Hairscut

i'm currently in the process of growing my hair out. i haven't decided yet how long i'm going to let it grow, but the longer i let it grow the curlier (read: jew fro) it gets, which i like.

once, from the fall of 2004 to the summer of 2005, i went about 9 months without a hairscut (yes, i say hairscut -- because i like to get more than one cut when i go, and both hair and hairs is the plural for hair, so i don't see why the word isn't or can't be hairscut). by the end my hair was pretty crazy. i probably won't let things get that out of hand this go around, but we'll see.

anyway, eventhough i'm growing my hair out i did go to the barber this morning. the reason being i wanted to get my neckline cleaned up and my sideburns trimmed/thinned out a bit as well.

normally for all my hairscutting needs i just go to Supercuts...this is because normally my hairscutting needs consist of a 2 on the sides and back, blended into a 3 up top with the electric razor.

today, however, i went to Floyd's 99 Barbershop.

it was an impromptu decision made while driving home from taking my brother to the airport this morning. i saw a sign advertising the burbank floyd's grand opening and decided to stop in.

now, before i proceed, i will say that the barber/stylist who cut my hair did a serviceable job (complete with shaving my neck line using a straight edge razor, which was very nice). not great, mostly because she was a bit keen to try to take off more than i wanted and i had to keep telling her to leave my hair alone, but for the most part it was fine (if i was keeping my hair short i would probably go back there next time i wanted a cut, but, seeing as how i'm not, i probably won't be visiting again anytime soon).

and now that those riveting details are out of the way, here's what made the trip worthwhile--

while cutting my hair the stylist asked me what i did for a living. i said i worked in the film industry. she then asked me if i knew anyone who was looking for any new reality tv programs. i told her i did not. at which point the conversation took a rather unexpected turn:

stylist: oh that's too bad. my cousin is crazy and she would be crazy on a reality tv show.

me: uh...

stylist: actually the show would have to be about her and her sister, my other cousin, who's retarted.

me: uh...

stylist: i'm serious yo, you have no idea the shit she does.

me: which one?

stylist: both of them. they're crazy.

me: i thought one of them was retarded.

stylist: i know right. just last night she didn't want to go to sleep so my cousin started hitting her and i was like, "don't hit her" and my cousin was like, "shut up she doesn't feel it, she's retarded" and i was like, "stupid, retarded people feel it when you hit them" and she was like, "how do you know what they feel, you're not retarded."

me: uh...

stylist: then she was like, let's see if she feels stuff and so she picked up a knife and she was gonna stab her or something and i was like, "girl, put that knife down" and she was like, "shut up, bitch" and then she chased my cousin around the house for like 10 minutes before finally giving up.

me: wow...

stylist: i know right, see i told you she should have her own reality show. wouldn't you watch that?

me: (long pause) yes?

stylist: yeah, i bet everyone would.

me: you know you could always videotape it and put it up on youtube or something and then maybe someone who is looking for a reality show might see it.

stylist: oh my god, i'm totally gonna videotape it.

and that's pretty much where the conversation and coincidentally the hairscut came to an end.

the bill for the cut was $14, i left her a $20...she had earned it.

and now i'm going to start searching youtube to see if anyone has uploaded any video in the last 12 hours featuring a retarded child being chased by her knife wielding sister.

stay tuned...

Flickr

seems i'm on a bit of a low light photography kick as of late.

A Cry For Help

this probably isn't real, but it's entertaining regardless.

Amputee Tattoos

today's amputee content features some, "when life gives you lemon, make lemonade" type living in the form of tattoos.

Does This Ad Make Sense?

a little less than a month ago when i decided to get back in the blogging game and moved my blog over to blogger (and what a wild ride it's been since then), i set up google's ad sense program in my layout.

i did this not because i was expecting to make any serious coin from all the hits, but because i was curious to see how it worked and i thought it would be an easy way to keep track of site traffic.

one of the unexpected but more enjoyable aspects of this decision has been watching the ads change based on the current content contained in my posts.

for example, at one point (after several marijuana related posts) all my ads were for marijuana dispensaries and other marijuana related services (services, i might add, i was more than happy to help promote/advertise).

currently, however, i'm a bit perplexed by some of the ads.

i have a few messenger bag related one's -- which i get, given all my recent talk of messenger bags (though i'm not sure what about my blog makes ad sense think that either i or the people who read my blog would be interested in a messenger bag with a chrome PBR buckle, but i digress).

i also have an add for safeway, an add for a jewish dating website, and (last but not least) an add for customary jewish caskets.

