Ten Ways To Tell If Your Neighbor Worships Satan

This was the headline of an article in last week’s (1/23) edition of the Weekly World News. Seeing as how many of you probably don’t read the WWN as extensively and thoroughly as I do (though if you don’t you are missing out on a lot of really good stuff - see this and the article i mentioned last week about cock fighting in hot air balloons to avoid U.S. legal jursidiction), you might have missed it, but seeing as how this article could be essential to saving your life or the life of someone you know I felt it imperative to share it with you.

According to WWN, researcher Dr. James Phillips, a British experct in the occult, has determined that chances are 1 out of 10 that the person next door is a Satanist.

“Satanism is everywhere.” says Dr. Phillips.

Dr. Phillips’ estimate indicates that as many as 25 million Americans are worshipping Satan, which means that most of us come into contact with these Satanists on a daily basis without ever realizing it.

The good news is that now, thanks to Dr. Phillips and the WWN, we (ordinary God-fearing folks, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Scientologists, Agnostics, Atheists, and other denominations of non-Satanists) can now better identify these monsters and therefore avoid them and better protect ourselves from them.

Here are the signs to look out for:

1. They come and go at odd hours, especially late at night and just before dawn.
2. They never attend church or celebrate religious holidays.
3. They often have no visible means of support, yet live well.
4. They carry strange bags and bundles, never revealing the contents.
5. They rarely laugh, or laugh under the wrong circumstances - e.g. when a child is hit by a car.
6. They are often openly interested in magic tricks or the occult.
7. They may cause instinctual fear in children or animals.
8. They are not afraid of blood - in fact, they seem attracted by it.
9. They collect weird things, such as animal skeletons or fingernail clippings.
10. They tend to dress warmly even in hot weather, as if they constantly feel chilled.

There you have it…and although the WWN does not offer any advice on the subject, I think it is probably best that if you spot a Satanist you call the authorities immediately.

Because the only difference between a Satanist and a Terrorist are the words Satan and Terror (and really how big of a difference is that?).

Goodnight everyone…and be safe.

Some Things I Found Out Today

If you toss a coin in the air, it is actually more likely to land on tails (i.e. tails side up). This is because the heads side is heavier (albeit slightly, due to the raised material usually used to make the Presidents’ head), so it ends up on the bottom slightly more often (perhaps this is why professional athletes as well as others tend to choose tails on occassions when a coin flip is necessary - perhaps something to keep in mind this coming Sunday).

In Iceland, Domino’s Pizza once had reindeer sausage pie on the menu (and yes, reportedly reindeer does taste like chicken, only chewier).

Osmium is the heaviest metal on Earth (that we know of).

A typical wink is one-fortieth of a second.

and

The mackerel must swim constantly to live (upon learning this I decided that the mackerel might very well be the most tragic animal that I know of, and that if reincarnation exists people who come back as mackerels probably had sloth as their sin in a previous life).

Here is a picture of two dead mackerels (I’m not sure if they stopped swimming or if someone just caught them).

I also found out that membership at my gym has increased by 22% since the beginning of the year (I suppose this is good for the people who own my gym - however I’m hoping that the new years resolution exercise folk go back to being lazy soon, cause trying to find a parking spot in the lot is getting ridiculous - although they are expanding the lot, and I was told that the expansion should be completed within the next month and a half - which is probably around when people will stop showing up every day to the gym)

Fear Of Public Restrooms

As some of you know I have a fear of public restrooms. I do my best to avoid them whenever I can. Some people think that such a fear is unfounded and that I’m just being neurotic. Now while I would certainly not debate the existence of my neurosis, I do think that my concern regarding public restrooms is definitely valid, allow me to explain.

Public restrooms are a known breeding ground for many unpleasant things like E. Coli, Hepatitis A, and other forms of bacteria that really won’t do anything for you that could remotely be considered good. From the moment you enter to the time you leave you are exposing yourself to all of these germs (they basically just float about in the air – studies show that unless toilets are flushed with the lid down, bacteria particles escape into the air and remain there for upwards of two hours). Not only that, but if you actually touch anything – which it is hard not to – then you are coming into direct contact with these germs.

I try not to think about the quality of the air, but what I cannot avoid thinking about is the touching of stuff in restrooms. This is why I usually carry portable disinfectant lotion with me wherever I go (it is in my opinion the greatest invention of the last 25 years or so – actually lately I’ve amended this claim to it being tied for the greatest invention of the last 25 years, along with the Ipod).

The touching of things is where most of my phobia problems occur. Unless a bathroom is completely 100% automated (toilets, faucets, towels/hot air, and doors) there’s no way to, without a lot of difficulty and good timing, escape the bathroom without rendering yourself susceptible to all of these germs.

Here’s how it works. Okay, first problem up is using the actual toilet. The urinals in general I just walk away from no questions asked. In the extremely rare and unfortunate circumstance that I have to use the stall my options are to either a) use my foot to flush or b) wrap my hand in toilet paper.

This brings us to the sink…where most of my issues lie. The faucets (unless fully automatic) are the second (behind doors – which I’ll get to) most useless and disease filled parts of a public restroom. After people wipe and/or flush the first thing they touch is the faucet thereby immediately transferring whatever bacteria is on their hands directly onto the surface of said faucet. They then proceed to wash their hands (presumably with soap, but often times they don’t) to rid themselves of these bacteria and other disease-causing organisms only to come full circle and put their hands back on the faucets in order to turn the water off. This basically renders all the washing previously done useless and an effort in futility as, guess what, your hands are now once again covered in bacteria and germs.

Then those germs are transferred and spread to the paper towel machine, so if by chance someone did decide to leave the water running after washing their hands (yes – I’ve done this when circumstances necessitate) they would still have no way of avoiding the germs on the paper towel holder when they went to dry their hands.

Unless both the faucets and the paper towel and/or hot air blowers were all automatic…these would be optimal conditions for a bathroom, but it still doesn’t solve the problem of the door.

Depending on what study you cite, anywhere between 20-65% of people do not wash their hands after using a public bathroom (not that I could say I really blame them – some of them probably are thinking like me). However, some of these people just don’t care, and they walk out of the bathroom without a care in the world, meanwhile as soon as they touch the door handle it becomes contaminated, loaded with all the bacteria and germs that I’m working so hard to avoid.

Now, this isn’t to say, exiting the bathroom cleanly is an impossible task, it’s just one that takes some careful planning or fortuitous timing. Basically, what it comes down to is either using the towels you used to dry your hands to also open the door before disposing of them in the garbage or even better timing your exit so that you can follow someone else out the door and therefore exit without touching the door, or worse case propping it open with your foot if need be to create the necessary space to get through.

In an ideal world there would be no doors for public restrooms, rather they would all have the walk around the corner kind of entrance that you find in airports and rest stops on the road. These are really the best public restrooms as usually they all employ the fully automated features that put me more at ease (flushing, faucets, soap dispensers, and air or towel).

But, really, this isn’t where most of the need for public restroom use occurs (usually for me it happens in bars and clubs where not only are people spreading germs but due to the level of inebriation that usually accompanies such establishments the rate in which people disregard good hygiene and proper washing habits tends to rise), and so this is why I carry the disinfectant lotion with me whenever I can. Depending on the degree of automation I will thoroughly wash and dry my hands and then leave (hopefully in one of the two aforementioned ways) and then once I get to wherever I’m headed I’ll just rub some of that disinfectant in for good measure.

Thereby rendering my hands nice and clean and bacteria free – that is of course until I go up to the bar and order a drink and have to hand the bartender some money and get change in return…as dirty as restrooms are, money is probably worse…think of how many different people handle a dollar bill and where it goes and how often it gets passed around…

But that is a topic for another day…

Have a good weekend everyone…keep it clean.

The Clipboard People Battle The Sex Offenders

Today was a rather uneventful day, the highlight so far has been grocery shopping at Whole Foods. One of the things you can count on when going to Whole Foods is being solicited for some cause by people with clipboards wanting you to sign your name and give money.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against good causes, and in fact I am usually (depending on said cause) willing to sign my name to a petition or what have you in order to support whatever is being talked about (today it was trying to extend the length of time in which sex offenders must have their names available on a registry for the public to see - something which i support, I am not now nor have I ever been pro sex offender).

What I won’t do is give money to people with clipboards. This is not because I don’t want to help, but rather it’s because I don’t really have a lot of disposable income.

