worthwhile.

I’m crossing my fingers…

A little over an hour to go…my digital voice recorder is ready to capture the glorious details word for word…

By tomorrow you will all know what happens.

Stay tuned…

The Ants In My Bathroom

There are ants in my bathroom. I find this odd. Not the ants themselves, but the fact that they keep appearing in my bathroom.

There are no ants in my kitchen.

And there is no food in my bathroom…but still they come.

I’ve sprayed raid in my bathroom several times over the course of my occupancy in this apartment, and the ants disappear for a stretch, but then eventually they return.

What about my bathroom continues to attract the ants? My bathroom is just about the furthest point in the apartment from the doors and windows so how do the ants manage to get into my bathroom from outside?

Is there something in my bathroom that is more appealling to the ants than food? Perhaps these ants like Shampoo. Perhaps they like the smell of cleaning products. Perhaps these ants are retarded.

I have retarded ants in my bathroom.

Sometimes when I’m in my bathroom and see some of the retarded ants I stop whatever I’m doing and watch them as they crawl around the tile with seemingly no direction or purpose. Occassionally two or more of the ants come together for a few moments before heading off again in a new direction. Are they communicating? If they are communicating I wonder if their aimless wandering could be explained by the things they say. In my head their conversation goes like this:

Ant 1: Where’s the food?
Ant 2: I have no idea, keep looking.
Ant 3: I told you we should have taken a left.

And that’s about the time when I use some kleenex and flush the ants down the toilet, and then spray the floor again with raid.

Stupid retarded ants.

Super Crack

So…how bout that Superbowl? All in all it was a pretty poor affair from top to bottom, one of the worst games I’ve seen in a while, horrible officiating, and in my opinion the commercials (the most important part) were really quite weak. Ah well, at least I got to engage in some serious gluttony for the day (my third favorite sin behind sloth and lust).

As for today, I just finished watching this evening’s episode of 24. For those of you who do not watch 24, the best way I can describe it is, it’s the closest thing to crack on television (or so I imagine — I’ve never actually used crack so I can’t be certain). From the moment I hear that clock begin ticking, up until the moment the episode ends, my entire body (and mind) is transfixed by watching Keifer Sutherland chase terrorists, and as soon as it’s over I want more.

Every season has been the same in terms of this response…

However, this year one thing has changed.

Me.

The show takes place (for the most part) in Los Angeles, which means Los Angeles is where the terrorist threat(s) usually occur. And now that I am a resident of LA, I can’t help but feel even more concern, a more vested interest, in seeing Jack Bauer come to the rescue once again.

If the terrorists release nerve gas, I could be affected.

If there is a nuclear explosion, I’m the one who’s going to die…

In this sense — the show is almost like super crack now…and this has led me to a new theory:

Any show that takes place in the city you live instantly gets exponentially better (the percentage directly related to how important the story of the show correlates to the location). By this I mean since the danger in 24 affects LA and the greater Los Angeles area directly, living in LA improves 24 more than say living in Chicago improves ER (notable exceptions would be when ER does an episode where there may or may not be a smallpox plague in Chicago and stuff like that).

This theory has led to a new goal for my life.

I want the ability to be able to have a residence and the means to transport myself to every city that the television shows that I watch take place in on that day.

So, at current that would mean I would be in LA for Monday and Tuesday (24 and The Shield), on Wednesday I could go to Hawaii (where Lost is filmed), but I think that doesn’t work as well as say going to the Florida Keys for Invasion. Then On Thursday it would be off to any one of the following: Chicago (ER), Scranton, PA (The Office), somewhere in the OC (for The OC), and I’m not really sure where My Name Is Earl takes place?

However, I would also need somewhere in NJ for the Sopranos (although since my parents still live there I suppose I could just go home), a place in NYC for Rescue Me, somewhere in Deadwood, SD (for Deadwood), and a place in D.C. for the West Wing (though that’s ending, so maybe I would just rent).

Hopefully by the time I’m able to put said plan into action, some of these television shows are still on the air (unlikely - but i’m sure new one’s will pop up that equate). I think the biggest problem in my plan is the transportation issues…that is why I am taking this opportunity to once again implore the federal government and other non-government scientists to speed up production on the kind of Star Trek transport system that will make my dream possible.

Thank you.

Sorry To Disappoint

Unfortunately there will be no blog entry for the evening…other than this one, which is only being used to state that there will be no blog entry.

It’s kinda like that painting “Ceci n’est pas une pipe.”

The reason behind there being no blog entry is that it’s already late and I have a lot of television to watch before the night is over (My Name Is Earl, The Office, O.C., and E.R.), which although I have Tivo’d (Moxi’d to be precise, but I think everyone is just saying Tivo’d these days regardless of what kind of DVR they have - like kleenex) I still want to watch everything this evening as if I don’t then I’ll start to fall behind on my television watching schedule (also, since there was no new television on last night I’m jonesing - don’t judge me).

Anyways, the reason it’s late and I haven’t started watching yet is because I’ve been out and about taking some photographs, so keep posted as in the next few days I’ll have my first official batch of LA photos posted (it only took me about 6 months to find some time to get out and shoot some things).

Okay…this non post is now finished…

until tomorrow…television here I come (feel free to sing this last line to Phantom Planet’s melody).

Neighborhood Community Meeting

Exciting news. Today in the mail I received notice of an upcoming neighborhood community meeting to be held one week from tonight (next Wednesday 2/8) at the Thelma Terry Center (2200 Virginia Avenue) from 7:00 to 8:30pm. The notice reads:

Join your neighbors and the City of Santa Monica to discuss traffic concerns on the following streets in your neighborhood:

-32nd, 33rd and 34th Streets between Pico and Ocean Park Boulevards, and
-Pearl Street between 32nd Street and Centinela Avenue.

Residents of your (my) neighborhood have expressed concern about unsafe travel on streets to the City of Santa Monica. Please attend the meeting to:

-Share your ideas and concerns with your neighbors and City staff,
-Meet Fire, Police and Transportation Management Staff,
-Hear about volume and speed traffic data about on your neighborhood streets,
-Learn about the City of Santa Monica’s neighborhood traffic policies, and
-Discuss what can be done to make neighborhood streets safer.

I have decided that I will be attending said meeting. I’ve never been to a community meeting before, and I think that it could really be very exciting (I wonder if they’ll have coffee and maybe some pastries or something?), as well as highly informative (not to mention the obvious potential for serious comedy that is present whenever a group of people get together to discuss stuff - especially traffic concerns).

I invite anyone who will be in the area to join me there (presumably if you live in the area you are already well aware of this meeting, because you probably got one of these notices in the mail as well).

I promise to report back to all of you the details of the meeting (I will probably bring my voice recorder to get it all on tape), and please for those of you who cannot attend feel free to let me know if you have any concerns or ideas that you would like me to express on your behalf, I’d be more than willing.

Well, there you have it…the coutdown begins…