ok, now, ignoring for the moment the whole sesame street scenario (i.e. one of these things is not like the other), i'd like to know why ad sense determined there was a need for a customary jewish caskets ad on my blog?

again, i get why, given all my recent jew talk, there are ads for jewish products, but i don't understand why said jewish products extend to include caskets.

was it all that talk of murderous rampage i was spewing early last week when the power tools wouldn't stop waking me up? why not an add for power tools?

i guess it really doesn't matter, point is, i find the whole thing somewhat entertaining...and so, in the spirit of keeping myself entertained (which is one of the main reasons i do this whole thing), i thought it might be interesting to see if i could get the ads on my site to begin advertising amputee related products/services.

why amputees? why not? also, i just came across this story about lie yeung (pictured), 27, who was warned earlier this week after police in china stopped him for driving his motorcycle without any arms.

apparently, mr. yeung had fitted a specially modified handlebar to the bike that allowed him to steer with his body (pretty inventive if you ask me).

in fact, he had been driving that way (with the handlebar, not on a motorcycle...at least i assume) for years after he lost both arms when he was seven years old after touching a live electric cable with both hands.

which would be a little sad (a seven year old losing his arms) if not for the happy ending. for you see his parents decided to hand him over to a circus when he was 10 so that he could earn money as a trick cyclist, and (amputee or not) every little boy dreams of being handed over to the circus when they're 10 (tangential aside - it's obvious why china is gaining/passing the united states in so many categories, look how good their parenting skills are).

so anyway, in case you start wondering why the increase in amputee related content on the blog over the next few days, now you know.

Yet Another Innapropriate Commercial

this time for sprite (via germany)

There's Room For One More

i wish i was quicker at mental math, that way i'd have a better chance of figuring out whether the elevator full of really, really fat people was safe to ride or whether it was too close to the load limit.

also, in the same vein, i suppose that is one of those rare instances in life when experience working at an amusement park "guess your age/weight" station might prove to have some real world practical application.

Oh Kelly. Oh Kelly.

those that know me well know that when it comes to dating, i only have one unbreakable rule...never date someone with the same name.

the reason for this rule is simple: you'll never be sure whether they are calling out your name or their name in bed.

you could be making sweet, sweet love with the most narcissistic person on the planet and you'd never know.

there are other problems to be sure, though usually these problems affect other people more than they affect you (e.g. figuring out how to differentiate between the two of you when trying to tell a story about something you all did together, figuring out how to avoid falling into an abbott and costello routine when calling to speak with one of you on the phone, figuring out how to take the right urine sample from the fridge and avoiding the awkward mix up that results in a man being told he's pregnant when he gets drug tested for work-- what? sometimes you have to rely on friends for clean urine), but they all pale in comparison to the dirty talk conundrum, which is what ultimately causes these things to go bad.

you may think i'm kidding about all this, but i assure you that i'm not.

getting into a relationship with someone who has the same first name as you is getting into a relationship that is doomed to fail.

don't get me wrong, in the few times in my life i've born witness to a friend starting a relationship with someone with the same first name as them, i always offer the same wishes for happiness and an enjoyable life together that i would for any of my friends dating people with different first names. but when the end comes, and inevitably it always does, i am never surprised.

in fact, i thought by now most people had basically come to accept this tenet as a universal truth.

but, apparently, i was mistaken.

meet kelly hildebrandt...and his fiance kelly hildebrandt.

that's right. these kids aren't even married yet and they share not one, but two of the same names...which takes this into an entirely new degree of creepy (something not even a hyphen can fix).

and how did this storybook romance begin. of course, via the internet.

it seems kelly (girl) was searching facebook to see how many other kelly hildebrandts there were out there in the virtual world, and it turned out the answer was only one. (boy) kelly hildebrandt.

naturally she sent him a message, and the rest, as they say, is history...

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

well kelly and kelly, i wish you good luck and a lifetime of happiness together, but if (when) things go bad, don't say i didn't warn you and don't come crying to me.

Bow And Worship In Its Glory

oh my god. the holy grail...of chocolate.

Don't Try This At Home

if i've said it once, i've said it a thousand times. leave the belly dancing to trained professionals.

Shameless Self Promotion Alert

the bluecat screenplay competition semi-finalists were just announced, and one of my most recent scripts, "The End of August" made the list (top 1% of over 3200 submissions). go me.

but don't anyone worry about me getting a big head, as i'm about to go put in my brand new nightguard that is supposed to help cure my tmj...and really nothing brings you back down like wearing a nightguard (of course if it helps, i won't really give a shit).