One of the girls working the solicitation gig today asked me for a donation to which I politely replied sorry. She persisted to the point that I felt it necessary to explain that I do not have a lot of extra money lying around and therefore cannot afford to spend my money in this manner. I told her if it were up to me I’d give millions of dollars to combat the plague of sex offenders threatening our daily lives, but that as things stood I didn’t really have much beyond my John Hancock to offer her.

She then suggested that instead of spending some of my grocery money on food I give them some of it to fight the sex offenders.

I looked at her for about 30 seconds and then asked her if she was serious.

She said yes.

I then asked her if she makes the same suggestion to everyone who politely declines donating.

She said sometimes.

I then told her again that I was sorry, but that first off I was paying for my groceries with a credit card and second even if I had cash, it was going to pay for me to eat food.

She then looked at me and in all seriousness said…well you’ll be sorry if you find yourself living next to a sex offender and don’t know about it. She then said I hope you enjoy your food.

At that point I laughed and went inside…

But she is correct, I will be sorry if I live next to a sex offender and don’t know about it…because think of the potential goldmine of comedy that will go untapped if there’s a sex offender next door that I never know about.

As for my food…I’m betting that dinner is going to taste pretty good…I will now go find out.

New Features

Exciting times here at my blog. I have decided that today is the perfect day to introduce two new features that will now be appearing semi-regularly (probably monthly) for everyone to enjoy. These two new features join the already widely popular List Of Celebrities I Have Seen (now conveniently displayed in my sidebar) as the only reoccurring topics from my blog (unless/until I add more).

The first of these new features is called Picture Of The Month (this one will definitely appear once a month…hence the name). As you might have guessed (again based on the name), this feature will allow me the opportunity to share with you a picture that I feel is particularly deserving of special presentation for one reason or another (most likely because it makes me laugh). There will be no pre-determined set of criteria that I will adhere to in choosing said picture, however I will say that in order to obtain this honor the picture must be extremely impressive (or at the very least better than anything else that I’m deciding between for any particular month). I will accept submissions (original, found, photoshopped, doctored, etc. are all good) from any who wish for consideration of this award on a rolling basis, so whenever you get something good feel free to submit (that said, seeing as how it will only be a once a month feature, be patient if your submission doesn’t make it up right away).

And so now without further ado…ladies and gentleman I present to you the January 2006 Picture Of The Month:

The other feature that I am introducing is going to be a mailbag feature called Ask Alex in which (again you probably could guess) I will answer questions submitted to me via email (or friendster messaging). The topics and types of questions are limitless, so feel free to ask away. I will do my best to answer your questions to the best of my knowledge, and/or do the necessary research to find what you seek (and if all else fails, I’ll just make stuff up). This feature will appear whenever I feel there are enough good questions to sustain a post (hopefully monthly, but I suppose this one is more up to you than me). Seeing as how this is the first appearance of the feature I will answer some questions that people have asked me in the past few weeks that weren’t specifically intended for the Ask Alex forum, but are, in my opinion, appropriate nevertheless…here goes.

Q: Do you realize how annoying it is to get an email every time you update your blog? Dan - Los Angeles, CA.

A: No – because I don’t get an email every time I update my blog (this would be unnecessary as I’m well aware of it when it happens), and since I use AOL my computer doesn’t ding every time I get new mail. That said for those of you beginning to get annoyed by the email reminders that friendster sends every time I or anyone else updates their page all you have to do is go under settings and switch the receive email updates answer to no. Problem solved.

Q: Hey sexy my name is Jenny and I’m new in town. I wanted to know if you’d like to meet up for some fun? You can get my number at www.discreetencounters.com. Jenny – Los Angeles, CA.

A: Hi Jenny, welcome to Los Angeles, I hope you’re enjoying things so far. I’d love to meet up for some fun…I have a season pass to Disneyland and that’s always a good time, or I’d be up for some ice skating, lawn bowling, regular bowling, karaoke, or maybe driving into Compton to watch some street clowns crump. My schedule is pretty wide open so let me know what works for you. Forgive me if I don’t call you, but I’m trying to conserve my cell phone minutes this month (my off-peak limit is quickly approaching), but if you read this feel free to message me back and we can set things up.

Q: Is it true that it is impossible to flush a ping-pong ball down the toilet? Matt – Miami, FL.

A: No, this is just a rumor. I had heard it myself at one time, so I bought a pack of ping-pong balls to test it out. I tried 4 different toilet bowls to account for any variables between the force of the flush, and all 4 toilets succeeded in flushing the ball down.

Q: Is it true that if you put a grape in the microwave it will explode? Matt – Miami, FL

A: Yes, this one is true (they are also a pain to clean up).

Okay…there you have it, the first edition of Ask Alex along with the Jan. 2006 Picture Of The Month (I will be posting the picture under my photos as well to allow people to get a better look and so that you may grab it if you wish) . I hope you enjoyed. Remember, February is right around the corner so feel free to get started on submitting pictures and questions, otherwise have a good night.

Full House - The Rise And Fall Of

It has been brought to my attention that Jodie Sweetin (you might remember her as Stephanie Tanner, the sassy and at times annoying middle sister from Full House) has recently completed a 60 day stint in rehab for a crystal meth addiction. Now, while there is nothing particularly funny about a person with a crystal meth habit (even one which reportedly led to the depletion of over $200,000 in just over six months – which, although I don’t know the going rate for crystal meth, one would assume must equal a whole lot of crank), there is something funny, albeit in a dark way, in assessing the post-Full House lives of the actors and actresses of the show.

In fact, one could make an argument that in light of these recent developments the Full House gang has supplanted the group from Different Strokes as the clan who has suffered the biggest fall from success over the years (it’s definitely close, but seeing as how there’s more people from FH, I think this gives them the slight edge…at least for now, there’s no telling when Gary Coleman will do something else to swing the balance of power back the Different Strokes way).

Here’s how it breaks down:

Bob Saget (Danny Tanner) – currently in the best shape (career wise) of anyone from the show (which in and of itself is a very strong testament to how bad it’s gotten for the group). His appearance in last year’s highly acclaimed documentary The Aristocrats (and a guest spot on Entourage) helped him to once and for all shed the nice guy image of his previous work on the House and America’s Funniest Home Videos. He is now in the middle of post-production on a satire of March Of The Penguins, entitled Farce Of The Penguins, which will include, according to Bob, “footage of penguins fucking.” He also narrates the CBS smash hit How I Met Your Mother.

John Stamos (Uncle Jessie) – the man whose greatest success in the years following FH was his marriage – which has subsequently ended – to Rebecca Romijn (no longer Stamos), is now in the midst of seeing his current television series (Jake In Progress) come to an end. After poor ratings, the show has been put on hiatus while executives determine whether or not to continue with the show. He did however have that stint when he was briefly associated with the post Brian Wilson Beach Boys as a drummer, and according to Wikipedia he was the winning bidder on an Ebay auction for the fourteen-foot-tall Disneyland sign which used to mark the entrance to the park (he paid $30,700 for it).

Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey) – first rose to fame with the Nickelodeon series Out Of Control where he began using his signature catch phrase “cut-it-out.” In the years that followed aside from the successful run on FH, he is probably best known for being the man rumored to be the inspiration for the Alanis Morissette hit single “You Outta Know.” Currently he can be seen on Fox’s Skating with Celebrities (coincidentally you can also tune in to this show if you are looking for Todd Bridges – aka Willis).

Mary Kate and Ashley Olson (Michelle Tanner) – really there’s nothing that needs to be said here, as these two have a well-documented post FH life (including the countdown clock that marked when they turned 18), which up until recently was going in a relatively smooth direction. Certainly as far as financial security is concerned, these two are in the best shape (that is assuming they don’t blow it all on coke the same way Jodie Sweetin did on meth – however, this is unlikely because unlike Jodie these two have hundreds of millions). Nevertheless, finances aside, it seems that these two are destined for the Paris Hilton career track, and by that I mean it seems they are not really going to be doing too much of note in the near future. While Ashley remains at NYU, Mary-Kate has recently left school to pursue other interests (no comment needed). Now that they have passed the point in which their films will still appeal to the demographic for which they were designed it appears as if their show biz careers are on hold (that is until one of them decides they want to be looked at as a grown-up actress and takes a “bold” and “daring” role to break the mold of how the public sees them. This is commonly referred to as pulling an Elizabeth Berkley…Mary-Kate I’m looking in your direction here).