I Hate Power Tools

the construction continues. we are now on day 2. if you would like to see what life has been like for me for the past 2 days, keep replaying the video below at full volume on a continuous loop from the hours of 8am - 5pm (you may stop for approx 45 min. for lunch).

at this rate, i really think there's a good chance that i end up going on a michael douglas "falling down" style rampage, killing the entire construction crew.

Your Tax Dollars Hard At Work

supreme court confirmation hearings. sonia sotomayor explains the dangers of nunchuks.

Flickr

I am now sharing my photos on Flickr. only a handful to start, but i will upload more in the days/weeks ahead.

An Orgasm A Day Keeps The Doctor Away...

so says the national health service of britain.

money quote (no pun intended): “health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. what about sex or masturbation twice a week?”

anyone interested in getting some cardio in later this week? i'm around.

The Day After, The Hitler Youth Brigade, And A Taste Of Bird

i'm sure there are those among you who have been waiting with baited breath to hear how the messenger bag field test went last night...well wait no longer, i'm happy to tell you my bag performed like a champion.

in fact, i would say that the bag perhaps even exceeded my expectations. sure, i took some flak for walking around with "a glorified purse," but the ratio of flak taken to comfort achieved wasn't even close (certainly not anywhere near close to the level it would have needed to be in order to make me rethink my decision).

although, at one point a couple of (really) drunk people in a car screamed "heil hitler" at me and my brother while we were walking home after getting some late night food at the 101, but i'm pretty certain this had nothing to do with my bag.

to be honest, i have no idea what the reason was behind their religious epithet. however, possible explanations include:

1. they were bigoted, racist, anti-semites. they did have shaved heads/crew cuts, but they were foreign, armenian or maybe turkish (i'm not sure whether that makes this explanation more or less likely).

2. they were really, really, really shitfaced (and, as everyone knows, anti-semitic slurs are much more acceptable when you are really, really, really shitfaced).

3. they were method actors, still in character from whatever white supremacist/aryan youth themed movie they were working on (in which case, i commend them on the dedication to their craft).

also, (and perhaps even more perplexing then the slurs themselves) i'm still not entirely certain how they determined that we were jewish. it's not as if i (or my brother) walk around wearing a yarmulke or any other yid gear that would instantly identify me (or him) as being of the jewish persuasion. however, possible explanations include:

1. even sans yarmulke, we (apparently) look jewish...or at least jewish enough to warrant a "heil hitler" thrown at us (though i'm fairly certain our horns were not exposed at the time).

2. i mistakenly wore my cardigan with the giant yellow star of david patch when i left the house last night (hate it when that happens).

3. i was shouting passages of my bar mitzvah torah portion out as i walked (i was also rather intoxicated so this shouldn't be immediately dismissed).

i suppose a combination of any/all of the above is possible. unfortunately, i didn't have the chance to ask them before they drove away, so i guess we'll just be left to wonder.

anyway, back to my bag. like i was saying, it was glorious, having it with me and having the ability to comfortably carry all the stuff i usually cram into my pockets really made a difference.
and i'm not talking about some theoretical difference. no, no, this is a difference you can actually see.

because i had my bag, i decided to bring my camera with me to the concert, something that i normally wouldn't have done, as it would have been just one more thing to carry/worry about losing. but seeing as how that was not a problem...

a treat for all you kids who couldn't make it out last night. here's andrew bird performing 'weather systems'

Dibs

If it hasn't already been done, I call dibs on "I'd rather be tweeting" bumper stickers.

Messenger Bag Continued

exciting times. tonight will be the first field test for my new messenger bag.

in just under 2 hours i'll be heading out to the greek theatre for an andrew bird concert, and i plan to do so with my pockets empty and my messenger bag full.

stay tuned for updates on how it performs.

A New Vagina Lifting World Record

this just in --

a russian woman has set a new world record in (what i imagine to be) the highly competitive sport of vagina lifting!

congratulations to Tatiata Kozhevnikova of Novosibirsk, aged 42. she has been in training for 15 years and has finally won the bragging rights after lifting a 14kg glass ball.

as you are all i'm sure aware, vagina lifting takes place by inserting a vagina ball into your vagina. this ball has a string attached to it with a little hook at the very end, you then fix a second ball onto this hook, and lift.

but there's more then just world records at stake. according to Tatiata, "it's enough to exercise your vagina five minutes a day, ladies, and in just one week you'll be able to give yourself and your man unforgettable pleasure in bed."

what are you waiting for ladies, start lifting!

Man Born With Two Penises Removes One

awkward thursday continues with the story of a man who recently had one of his two penises removed after his lover made him choose between her or the second penis.

apparently having two penises (penii?) is an actual (albeit extremely rare) medical condition called diphallus. There are about 100 such reported cases of diphallus around the world and it is known to occur among one in 5.5 million men.

to be honest i'm not sure why someone would want to throw away a perfectly good second penis, but maybe that's just me.

for photos google at your own risk.

Awkward Family Photos

so by now i'll assume you've all had the chance to check out the glory that is awkward family photos. but what you haven't had the chance yet to see is the photo that i will be submitting.

best matching outfits ever.

Greatest. Website. Ever.

awkward family photos

Prepare Yourself For Something Awkward...

once again, quite possibly the best 2 minutes and 7 seconds of your week. god bless the interwebs and affordable video cameras.

Awkward Thursday

I hereby decree today, thursday july 9th, 2009 to be awkward thursday, a day for celebrating all things awkward.

Messenger Bag

earlier today i bought a small-sized messenger bag (see photo: yes that's an eagle patch. it's awesome, i know).

i already own a large(r) messenger bag (sans patch), which i use to carry my laptop around in, and as a carry on bag when i travel.

the reason for the new bag is that lately i've found i've been walking around with way too much stuff in my pockets (notepad, pen, phone, ipod, camera, glasses, sunglasses, etc.), and to be honest, it's not very comfortable.

now i suppose i could just try to cut down on the number of things in my pockets, but most of the stuff i carry i tend to use on a (semi) regular basis.

in the past i've tried to use the large(r) bag for the carrying of said items, but it has so far proved ineffective in that i end up walking around with a (more than) half empty bag that is usually more nuisance then nuisance preventing (like when i try to take it to the movies or a concert and there's no where to comfortably put it other than on my lap).

so, basically, i was left with 2 options:

1. buy a man purse aka a murse -- the problem here is that i'm pretty sure i'm not fashion forward enough to pull that look off (also, i didn't want to have to worry about a multiple murse scenario wherein i start buying murses to go with the different kinds of outfits i am wearing. e.g. an evening murse for dressier occasions vs my every day murse for the casual man).

or

2. buy the smaller sized (11" x 9.5" x 3.5" for anyone wondering) messenger bag -- which, as you already know, is the option i went with.

but this is not really a story about my new messenger bag...no, this is a story about the store where the bag was purchased (and the other people shopping there at the time). for, you see, today when i went to buy my new messenger bag i did so at the army surplus store.

for those of you who have never been, the army surplus store is a wonderful place to shop (good selection, great prices, and some of the most interesting people you're liable to come across on any given day of your life).

basically, for every one person who is shopping at the store for a small sized messenger bag to hold his geek equipment in, there's (at least) one person who is shopping at the store for survival gear for when armageddon arrives.

today i was lucky enough to encounter 2 such people.

the first, an elderly gentleman, was busy stocking up on supplies (hunting knives, rope, water purification tablets, a gas mask, a geiger counter, and a machete). but he was kind enough to take a few minutes out of his day to explain to me that the key to post apocalyptic survival (if your lucky enough to survive the initial blasts and fallout) is an ample supply of potable water and the ability to defend any "sons-of-bitches" trying to "thieve" said supply.

he recommended always having at least one large duffel bag full of weapons in your home for the latter and at least one small duffel bag full of weapons safely stashed somewhere outside of your house in case you are either a) not home when the apocalypse comes or b)forced into a situation where you must retake your house from any post-apocalyptic squatters who have taken up residence while you were hunkered down somewhere else waiting for the fallout to pass.

the second, a younger man but just as squirrelly looking, was on a quest to find the fatigues that the special forces soldiers wore in transformers 2. yes, he had photos. unfortunately, for him, they did not have any fatigues in the store that were an exact match. fortunately, for me, i did get to hear his reasoning behind the quest for these fatigues and i quote, "no, they have to be an exact match, only then will people know i am serious enough to kill a robot."

i considered offering my opinion, that he seemed serious enough to kill a robot exactly how he was dressed right then (jeans, black boots, and a camo top), but in the end i decided that it was probably for the best to just keep my mouth shut. generally speaking, i find people who want others to know they are serious enough to kill robots are people best left alone.

and so, having paid for my bag, i left. my pockets now considerably less full, but my intentions to return to the store again in the near future (even if i don't need to buy anything) greatly increased.