Candace Cameron Bure (DJ Tanner) – now married to Canadian hockey star Valeri Bure (they met through an introduction provided by Dave Coulier), Candace spends the majority of her time trying to spread the word of God throughout the world. She has a fascinating website (www.candacecameronbure.net) where visitors can take a test to find out if they are – in the eyes of God – a good person. I apparently, according to Candace’s website am going to hell, that is unless I find Jesus Christ and recognize him as my savior.

So there you have it…granted I didn’t bring up Andrea Barber (Kimmy Gibbler) or Lori Loughlin (Rebecca), but suffice to say neither one of them is up to anything worth mentioning (unless you consider Andrea’s studying in England to get her Master’s of Women’s Studies at the University of York something of note).

In other news…last night I went out to a birthday dinner with my brother and my friend Dan to this burger/hipster bar in Santa Monica called Father’s Office. Inside dining and now the newest addition to my List of Celebrities I Have Seen, was 2 time Oscar winner Hilary Swank.

A Special Day

Today marks the first day of my 27th year, or in other words today is my birthday. The fact that today is my birthday means that I will hear (or have heard) from friends and family wishing me a happy day, receive a few presents, go out to eat for dinner, and take a few moments to reflect on the prior 26 years of my life (being that today is a Monday this list does not contain get drunk as something that will happen, however it should be noted that I did get drunk on Saturday for any who are curious).

Even though today is only the first day of my 27th year, the year itself brings with it a lot of expectations. Many people throughout the history of the world have accomplished amazing things in their 27th year (so far I’ve only managed to get coffee, update my car insurance, write for a few hours and watch some television…granted the year is not yet a day old).

For example:

At age 27

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. quit his job at General Electric to become a full-time writer.

Henry David Thoreau went off for two years to live alone in a cabin at Walden Pond.

Ernest Hemingway published his first novel, The Sun Also Rises.

Boston dentist William Morton pioneered modern anesthesiology after learning that inhalation of ether will cause a loss of consciousness.

and

Conceptual artist Piero Manzoni crapped in 90 small cans, which were then factory sealed and offered for sale at the price of gold.

This last one I find to be particularly impressive (for those who are interested in learning more about Piero Manzoni and his art visit www.pieromanzoni.org).

Seeing what these people have done in their 27th year, and knowing what others have done even before reaching the age of 27 (e.g. Orson Welles made Citizen Kane at 25, Joseph Smith founded the Mormon Church also at 25, and Napoloen conquered Italy at 26), has led me to think about what I have accomplished so far in my time on Earth. After thinking about it for the majority of the day here are the top ten things I came up with.

List Of The Top Ten Things I Have Accomplished By Day 1 of Year 27 (In No Particular Order):

1. Never killed anyone (though some might argue that this is not anything special, I think it is important to note and I do consider this an accomplishment, although I should also note that I consider the fact that Billy The Kid was charged with 12 murders by the age of 18 an accomplishment…you decide which is more impressive).

2. Received MFA in film production (getting my BA was an accomplishment also, just not as big…if this list went past 10 it would probably have made it…I do not, however, consider graduating from high school to be anything special).

3. Wrote and Directed an award winning short film.

4. Swam and won a medal in an international swim meet in Caracas, Venezuela (I was 10 at the time, but it still holds up).

5. Never (that I know of) impregnated anyone (again some might question the inclusion of this on the list, however, given that if I were married and had a child people would consider that an accomplishment, I felt it deserving enough to mention that I have not, which has so far been my intention, gotten anyone pregnant yet.

6. Drove cross country - twice (well, actually three times if you count it as drove from NJ to CA and back and then from FL to CA)

7. Got into and subsequently dropped out of law school (I’m actually more proud of the dropping out part).

8. Broke 200 for one game of bowling (it was 212 to be precise…I was on fire that night my next best score is a 187 neither of which I have approached in the last few years).

9. Started and maintained this blog (you see why the expectations are building for me to accomplish something else in the near future…though I’m proud to say that this blog since its inception has done the following things: helped combat morning sickness, helped alleviate boredom at work, provided motivation for several people from my past to get back in touch with me, given me something to do on a daily basis, and been the source of entertainment for at least 4 confirmed people).

10. Managed to make it to 27 and be relatively healthy with all my parts still intact (through several near death experiences, a few years of, at times, questionable choices, and the overall fragile nature of life itself, this has been far from a certainty).

So, there you have it…the highlights of my life…now, for all you history buffs, here are some other things of note that have happened on this day in history:

1570 - Earl of Moray, regent of Scotland, assassinated; civil war breaks out
1663 - King Louis XIV affirms covenant with Rÿnstaten
1849 - Patent granted for an envelope-making machine
1983 - The A-Team premieres
1984 - Hulk Hogan beat the Iron Sheik to become WWF champ

and here is a picture of one of Piero Manzoni’s shit cans…enjoy

My Trip To The Bookstore

Remember the other day when I said sometimes I leave my apartment and stuff happens…today was one of those days.

I headed out this morning to go to Barnes & Noble to pick up a few magazines and a book, something that took me an unnecessarily long amount of time due to the fact that the B&N closest to me is apparently no longer open (on the bright side a Landmark theater is coming in its place). But the fact that I spent over 2 hours to buy some reading material is not really the point of this post. What is the point of this post is what happened once I did finally get to the open B&N (near the 3rd St. Promenade).

As I entered the store I noticed a particularly strange looking Asian (I think he was Korean) gentleman standing on the second floor. What caught my attention was the fact that he was stretching (like to warm up, not to reach something) in a bookstore. I got on the escalator headed up (on my way to the fiction section) just as he stepped onto the opposite one headed down. As he was coming towards me I noticed that he was slightly disheveled, he was wearing sweatpants and a long sleeve t-shirt and had relatively long hair (which in and of itself was not grounds for suspicion, but given the course of events that occurred afterwards I feel it deserves mention now).

So, anyway, I watched him as he passed by me and continued onto the ground floor. He stepped off the escalator, and took two steps forward before stopping. At that point he looked around in both directions and then removed his shirt. Next, he screamed at the top of his lungs, “WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!” before turning and taking off full speed out the front door.

I watched for a few seconds as he ran out of view (he was moving relatively fast), before continuing on to get what I came for, and then heading home.

My Money's Worth

Disappointment is an inevitable part of life. This is a lesson that I have learned repeatedly over the years. However, it was never more clearly illustrated then one night during the first semester of my sophomore year when some of my fraternity brothers decided to hire a stripper to celebrate the birthday of another fraternity brother.

The evening began like most evenings did back then, hanging out in the dorms watching stolen cable on TV and playing Goldeneye on Nintendo 64. But soon word spread of the impending festivities in honor of (in order to respect people’s privacy I will not be using real names) Schwag’s birthday, and after some deliberation it was decided that going out over to South St. (where Schwag and a couple other fraternity members lived) to drink some beer and hang out was probably a slightly better option than continuing on the present course. So cars were retrieved and a bunch of us headed over to take part in the fun.

Upon arrival we were informed that one of Schwag’s friends had made arrangements to procure the services of not one but two absolutely gorgeous strippers to perform. This sounded good to all of us, so we headed inside, grabbed some beer, and began to wait.

Now, admittedly, ordering out for strippers is not something that has any standard amount of wait time (as opposed to say pizza or Chinese food) that allows you to determine whether or not your strippers are officially running late. However, suffice to say, after what must have been deemed a significant enough amount of time to arouse concern, a call was put in to the place of business from which the strippers were ordered to inquire about the delay. After a brief conversation, the guy (one of Schwag’s friends who was not in the fraternity) in charge of organizing the events assured us that everything was copacetic, and that the strippers were en route. More beers were passed out and the drinking and waiting resumed.

Soon, however, some began to become impatient, as the minutes continued to pass and the strippers had still not arrived. I don’t remember the exact amount of time, but I’ll guess that around 2 hours went by (after the initial call of inquiry) before people began to suspect something was definitely not right (a necessary piece of background information is that the town of Waltham, Massachusetts, where my alma mater is located, has liquor laws that prevent the selling of alcohol after 11pm). Due to the fairly large amount of people who had gathered and also due to these people’s ability to consume a large amount of alcohol in a short amount of time, we soon found ourselves sitting around the house with a quickly diminishing amount of beer and still no strippers, and being that it was now past 11pm there was seemingly very little that could be done about either.

Eventually a bunch of people decided to cut their losses and headed home. This was, I’d say, after waiting for around 3 hours with no end in sight. I, on the other hand, decided to stay. Not because I was that desperate to see the strippers (in fact, generally speaking, I really am not that big of a fan of in house strippers or for that matter strip clubs either…something about hanging out with my friends in the presence of naked women doesn’t really do too much for me…the same way I don’t really like to watch porn in large groups…unless the porn is of bloopers and outtakes which can be watched purely for entertainment purposes without any concern of awkwardness), but mostly because I figured I’d waited this long already and at that point it really had become more a matter of principle than anything else.

So, our numbers significantly reduced, we sat around and continued to wait…

Finally, a little after midnight (which coincidentally meant that it was no longer Schwag’s birthday) there was a knock at the front door. The door was opened and into the room walked two of the most hideous, disgusting, people you’ve ever seen (one of them was Black and one of them was Hispanic, which doesn't in and of itself make them hideous and disgusting, but clearly, it was not what a bunch of mostly Jewish boys were expecting), and it was clear that they were both very fucked up (in a high on crack, I’ve seen homeless people act like this sort of way). Oh, and the Hispanic one was missing teeth. Most people’s reactions were similar to the scene in American Psycho when Patrick Bateman says to the escort, “you’re not quite blond,” but times 1000 (or like the scene in Risky Business when the first escort, not Rebecca DeMornay, shows up). To top it off they were accompanied by a rather large, extremely intimidating bodyguard, whose gun holster was clearly visible beneath his jacket.

Once again, the guy Schwag knew said he’d take care of it, and so he, the bodyguard, and the strippers went outside to try and straighten everything out.

After a few minutes he returned with the following explanation. Apparently the strippers who were supposed to have been sent to us had been switched up with these strippers and had winded up at a different party (which looking back makes me really wonder how things went on their end). The proprietor of the business said that he would send the stripper’s back, but that it would take some time. After hearing this we all agreed that there was no way we were waiting any longer and that we were just going to leave and go home. There was one problem in all of this…the strippers at South St. were still expecting, nay demanding to get paid.

Things quickly dissolved into a very awkward situation, as two cracked out strippers, a gigantic gun-toting bodyguard, and a group comprised of mostly Jewish fraternity kids tried to find an agreeable solution to things. Well, as you might have guessed, the only agreeable solution to this situation was their solution, which was to pay them for “their time.” And so (in the only known instance ever of this occurring) a collection hat was passed around and money was collected so that the strippers would leave without ever removing one article of clothing.

At the time I probably was pissed off (especially given my already stated stance on strippers) that I had to spend money (which ended up being more than what I had been told to bring – seeing as how most of the people had already gone, the cost per person had significantly risen) to pay strippers to go away.

But, looking back…it might have been the greatest $30 I ever spent.

Something To Talk About

Recently a few people have asked me where do I come up with the topics for my blog posts, and also if I ever worry that I’ll run out of things to talk about. The answers to these questions (respectively) are nowhere in particular and no.

Allow me to elaborate.

The task of coming up with something to talk about in my (almost-daily) blog has so far been relatively simple. Seeing as how I only started the blog several weeks ago, there hasn’t been (as of yet) too much of a challenge coming up with things to say. My head is filled with lots and lots of strange pieces of information, any one of which could prove suitable for a blog topic if the need arose. For example, did you know that celery has negative calories? That is to say it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery then the celery has in it to begin with. There’s a blog topic right there. Or, did you know that the glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher? Another potential blog topic.

See how easy this is.

Sometimes I leave my apartment and stuff happens (sometimes I don’t even have to leave my apartment for stuff to happen, see yesterday’s post and the portion of Monday’s post about the suicidal cat). Whenever stuff does happen, once again I have more potential blog topics (for those of you wondering, the honking stopped after 14 minutes, and I have no idea, beyond my previously stated speculation, as to what caused the honking or how/why it eventually stopped).

In a pinch I can always post something that I have previously written that I think people might enjoy reading, or even something that they might not enjoy…either way it’s something to post.

Today (as you may have already noticed) I have decided to dedicate my blog post to answering the aforementioned questions of how I come up with topics for my blog and if I ever worry that I’ll run out of things to talk about. This in a sense was almost like a freebie, as the question itself generates the ability to provide not only an answer but an example as well.

As I’ve said (and as you are all well aware) this blog hasn’t been in existence for very long, so I don’t really consider all these posts to be that great an accomplishment. If say one year from now I’m still going steady, then perhaps I’ll have achieved something of note. However, I think the harder task is to keep all the posts interesting, so that my blog remains (hopefully) enjoyable to read throughout that time.

The other factor in the equation is the massive amounts of information I consume on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. As someone who spends the majority of their day on the computer, I have the ability to utilize the Internet to its fullest potential. By this I mean I can often take the time to research or discover uncommon facts or stories that most others never have the privilege of knowing, as opposed to just using it (the Internet) for email and porn (For example today I learned that a baby’s eyes do not produce tears until they are approximately 6-8 weeks old, and a man from England has recently changed his legal name to Zipardi Duda. The man, Anthony Duda, told local newspapers that 
he’d taken on the off-beat name to promote a charity for children in Tanzania that he had set up) Luckily, all of you know me (or you don’t know me, but nevertheless are here reading my blog), so you also get to reap the benefits of all my Internet use.

Also, I read a lot of magazines. Currently I have subscriptions to the following: Newsweek, Time, Entertainment Weekly, The New Yorker, Premiere, and American Cinematographer. I also regularly read: The Believer, Men’s Health, Details, GQ, Esquire, The Progressive, Mental Floss, The Atlantic, The Economist, Mother Jones, Mental Floss, Skeptic, McSweeney’s, and The Weekly World News (though admittedly this last one is more for entertainment value as opposed to an information source, however last week’s edition has an article about cockfighting matches being held in hot air balloons to avoid U.S. legal jurisdiction that is both entertaining and informative).

I figure that all this Internet use and magazine consumption (along with my already stated accumulated knowledge of strange stuff, pieces of fiction, and the occasional venture outside my apartment) should allow me to keep up the blogging for the foreseeable future without worrying too much about coming up with something interesting to say.

Though I suppose only time will tell…

Honk

There is a car outside whose horn has been honking continuously for the last 9 minutes. By honking I don’t mean the intermittent, impatient, I’m out here waiting for you, so hurry your ass up kind. I mean steady, non-stop, one long sustained honk.

I would go outside and investigate the source of said honking, however I’m relatively certain that the only thing I would find would be a dead person who’s head has fallen forward onto their horn. This is the only rational explanation that I can think of to account for such a prolonged occurrence of uninterrupted horn noise.

Really, there’s no other possible reason that could account for 9 straight minutes of this. Even if someone had fallen asleep in their car, surely the noise would have startled them to the point of waking. Unless perhaps they are deaf…okay, so there are two rational explanations I can come up with. Either someone is dead, or it’s a deaf person using their steering wheel for a pillow. Either way, it’s gone on for quite some time.

3 minutes ago someone nearby yelled, “shut the fuck up.” But nothing has changed.

I mean, think about it, if I was right, and I went outside and discovered a dead person in their car, could I really do anything to stop the noise? No. I mean I would certainly dial 911, but I definitely wouldn’t try to open the car up and move the person’s head. I watch CSI, I know that this would at best only cause problems for the forensic people and at worst cause problems for me. Yes, if the person was only deaf and asleep I could, in theory, wake them up, but the question persists, how? I can’t knock on their window, seeing as how they are deaf that surely wouldn’t do the trick. The only way I’d be able to wake them is to open the car and give them a shake…but this is a double edged sword kind of thing…cause I wouldn’t know if they were deaf or dead until that moment, and this brings me back to the whole CSI dilemma.

So, instead, I’ll sit here and wait…and hope that this honking stops.

This Past Weekend

This past weekend I ate at Roscoe’s House of Chicken ‘N’ Waffles for the first time. It was delicious. I went there with my brother, Jason, and my friend Dan (he’s the handsome fellow in the black and white photo wearing the bowtie and holding the pipe in the “my friends” section…sorry ladies, he’s taken). Dan informed me that he was getting annoyed with the fact that he received emails every time I update my blog (something which I suppose I do with some frequency). Hopefully, Dan is less annoyed with this post’s email because I am mentioning his name (anyone else who is beginning to get annoyed with all the blog update emails, feel free to let me know and I will, if it makes you feel any better, also mention your name).