The Plight Of The Porn Star Continues

"getting it on in one hardcore scene after another just isn't as much fun." -- Savanna Samson

looks like things just keep getting worse for our friends in the adult entertainment industry. coming on the heels of the news that an HIV scare was sweeping through the biz, comes this article from the ny times detailing the recent decrease in plot and dialogue from porn films.

the reason why. the internet.

"on the Internet, the average attention span is three to five minutes,” said Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment. “We have to cater to that.”

sigh.

don't you realize what's happening people? all of you who only use sites like youporn and redtube for your porn watching needs, you're killing the porn star.

sure you laugh now, but extrapolate for a moment. consider a future when being a porn star no longer requires anything other than the ability to give or take a dick on camera. is that really a future you want to live in?

i for one, do not.

i want my porn stars to be well rounded. i want them to not only be able to give or take a dick, i want them to do it with a winning personality (see: Jeremy, Ron and Lords, Traci). otherwise why have porn stars at all? we might as well start replacing porn stars with digital people (like in that al pacino movie, Simone). is that what you want? to watch digital people fuck?

no, i didn't think so. thankfully, there is still hope.

Wicked Pictures, which averages one production a week, still plans to make two to three bigger-budget releases each year, including the recently shot “2040,” which is about the pornography business of the future.

Mr. Steve Orenstein, president of Wicked pictures, described the movie as “an almost Romeo-and-Juliet story between an aging porn star and a cyborg.”

now that's smut i can get behind (figuratively speaking).

so please, next time you're gonna watch some porn, remember, your choice matters.

Knife Fight!

you loved him as cock-a-licious. now witness Imagine "the" Band

more innapropriate commercials

compliments of the good people of the netherlands.

Corey Feldman @ MJ's Memorial Service

i never know what to wear to these things either...

Weekend Recap

ye gods i am tired.

this weekend took quite the toll. so much so that i considered holding off on posting a recap of events until tomorrow, but i figured that decision might incite a riot in the blogosphere rivaled only by the post palin resignation announcement buzz from friday...speaking of which, have you watched her rambling speech yet? jesus man, i love me some good career self-immolation, but sarah took things to new levels with this one.

i've probably watched/listened to her speech about 10 times and i'm still undecided as to what my favorite part is. i mean, given that this was a speech about how she is resigning there's this passage which definitely gets the irony prize:

"Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and "go with the flow". Nah, only dead fish 'go with the flow'."

and then there's the award for best mixed metaphor --

"Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me - sports... basketball. I use it because you're naïve if you don't see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket... and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can WIN. And I'm doing that - keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities - smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it's time to pass the ball - for victory."

but i think if forced to choose i'd go with her final lines, as they seem to encapsulate best everything we've come to know and love about her...

"In the words of General MacArthur said, "We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction."

brilliant.

anyway...back to the weekend.

things started out on friday with a viewing of "the hurt locker." an excellent film that i highly recommend about a bomb disposal unit in iraq.

the party continued saturday morning as joey chestnut successfully defended his I.F.O.C.E. nathan's hot dog eating championship belt by eating 68 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes, 3 1/2 more than takeru kobayashi of japan, his arch-rival.

it was a glorious moment to kick off independence day and it brought tears to my eyes, as we are, as one commentator put it, "entering the golden age of competitive eating," and we are doing so with an american seated at the head of the table.

at this point the party shifted from watching other people eat and drink, to actively participating.

and as for what followed...well, i actually assign partial blame to joey chestnut for what followed, as it was his rousing and motivational performance that led me to begin consuming margaritas, eating bbq, and celebrating at a pace better left to the trained professional athletes of the competitive eating world.

suffice to say by about 6:30pm i was in bad, bad shape. like walking up to the edge of disaster, leaning over, and almost falling in, bad shape. basically, i was nascar drunk (maybe more).

but i managed to hang on (or in this case lie down for a few hours) and by around 11:30 or so I had recovered enough to eat some cake, and i think this would have made joey chestnut proud.

as for sunday, well most of the morning was spent recovering, but the evening was spent at the hollywood bowl for the death cab for cutie (w/ the la phil) concert. the new pornographers and tegan and sara opened.

all in all a very good show (although, i was a little upset that the new pornographers only played for 30 min. and death cab only played for about 75).

but nit picking aside, the finale of the show was death cab playing transatlanticism with the phil, culminating with a fireworks display. it was simply put, transcedent, and easily 9 of the best minutes of my concert going life...

The A-Hole Tastes Funny

commercial for the new biscuit holes at hardee's. god bless the ad company who came up with the spot.