This past weekend 20 year old Leyan Lo set a new world record for solving the Rubik’s Cube. His time of 11.13 seconds broke the previous record of 11.75 seconds set by Frenchman Jean Pons at the Dutch Open competition last year.

This past weekend it did not rain cats and dogs, but it did rain cat. While I was watching the Patriots vs. Broncos football game, a cat fell from the sky and landed outside my apartment. I did not see the cat fall, but I heard it land (it was surprisingly loud). Upon landing the cat began to meow loudly, this caused Socrates (my cat) to run around my apartment and start meowing at the back door, which subsequently led to more meowing from the cat outside. At first I was kind of afraid to go outside (mostly due to fear of other falling cats…in case some kind of Magnolia thing was going on but with cats not frogs), but once I got Socrates to calm down and put her into another room, I went outside to investigate. Turns out it was not in fact raining cats, but instead the cat from upstairs had jumped off the balcony, leading to her arrival 2 stories below. Shortly after I went outside the cat’s owner came down to retrieve her cat. She (the cat) seemed to be okay, and the owner apologized for any inconvenience. I told her that it was really no inconvenience for me, and that I was just glad her cat didn’t get hurt. However, I am now afraid that my neighbors have a suicidal cat. I’m contemplating warning anyone who might use my back door to be careful while leaving in case she (the cat) tries it again.

This past weekend citizens of Westerville, Ohio celebrated the lifting of an alcohol ban that had been in place for 131 years. Michael’s Pizza became the first establishment in Westerville’s uptown business district to legally serve a beer since 1875.

This past weekend I tried to go, also with Jason and Dan, to a hooka bar but it was closed, so we settled for some Irish coffee at a Pub nearby instead. If Dan drinks (I believe the number was) 6 more Irish Coffees at the Pub they will put a shamrock with his name on it up on the wall (I consider this accomplishment only slightly less impressive then finishing the Rubik’s Cube in 11.13 seconds).

This past weekend self-proclaimed vampire, Jonathon Sharkey, announced his candidacy for governor of Minnesota. He will be running on the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party Ticket.

This past weekend I watched the first part of this season’s premiere of 24. In less than one hour I will watch the conclusion. My weekly television schedule now looks like this: Sunday – West Wing, Family Guy; Monday – 24; Tuesday – The Shield; Wednesday – Lost, Invasion; Thursday – The O.C., My Name Is Earl, The Office, E.R. (I also watch Arrested Development but that’s too complicated to really label under a specific day since it usually was on, on Mondays, but apparently the last 4 episodes of the season (series?) are showing on Friday Feb 10.)

This past weekend Eminem remarried Kim.

That’s pretty much everything that happened this past weekend…

Tough Choices

I have a friend who is starting to lose his hair. Recently, while lamenting this development, he wondered aloud if women really did look unfavorably upon men who have gone bald. After listening to his concerns for several minutes, I suggested to him that he have his testicles removed. He told me that I was being insensitive to his plight, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. I explained to him, eunuchs are famously resistant to baldness. This is a fact. I told him if he really wanted to maintain a full head of hair, castration would do the trick (warning: while castration will stop hair loss, it does not help those already bald grow hair back). Of course, this would result in his having hair but no testicles, so I’m not really sure if this is a fair trade. Then again, seeing as how I’m not the one losing my hair, I suppose I’m not really the most qualified person to judge (for those who are interested, I’m pretty certain my friend is opting to keep his balls).

Anyway, this led to an expanded discussion of what kinds of things a person would be willing to give up in order to prevent the loss of something else (in this instance hair). For example, my friend would be willing to subtract 5 years off the end of his life if it would ensure that his remaining years could be spent with a full head of hair (I posed 5 as an arbitrary number rather than try and go through every number of years from 1 on, in order to determine the figurative line in the sand). He also would be willing to lose his front teeth (using the logic that false teeth are more convincing then wigs or transplants). He was not however willing to give up an arm, leg, hand, foot, finger, or toe (however, the decision to keep the toe was done so only after long and careful deliberation).

After a while this discussion segued into a more abstract conversation about which would you rather. That is to say, which would you rather be a paraplegic or be blind? A quadriplegic or be blind? Be deaf or be blind? Be deaf or quadriplegic? Be paraplegic or be deaf? We both agreed that we would rather be deaf over being either paraplegic or quadriplegic or blind. And we also agreed we would both rather be paraplegic than blind, however I chose being a quadriplegic over being blind and my friend went the opposite way (again this last one took some time to decide).

That was pretty much the end of the conversation, and coincidentally this is just about the end of this post. Feel free to weigh in on any of the choices offered above, I’d be curious to know where others stand (Disclaimer: this post and the aforementioned conversation were in no way meant to offend anyone who is blind, deaf, paraplegic, quadriplegic, bald, balding, a eunuch, missing teeth, or any limbs, or anyone else offended by blog posts or conversations about people who are paraplegic, quadriplegic, deaf, blind, bald, balding, eunuchs, or missing teeth, or any limbs). Have a nice weekend.

In Case I Should Ever Die Unexpectedly Without Having The Chance To Say Goodbye

To My Family and Friends - In Case I Should Ever Die Unexpectedly Without Having The Chance To Say Goodbye:

Dear Family and Friends,

If you have found and are reading this letter then, unfortunately, I am most likely dead. Believe me when I tell you no one is more upset by this news than me, as you are all well aware I was a big fan of being alive. For the composition of this letter, I will presume that I have died unexpectedly as chances are if I knew I was going to die then I would have said goodbye to you all in person, or at the very least over the phone. Fortunately, being the thoughtful individual that I am, I had the foresight to compose this letter in the event that such an occurrence might transpire. It’s always best to be prepared I like to say (or rather I used to say).

For your sake and mine I hope that my death was not too painful, although I suppose that pain is a highly subjective term when referring to the method in which one dies, as compared to hearing about the details of said death. So I suppose it might be better instead if I said hopefully it was something quick, like a major car accident or an airplane crash or even a gunshot to my heart or the base of my skull. Really anything that didn’t allow for too much suffering would be fine. As opposed to say a less than major but still severe car accident in which I was semi-conscious and trapped for some time while EMT’s and Firefighters struggled to free and save me, or even worse an incident in which I slipped and fell in the shower thereby breaking my neck and rendering me helpless while the bathtub filled with water causing me to ultimately drown. In the extremely unfortunate event that it was in fact one of these latter methods that led to my untimely demise, I hope that at the very least you can find comfort in the knowledge that I am now, seeing as how you are reading this, dead and therefore no longer suffering (unless the common assumptions about death and the ability to experience pain are not true, or if there is indeed a hell and for some reason I’ve managed to end up there. Let’s just assume that neither of these is the case, and I’ll just continue to proceed as if I’m either in Heaven (if this makes you feel better) or simply in the ground (more likely) but in no actual physical, mental, emotional, metaphysical, or existential pain. The alternative to this would probably make this letter much too difficult to consider let alone compose).

I guess I will start with the obvious and tell you how much you all meant to me and how much better and fulfilling you made my life while I was still alive. I love you all very much and though I can’t say I will miss you (again acting under the assumption that I have no current concept of the term), I can say that while writing this note I felt extremely fortunate to have known you all and to have shared so many wonderful things with you through the years. I’m sorry if my death has caused you some pain (of any of the aforementioned kinds), you know how much I hate hurting those I care about. I hope that you, knowing the type of person I was, will choose to spend the time you take thinking about me (how much is completely up to you, by no means should you feel obligated to take any at all) to remember the good times we had and keep in mind how if I were here and we were grieving over someone else I would have probably by now made at least several funny, albeit morbid, comments. In case anyone has in fact already made some funny, albeit morbid, comments and is receiving flak for it, I insist that you leave them alone and allow them to continue, and since I am dead and you are gathered here because of me, I ask that you respect my wishes on this matter. In fact, I will now pause to allow anyone who might have one of these comments available to deliver it at this time (suggestion, if it hasn’t already been said feel free to use “dibs on his porn”).

This brings me to my next topic, regarding my possessions. I would like for all of you who want, to be able to have something of mine to remember me by. Bro, set aside anything that you or Mom and Dad or other family members want, then do me a favor and oversee the distribution of the rest of my things to all of my friends. I guess the best way to do this is by chronological order (i.e. people who knew me longest get to choose first, and in the event of a tie or dispute go to reverse alphabetical order of the last name, meaning Z chooses ahead of A). If, by chance, someone chooses something that might hold some sentimental value to another friend who has yet to choose, please use your best discretion in arbitrating, but give preference to sentimentality.

My closest friends, I designate to you the responsibility of making sure no one I would disapprove of (I trust in your judgment to know whom I am referring to here) attends my funeral. You know from past experience how strongly I feel about false well wishers or in this case false grieving, and you know how I have had to on prior occasions use every ounce of restraint to not question the appearance of certain people at other such events. Hopefully, anyone who I might feel this way about would have enough good sense to know when he or she is not wanted. Then again, if some of these people had good sense to begin with, then perhaps they might not be unwanted at my funeral. They may however, if they really feel the need, send cards (in the event that this is being read at my funeral, and some of those people are in attendance please stop the service and ask them to leave, again I’ll wait).

To my brother and my friends, I am particularly sorry that I will not be there to share in all the wonderful moments that I am sure the future will hold. I wish for nothing but the best for all of you, and I know you will all be able to do and accomplish great things with your lives (at the very least more than I accomplished, seeing as how I really never had the chance to do much in the way of making a significant contribution to society. Never had a real/substantial job, never got married, never had any kids, never cured cancer, etc., not that I expect all of this from every one of you, any of the above two would be good, you can choose which two). I would love to say something here about how I’ll be looking down on you from Heaven as all these moments occur, but given my current belief (as of writing this letter) of there being no Heaven, I won’t. In the event that there is a Heaven, and the ability to look down on loved ones does exist, then I promise to make every attempt to be there during those times. However, to be honest, if there is a Heaven, and I am there, then it might be safe to assume that there are going to be a lot of amazing things to do and experience, as well as thousands of the greatest minds in history to interact with, so there might be a slight chance that I might miss some of these events from time to time. But, as long as you videotape all of them, then I’m sure I’ll be able to catch them during subsequent viewings. If any of you would like to name a child after me that would be nice, and it would probably serve as more motivation for me to be around for when events occurred involving that child (specifically for my brother, you’ve made me proud through the years, and I’m glad that you’re choosing to follow in my footsteps to chase your dream. Obviously, I will be at all the events in your future, regardless of other potential things to do, just do me a favor in planning such momentous events and try and avoid Sundays during football season, you know how much I like to watch the NFL, and if the opportunity exists than I plan on continuing to follow. Same deal for any of my other teams if they are in the playoffs, I will however be willing to miss regular season games of other sports).

And lastly, to my parents, Mom, Dad, I know that this must be an extremely tough time for the both of you. No parent should have to bury their child, and I am so sorry that this is now something that you are forced to experience on my behalf. Through the years we have had our differences, mostly regarding the direction I took with my life after college, even though I know you never wished for me anything but the best (I know you always thought that riding the rails did not qualify as life experience, but I suppose this is just one of those things that we’ll have to agree to disagree on). But, in recent years you have been very supportive of my choices (especially since I am no longer living like a hobo), and it was always a great comfort and extremely important for me to know that you were behind me, no matter what. I had always hoped to achieve the kind of success that would allow me to pay you back for all your hard years of work and support. I dreamed of buying you a house to retire to, and even a vineyard to call your own. Obviously none of this is now possible, however, what maybe possible is for you to take all of the money that you had been using to support me and to now apply it to one or both of the aforementioned things. Or, feel free to use the money for some other thing you have always wanted. It is, after all, your money.

Well, I guess that about sums it up, and covers everything I wanted to say. I suppose this will be the last you’ll ever hear from me, and once again trust me when I tell you that no one feels worse about this statement than I do. But let’s not dwell on all these sad things, rest assured I took every opportunity to ensure that every day that I did have was lived to the fullest (and for a solid portion of college in excess), and that looking back I don’t really have any regrets (aside from the obvious part of my life being cut tragically short), and I guess that’s really all anyone can ask for from their time in this world. Okay, I’m sure that where ever you have all gathered so that everyone can hear these remarks there must be plenty of food, so by all means feel free to go now and have some cake.

Love,
Me

The End Of An Era

The end was inevitable, and I knew it was only a matter of time until I had to say goodbye. Ever since hearing the news on November 4, 2005, when the Coca-Cola Company announced that Vanilla Coke and its diet counterpart would be phased out of production in North America, I counted down the days until my go-to-beverage for the last two + years (Diet Vanilla Coke) was gone. But none of this made things any easier for me today when I walked into the grocery store and for the first time in a long while saw shelves that no longer were stocking Diet Vanilla Coke.

Over the years there have been many beverages that have held the honor of being called my “beverage of choice,” however my time with Diet Vanilla Coke was particularly special. For years (including most of high school and much of college) Snapple Iced Tea held the crown, and who can forget my Gatorade phase, or the few months when I insisted on drinking nothing but chocolate milk. It wasn’t until moving to Miami in an effort to change my diet habits that I made the discovery and subsequent switch over to Diet Vanilla Coke. Both my father and brother have had kidney stones, and it was suggested to me that if I was not careful my future could hold the same. Of course, normally during the day, I drink mostly water, but with dinner I prefer something with a little more kick. Obviously a glass of wine is always nice, but wine is not really able to quench one’s thirst, and so my relationship with Diet Vanilla Coke was born. Diet Vanilla Coke was to me the perfect beverage. Zero calories, no sugar, but that wonderfully sweet taste of Vanilla without the normal bad aftertaste that regular Diet Coke contains. To be honest, I enjoyed Diet Vanilla Coke so much that our relationship would have probably been a life-long one had other forces not intervened.

But, alas, Diet Vanilla Coke is no more…yes, it has been intimated that perhaps in the future production might begin once again, but this is of little comfort to me now. The worst part of the whole thing is that I didn’t have the chance to really prepare for the loss. I did not expect to find the shelves bare today, and therefore I really did not pay attention last night as I consumed (what might forever be) the last can of Diet Vanilla Coke that was in my fridge. Sure, the beverage was enjoyed (it always was), but had I known that it was going to be my last I would have savored it, I would have taken the time to truly cherish every drop. Maybe, I would have even made a nice dinner (steak or something) so that Diet Vanilla Coke could have gone out in a manner fitting its great taste.

In the end, there was none of that, just some reheated curry chicken (not to say that this is a bad dish, but you know what I mean), and within a few minutes my Diet Vanilla Coke was gone. My sorrow is compounded by the fact that two nights ago, I spilled about ¼ of a can as I attempted to throw away some garbage with the same hand that was holding my drink. Obviously, at the time I really thought nothing of it (other than shit, I just washed this shirt), but now I lament this occurring and am left with the bitter taste of irony (instead of the glorious taste of Diet Vanilla Coke) stuck in my mouth.

Since I had no choice, I purchased the new Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke while shopping today, and can only hope that it satisfies me a fraction as much as what Diet Vanilla used to. But for now, please, a moment of silence, as we mourn the loss of an amazing beverage passed on to that great vending machine in the sky…Goodbye Diet Vanilla Coke, you will be missed.

Crazy Eddie

His prices are insane…

Do you remember Crazy Eddie, the electronics store? If not, once again I shall allow Wikipedia to refresh your memory:

Crazy Eddie was a consumer electronics chain which was primarily located in the Northeastern United States. It was started in the 1970s in Brooklyn, New York, by businessman Eddie Antar.

The chain became well-known for its television and radio commercials in which actor Jerry Carroll delivered his lines rapid-fire, proclaiming in a loud voice that “Crazy Eddie will beat any price you find”, always ending his sales pitch with the memorable tag-line “Crazy Eddie - His Prices Are In-saaane!”. The hyperactive TV spokesman became so identified with the company that many viewers assumed that he was the owner of the company, despite the fact that Crazy Eddie was always referred to in the third person.