Wildwood, NJ

ahh, memories from summers' past (and we wonder why nj gets a bad rap).

this is for anyone who grew up on or spent any significant time on the jersey shore (and by significant time, 2 hours is probably enough to count).

Where Babies Come From (In Germany)

hat tip to muppet legs for the link (be sure to click through all pages)

personally, i enjoyed learning that german doctors have (apparently) perfected a delivery method that requires no hands on involvement.

Caption Contest

there will be a prize. use the comments to submit your entry.

Ask A Mime?

after seeing the news yesterday that two more blogs, Texts From Last Night and Look At This Fucking Hipster, landed book deals at Penguin's Gotham Books imprint in the past week, i spent the past 24 hours considering whether this blog might have what it takes to score the next deal. sadly, the conclusion i reached was no, not yet at any rate.

but i did come up with an idea that i think is a bona fide winner and sure to one day land me a sweet six figure contract.

drum roll...prepare yourself for...coming soon...Ask A Mime!

the concept is simple really. basically the site will work just like the well known site Ask A Ninja, except all answers will be acted out by (me dressed as) a mime via video posts.

two words: gold mine. or falling short of that, at the very least i suppose it will be good cross training for next year's air sex championships.

Best Porn Scene Intro Ever?

you can imagine where it goes from here...

The Top Ten Grub Trucks In Los Angeles

after you've received (and probably used) your special delivery, here's some information that might come in handy...

a list of the top ten grub trucks in los angeles.

Craigslist Posting Of The Day

wanted: taxidermist who watches a lot of kung fu...

eBay Item Of The Day

my god. is there any part of the body that's not for sale to advertise on.

personally i'm waiting for someone to put ad space in their womb up for auction...then when they get pregnant, i'd have 9 uninterrupted months to create a loyal customer.

Special Delivery

one of the first things people say to me when i tell them i live in los angeles is, "you must love living in a state where weed is legal." i'm not sure whether this says more about me and the vibe i give off or the people i'm hanging out with at the time, but my response, typically, is "yes, it's glorious."

of course, even better then the fact that medical marijuana is legal, thanks to prop 215, is the fact that there are medical marijuana dispensaries scattered all over the city. in fact, depending on where you live, marijuana is probably no more then a 15 min drive away (even with LA traffic).

but, you ask, what if i don't own a car or what if (for whatever reason) i'm in no condition to drive? well, thanks to the nice folks at the Artists Collective it appears your problems are solved.

that's right kids, los angeles county now has their very own FREE medical marijuana delivery service (to clarify the delivery is free, not the marijuana).

of course, in order to qualify you'll need a valid, current recommendation from a medical doctor or a specialist licensed in California.

well you ask, how can i get this recommendation?

easy. first you're gonna need to be diagnosed as having ANY serious condition for which medical marijuana can provide relief (of which there are a remarkably wide spectrum, ranging from chronic pain, muscle spasticity, nausea and appetite loss to psychiatric conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and depression). see the pictured lists for over 250 possible conditions to choose from, i mean that medical marijuana might provide relief for.







next you're gonna have to visit a doctor to get a letter of recommendation for medical marijuana use to provide relief from the symptoms of said diagnosis.

okay, you say, so how do i find one of these doctors? won't that be difficult? hardly, thanks to the good folks at CA NORML. as they've been thoughtful enough to provide a list of medicinal cannabis practitioners for you to choose from.

now, diagnosis made and letter of recommendation in hand you're ready to...

Prepare Yourself For Something Amazing...

Quite possibly the best 2 minutes and 7 seconds of your week. God bless the interwebs and affordable video cameras.

eBay Item Of The Day

Looks like the recession continues to have long reaching ramifications.

Craigslist Posting Of The Day

Gassy Mistress Wanted For...

LA Weekly Write Up

looks like the LA weekly was on hand at the air sex championships. the competition is mentioned in the over the weekend blurb. and they also have a slideshow, as well as an air sex vs. air guitar comparison.