In 1989 the chain suffered a major scandal when Eddie Antar and his family were accused (and eventually convicted) of “cooking the books” in order to skim money and inflate inventory. Antar was found to have sold used electronics as new, committed insurance fraud, faked inventory, and skimmed most of the cash payments to avoid taxes. Having taken the company public (the stock was soon worth hundreds of millions), Antar began selling his stock and the stock price began to collapse. The firm was bought in a hostile takeover by another company, but the buyers were quick to find that some $80 million in inventory did not exist. Antar fled to Israel using the name David Cohen, where he lived until 1994 when he was extradited back to the United States. He was subsequently sentenced to eight years in jail, ordered to pay over $150 million in fines and also owes more than a billion dollars from civil suits.

In 1999, the grandchildren of Eddie, Allen and Mitchell Antar revived the Crazy Eddie electronics chain with a store in Wayne, New Jersey, and as an online Internet venue. However, in 2004 Crazy Eddie went out of business again.

Do you remember now? Did you know that there is even a website tribute page devoted to Crazy Eddie (http://pocketcalculatorshow.com/crazyeddie/), check it out, it’s rather impressive. The reason I’m mentioning all this, is because today on TV I saw an add for a store here in Los Angeles, called Crazy Gideon’s (http://www.crazygideons.com/), and I swear to you that for a second I thought I was back in NJ circa 1985. But, then after listening for a few more seconds, I realized that Crazy Gideon had an extremely thick Russian accent and his tagline was slightly different.

“His prices are In-saaane” – Eddie
“If you don’t buy from me, then you crazy” – Gideon

Nevertheless, the similarities are striking. Both stores sell/sold wholesale electronics, and both stores have really low budget commercials with horrible production values (Eddie at least had the fact that his were made in the 80s and in NY/NJ going for him. I’m not sure what Gideon’s excuse is, unless it was done in an intentional ironic manner to purposely remind those familiar with Crazy Eddie of the fond nostalgia of the days gone by. If this is the case, well-done Crazy Gideon, perhaps you are not so crazy after all).

Anyways, I just wanted to bring that to your attention. I think sometime in the near future, I just might have to take a trip down to Crazy Gideon’s and see what’s what, but for now, time for dinner and then some new episodes of TV.

A Widgets A Wonderful Thing

“What’s a widget?” – Rodney Dangerfield Back To School

Widget is a general-purpose term, or placeholder name, for any unspecified device, including those that have not yet been invented. It is commonly used in textbooks and other examples where the identity of the product or function is irrelevant and could be distracting (Wikipedia).

However, for me, these days, Widget refers to the mini-applications that let you perform common tasks and provide you with fast access to information, courtesy of Apple Computer’s Dashboard program. The reason I bring this up is that I am currently waiting to leave my apartment to pick my brother up from the airport. However, before he got on the plane (earlier this afternoon) he called to tell me that his flight was delayed.

In previous years (or for those of you who don’t have a Mac) this would mean either guestimating his time of arrival based on the original departure time plus the length of delay to determine when to leave for the airport (usually resulting in one party having to wait an unnecessary amount of time as often these calculations are not very reliable) or calling the airline itself to get some kind of update (which given my well-documented predilection towards laziness is not something that I am inclined to do).

But now, thanks to my flight tracker widget, I can easily track Jason’s (my brother for those unaware) flight with a few simple clicks of my mouse (actually I have a laptop and use the pad, but you know what I mean). So, even though his flight is running (as of this moment…it updates regularly) 2 hours and 7 minutes late, I can leave my house at an appropriate time and ensure that neither of us has to wait (long…assuming traffic cooperates, but either way worst case scenario is he’ll be the one waiting and not me, and really that’s all I care about here, if I were the one arriving at the airport this would obviously change). So let me just say thank you Apple Computers, and thank you Flight Tracker Widget.

For those of you wondering what else can I do with my widgets? I will tell you, the answer is many, many great things. I have listed some of them below.

Some other great functions widgets provide include (but are not limited to…seriously there’s tons available to download):
-dictionary/thesaurus
-calculator
-weather forecast
-world clock
-stock tracker
-phone book access
-wikipedia access
-unit converter
-address book
-iTunes controls
-a random Family Guy quote generator
and
-foreign language translation to over 12 languages (English)
traduccion del idioma extranjero sobre a doce lenguajes (Spanish)
fremdspracheubersetzung zu uber zwolf sprachen (German)
traduction de langue etrangere a plus de douze languages (French)
vreemde taaltranlation aan meer dan twaalf talen (Dutch)
tranlation da lingua extrangeira sobre a doze linguas (Portuguese)
traduzione di lingua straniera oltre a dodici linguaggi (Italian)

Most of the other languages have characters I can’t type. But if you needed to communicate with someone in that language you could just show them your computer screen (this is why it’s a good idea to carry your computer wherever you go, you never know when you might find yourself in one of — or talking to someone who speaks the language of — these character based countries). So, you see widgets really have something for everyone and more are being created every day (for a list of current widgets available visit www.apple.com/downloads/dashboard/). And now it is time for me to go back to staring at my computer screen, watching my brother’s flight approach.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur

Anything said in Latin sounds profound (that’s what this phrase translates to). I think it is safe to say that this is something that is true. Consider the phrase semper ubi sub ubi ubique, sounds pretty important doesn’t it, certainly sounds profound. It means, always wear underwear everywhere. Which, for the most part is good advice (in a pool, in the shower, pretty much anywhere in water would be places where this probably would not hold up), but even by the loosest standards does not come close to sounding profound when translated. However, if I had not translated the phrase for you (and assuming you do not speak Latin) then you might have just thought that I had said something really worthwhile of your time, something to seriously consider. See what I mean.

Another thing that I think is true (and also good advice) is to keep your toilet bowl clean, because you never know when you might have to throw up. If you do have to throw up, really, the last thing you want to do is to have to stick your head into a toilet bowl that is less then clean (this is similar to the don’t shit where you eat credo, albeit with a slight modification, but you get my drift). The thing about throwing up is that it is often unpredictable (unless you are bulimic, then it is planned). Yes, there are warning signs to indicate you might throw up, but unlike say going to the bathroom, once the need arises there is really quite little you can do to delay the process for very long. It’s reflexive. Same as the decision is as to where you will throw up. If you are really drunk or really sick, wherever you stand is usually the choice that gets made. But, much of the time you have enough control (about 10-30 sec. give or take) that allows you to dictate where you will be spending the next few uncomfortable (but always relieving) moments, and most often that choice is the toilet (most likely due to the facilitating properties of clean up and disposal that a toilet bowl offers, but also unfortunately where, even if you do choose to delay the process, you also go to relieve yourself of other things). What this time does not allow for is the opportunity to give the toilet a cleaning if needed before sticking your face in the bowl

Obviously, there are instances when the potential for throwing up increases, like if you are going to go out drinking on your birthday or some other occasion (or maybe you don’t need a reason to drink this much, either way you know what I mean). And if that’s the case, you could take the necessary steps of making sure the toilet is clean before you go out for the night. But, there will always be other times when you’ll never see it coming, and therefore would not have planned ahead (e.g. an unplanned night of drinking, food poisoning, a stomach virus, the accidental ingestion of mescaline, etc.). So, for those times especially, but really for it always being a good idea, please keep your toilet bowl clean. You might thank me for it one day.

List Of Celebrities I Have Seen

One of the things that people tend to ask me about now that I live in LA is what celebrities have I seen? I suppose this is a valid question if the sighting of celebrities is something that interests you. Personally, I prefer hearing/talking about people of interest who are not celebrities (e.g. the homeless guy near the 3rd St. Promenade who had the sign that read, “Family Killed By Ninjas, Need Money For Karate Lessons,” or the obviously somewhat well-off guy in his 40s-50s who stole a book of post it notes from the customer service desk at the Verizon store and stashed them in his man purse while (he thought) no one was looking). Nevertheless, I admit I do enjoy a good celebrity spotting from time to time. So, I have decided to keep track here on my blog and start a…

List Of Celebrities I Have Seen.

In order to do this, we must first establish or rather clarify two things. They are what or perhaps how exactly do we define celebrity, and what counts as “being seen.” The first of these two issues is probably the more difficult and arbitrary. My good friend Wikipedia states:

A celebrity is a person who is widely recognized in a society. The word stems from the Latin celebritas, itself from the adjective celeber meaning ‘famous, celebrated’. Fame is the major prerequisite for celebrity status, but not always sufficient. Indeed, as “infamy” (an equally well-known profile, but as a bad example; the antonym of fame) seems passing out of common English usage, even high-profile criminals may be considered to be famous, but they are not always celebrities, as this rather requires an active presence, at least in the media, while crime usually shuns publicity. Sometimes a game is played of pretending to loathe press attention, in itself only attracting even more, or keep them guessing so the press reports are repeated, according to the show business PR rule ‘the only bad publicity is no publicity’. Traditionally, even high-profile politicians are rarely described as celebrities, but in the era of television, some have had to become de facto celebrities. Today’s celebrities are largely media figures, especially from television and movies.

This all seems very comprehensive, if not entirely clear. So I suppose I must develop a litmus test of sorts, in order to determine who is worthy of inclusion on my list. I suppose the first thing that I will do is to eliminate criminals from consideration on my list (unless said criminals are/were famous for something other than the crime itself. Robert Blake, OJ, Michael Jackson, Phil Spector would therefore all be list eligible, while say Scott Peterson would not. And please let’s not get into a semantic discussion of the word criminal, because then we’ll be here for a while).

Next, as a rule I will state that politicians or news reporters cannot be included on this list, no matter if they would prefer to be celebrities instead of public servants (however, I will make exceptions for someone like Fred Thompson or Arnold or anyone else I might think of who could be just as (if not more) easily recognized for film/television work as he could be for being a former or current politician).
As a rule, I also will not include people whose sole claim to fame is the appearance on a reality-television program. Again, this protects people like the cast of The Surreal Life, while eliminating lots and lots of people who have done absolutely nothing of note other than appear on a reality-television program. This includes but is not limited to anyone from Survivor, Laguna Beach, Real World, Amazing Race, Fear Factor (but not Celebrity Fear Factor), The Bachelor, Meet Your New Mommy, etc. (on a side note let me say that just because any/all of these people will not be included on my celebrity list will not prevent them from receiving mention in other areas of my blog if a sighting of said individuals should occur).

Okay, next people from the sports world…this one’s kind of tricky. I think a legitimate argument could perhaps be made for and against including people from sports in this list, but in the end I’m going to side against. Seeing professional athletes (outside of paying a ticket to attend a ballgame) is definitely something noteworthy, but then we have to start another set of criteria in case I run into someone who may not be as well known say Brad Penny, P LA Dodgers, so there won’t be any debate as to whether or not he deserves inclusion, as opposed to say Kobe Bryant who there would probably be less debate over (although I suppose one might make an argument that given recent events Kobe might require an entirely different set of criteria all together). Either way, no athletes, so now it’s not a problem.

Then we have people in the music world, which is also somewhat of a grey area. Again, given my musical tastes as compared to someone else’s makes determining who is of note and who falls under the category of celebrity difficult to decide. So, I will say this, I will include people from the music world if they meet both of the following criteria 1) I think the majority of people would know/have listened to their music/and or could identify (but not necessarily name) them if they saw them (People like Bono, Eminem, Mick Jagger, and any member of Franz Ferdinand would all qualify) and 2) Were not on American Idol. This second one is again more about my dislike of reality television then it is a slight against any of the past winners from that show who are still selling records (albeit an ever-dwindling number). If say 10 years from now I spot Kelly Clarkson and she’s still successful then we’ll talk about amending the latter part of my music criteria. Generally speaking, I will apply the same criteria for people in films and television as I do for people in music, however I will probably be slightly more lenient for people who work in film and television, as again generally speaking, seeing as how this is LA, these will probably be the people I see the most of. And finally, there are those fringe people, the people who are famous for being famous and nothing else (like Paris Hilton for a while, she would not have gotten on for Simple Life, but her sex tape, House Of Wax, an appearance on the O.C., and upcoming film/TV work does qualify her as (shudder) an actress. Although presumably I would have put her on the list regardless of these other things just because everyone knows who she is, and with the exception of her sex tape aside, hardly anyone has seen her work). So, again fringe people will be dealt with on the same sort of case-by-case basis.

Good, now that we’ve got that settled (anyone in need of clarification feel free to ask, also feel free to submit names for litmus tests), I shall now define what it means to “be seen.” I guess really the simple way to decide what constitutes a celebrity sighting is to say they have to be in the same location as I am and visible with the naked eye. However, I am further limiting the concept of same location to mean within the range of physical contact. So, if I went to a Lakers game and saw Jack on the Jumbotron or even could see his seat from where I was sitting, neither of these would count. But if I went to the concession stand and he was in line getting a few beers and a hot dog, this would. Okay, everyone got it?

Then, without further ado, let me now present to you the (as of today) current

List Of Celebrities I Have Seen (and where I saw them):

1. Richard Kind (at the Italian festival in the Grove, eating a slice of pizza and talking on his cell phone)
2. Paul McCrane (in the lobby at the Arclight Theater, however, I can’t recall what I was there to see)
3. James Van Der Beek (two rows in front of me on my Jetblue flight from Burbank to JFK before Thanksgiving. He spent most of the flight flipping between ESPN classic and VH1)
4. Wayne Knight (in the lobby while I was at the Arclight Theater waiting to see King Kong)
5. Robert Forster (also at the Arclight lobby, after I saw Brokeback Mountain)
6. Adam Brody (about 10 rows behind me at the Arclight seeing Munich)
7. Rachel Bilson (ibid.)
8. Josh Schwartz (ibid.)

There you have it…stay tuned for more updates in the future.

Suppose

Today was the first day of 2006. It rained. I did not mind as this gave me ample justification to do absolutely nothing. Originally, I had planned to explore and take some photographs (I have yet to really go out and do much photographing of LA, something that I have been meaning to accomplish, and something that I promise to do soon), but really the idea of spending the day in and out of the rain did not provide the proper motivation to get up and go (although the sky would have been good for b&w’s). What I did do was watch a lot of television; I’m quite good at this. However, watching a lot of television does not necessarily provide for interesting blog posts, so instead I will use this opportunity to post a short piece I wrote not too long ago entitled, “Suppose.” Enjoy.

Suppose

Suppose your wife, 7 months pregnant, is rushed to the hospital in the middle of the afternoon. You, working, are called, and immediately drop everything in order to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. Suppose that upon your arrival a doctor comes to find you and tells you to sit down, the look on his face already revealing the severity of the words that are about to follow. Suppose he tells you that you have to make a choice, either they can save your wife or the unborn child. Who do you save?

Suppose further that he tells you that you do not have time to consider the question for very long, as the longer they wait the greater the likelihood that neither will be able to be saved. What then? Suppose you say to the doctor save your wife, and he does, but in saving her there are complications that prevent her from ever conceiving another child. Suppose that you could know that there would be these complications before you made your decision, and that there is nothing more in this world that you want than to be a father. Does this change anything? Suppose your only brother died when he was 19 and you were 16, and on that day your grandfather made you swear to him that you would have as many children as necessary until you had a son. This was because he, your grandfather, was the only one of 8 siblings to make it out of Europe before the Holocaust wiped out the rest of his family almost destroying your family’s name, and before he left his grandfather, your great-great grandfather, made him, your grandfather, swear the same. How bout now?

Suppose I were to tell you that there was a chance, lets say 50%, that if you decided to save your wife, eventually, after her recovery, she would leave you because the pain of seeing your face every day was too constant a reminder of the child that has been lost. Would this change your decision? Suppose the chance was greater, let’s say 85%. Would this have any affect? What if it was guaranteed, 100% certain she would leave you. Is this enough to change your mind? Suppose your wife didn’t leave you in that manner, but rather killed herself because the pain was too much to bare. Suppose in her suicide note she told you that if she had been given the choice she would have chosen the child, and now she can’t live with herself knowing that her life was spared only because her child was allowed to die. Try to imagine the unbelievable amount of pain and suffering this would bring you. Suppose you were able to know all this at the time.

Suppose, however, your wife didn’t kill herself, but she did leave you, and within 6 months was engaged to someone else. Would this change what you would say? Suppose you knew she had been cheating on you all along and planned to leave you as soon as the baby was born. What kind of impact would this have on your decision-making process, would this be enough to cause you to change your mind? Suppose that not only did you know that she was cheating, but that the paternity of the child could be questioned. Suppose you were relatively certain, no suppose that you were absolutely certain that the child was not yours. What then? Who do you save now?

I do not wish for you to ever find yourself in such a circumstance, in fact, I pray that you do not. I merely pose these questions for you to consider so that you may be prepared no matter what the future might hold. In the off chance that any of this should occur, it’s probably best if you have given it some thought.