2009 Los Angeles Air Sex Championships Recap

i came, i saw, i air sexed, i air came.

put it in the books. the 2009 los angeles air sex championships are over.

by now most of you probably know that i ended up unexpectedly competing in the competition (and for those of you who didn't know, these pictures are probably quickly bringing you up to speed).

when i first learned of the air sex championships a couple of weeks ago, upon seeing a listing for the competition on the echoplex website, i instantly knew this was something that i wanted to be a part of, something that i wanted to experience live and in person (and after a brief search of youtube to watch some of the past performances, wanted, quickly changed to needed), but i never in a million years dreamed of competing.

so, you ask, how did it all happen? well, like most things in life, it started with the promise of free alcohol...

while waiting in line to get in, one of the organizers began making his plea to try and find some "walk-up" competitors, as they only had around 5 people who had signed up in advance (clearly not nearly enough to provide a full evening's worth of air sex entertainment -- not to mention not enough to maintain the integrity of the championships by providing a field of competitors large enough to ensure the los angeles crown, when won, would be fully earned).

as i heard him begin making his pitch, offering free drink tickets, free admission, plus the opportunity to become a legend, i began to contemplate. maybe i should compete. maybe i should go for the glory. i mean, how often does an opportunity like this come around? at best this was a chance to do something that could instantly alter the course of my life. a chance to start me down a path that would eventually lead to my travelling all over the world, living like a rock star, and representing los angeles as an air sex champion...and at worst it was something that might look good on my resume.

after a brief consultation with my friends, it was decided. i was in.

alex lerner was gonna air sex.

the announcement sent shockwaves through the crowd (and by crowd, i mean the 3 other people i was there with). i hadn't seen excitment like this in a really long time...arguably, perhaps, not since it was announced that daniel larusso was gonna fight in the finals at the all valley karate tournament.

immediately i started to focus. the first thing i had to do was decide on a name and pick a song to air sex to. i settled on captain jack hammer (w/ apologies to nick for any copywright infringement) as my air sex name, and chose "afternoon delight" for my song.

the second thing i had to do was to start drinking. heavily. i made my way to the bar and ordered 3 kamikaze shots and a beer. after throwing the shots back and chugging the beer it was on to the next step, ordering another beer and figuring out some sort of routine.

unfortunately, having decided to do this at the last minute, i was at a serious disadvantage next to some of my fellow air sex competitors, some of whom had arrived with costumes and props (including, but not limited to: condoms, silly string - to spray the audience with when they "finished," bedazzled underwear, a glue on pornstache, a gay porn magazine, and a steve urkel doll).

i began to scour the club (and the deep, dark recesses of my mind) for anything i could use...and there, in the far corner tucked away behind the merchandise table, i spotted a swivel chair, and a plan began to take shape.

i took the chair and made my way backstage to the holding area, where i met my fellow competitors. they had come from all over: from the westside, south bay, the valley, hollywood, los feliz, and downtown. they had names like cockalicious, mister amy, nine inch nailing, shanghai slammer, and brown town, and they were all ready to get their air sex on (or in the words of brown town ready to "grip it and rip it").

there was a real sense of camaraderie between us, an instant bond if you will, forged by what we were all about to do.

soon i struck up a conversation with a young lady whose nom de air sex was veronica feather. her dress was short, her speech was slurred and she had trouble standing, but who was i to judge. veronica quickly informed me that she was a) really nervous b) bi-sexual and c)going to air sex a threesome in which she would be air eating a chick out while she was getting air pounded from behind.

classy, i replied, and wished her luck.

but veronica wasn't done talking to me, as she then proceeded to drunkenly whisper into my ear (and by drunkenly whisper, i mean scream) that perhaps if i held her hand it might help calm her down. and so, being the gentleman that i am, i reached out and grasped her hand in mine and told her that everything was going to be fine.

at this point, ms. feather pulled me into the nearby hallway and asked if perhaps i might be willing to take her into the bathroom and "sex her for real." her theory being that having real sex would help her nerves and allow her to give the best possible air sex performance she could.

i politely declined, but again expressed my confidence that she would probably do just fine (or at the very least given her current state of inebriation, remember very little of it the next day).

she laughed, grabbed my crotch, and tried to shove her tongue down my throat. but in a classy kind of way.

again, i politely declined her advances (seeing as how i had no intention of coming home from an air sex competition with a real case of herpes), and luckily i was saved from having to deflect any further attempts on her part to maul me, as the competition was about to start...and lo and behold the emcee announced veronica feather was first to compete.

slowly, she stumbled her way onto the stage. the music began to play, the crowd began to cheer, and veronica feather began to air sex. the result was as expected.

afterward, veronica stumbled down off the stage and exited the backstage area to "get some air." she was never seen or heard from again.

but the competition continued and i'm pleased to say the air sex bar was raised higher and higher as the night wore on:

brown town
cockalicious
chubby the junk master
mister amy
shanghai slammer

soon my name was called and it was my turn to perform. the soothing sweet sounds of afternoon delight filled the room...

Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
gonna grab some afternoon delight

and i gave it my all.



unfortunately, my all was not quite good enough and i didn't make it to the finals (shanghai slammer was eventually crowned the la air sex champion). but i did have two nice (reasonably sober) young women come up to me later in the evening to tell me that i had delivered their favorite air sex performance of the evening, and that regardless of the official outcome, i was their air sex champion (hearing this warmed my heart).

and so i left the echoplex with my head held high, proud of what i had accomplished.

all things considered, given the circumstances (i.e. deciding to compete and putting a routine together at the last minute) i think i did quite well.

now it seems the question everyone wants to know is, do i have any regrets?

yeah. i have some regrets. i regret that i didn't win...

but next year the air sex championship is mine!

eBay Item Of The Day

advertise on a woman's pregnant belly

Craigslist Posting Of The Day

Willing to trade: A Cheeto that looks just like Michael Jackson...

death comes in 3's...

that's what people say.

and if people are to believed, then ed mcmahon, farrah fawcet, and michael jackson's recent passings fit the bill.

however, i'm here to tell you that there was another death today. my friendster account. as of 5:50pm today i am no longer a registered user of friendster.

this moment, i suppose, was a long time coming. like a person with terminal cancer, the dissolution of my friendster account wasn't a question of if...it was a question of when. i mean, between facebook and twitter all my social networking needs are pretty much covered, so today i decided to do the right thing by friendster and pull the plug (i do still have a myspace account for now -- but it just got moved to hospice and has a dnr).

don't shed any tears though, because in a lion king esque circle of life development a new blog is born. that's right kids. i'm relaunching my blog (i'll pause a moment so that you may wipe the tears of joy out of your eyes).


...


so, um, yeah, welcome to my new blog. as you can see all my old blog posts have been archived (for those of you who never had the pleasure of reading them you can thank me later, but you're welcome).

basically, the urge to blog has been an itch i've wanted to scratch a lot lately, but i think on some level i just couldn't bring myself to log back into friendster to post anything new. so instead i spent the last few days transferring everything here and...voila, i'm back.

i'm not going to make you any promises about the frequency with which i'm going to post this go around, but i think it's safe to say that we'll all sleep better at night knowing i am once again a contributing member of the blogiverse.

Invitation Of Transfer

occasionally i receive emails from people in faraway places telling me that they desperately need my help to recover the funds of a deposed general, or a rich prince, etc. usually, i just delete them. today i decided to reply (from a fictional email account)…let’s see what happens.

THE EMAIL –

My nmae is Mr. Stanley David Nin, a lawyer in the Chambers of Nabarro

Nathanson(Legal Practitioners) in London. I am writing this letter
to you to intimate you of a pending transaction I want to execute with
you privately. Anyway I got your contact through one of the Internet
Reference Directories in my Chambers.
One of my valued clients - Mr. Antonio Montoya died together with his lovely
wife Late Antonio Montoya died on the Flight 11, a Boeing 767-200, which was
enroute to Los Angeles from Boston during the terrorist attack on America
back in 2001. I was his personal lawyer and the Executor of his Will. There is no
further traces of any of his next-of-kin in his native Country.

As his personal lawyer and Executor of his Will, I know late Antonio Montoya
kept about GBP 9.2 million in the Vaults of a bank here in London. This
money had been taken to the bank late on the evening of his departure to USA, hence
the money was only accepted and registered by the bank while it was kept in
the Vault waiting for Montoya’s return, which was never to be. I have
sinceconfirmed with the bank that the money is still in the bank’s vault.
Ever since 2001 this money has been in this account untouched!

Now,how do you come in and what is your business with all this? I am sure
this is the question you would be asking me? Simple. As the personal lawyer to
late Antonio Montoya and since vital document relating to this money is kept
with my Chambers, I decided that I intimate you of this development, with your
co-operation, I can present you to bank as the Next-of-Kin to the late
Antonio Montoya. After proper verification of this Claim by the bank this money
will be transferred to your bank account hence you come in as the Next-of-Kin to late
Antonio Montoya.

How do we do it? The document showing that this money is kept in the bank’s
vault is kept in my Law Chambers. I, as the lawyer and Executor of late
Antonio Montoya’s Will/Last Testament will put your name in this Will as the
Beneficiary of this money kept in the bank’s vault. I will submit the
Will/Last Testament to the Bank to contact you and start processing
transfer of this money to your bank account according to the last wishes of my
Client - late Mr. Montoya for further administration to other members of the family.
I am the Executor of late Montoya’s Will.

All I need to do is to re-make the late Mr. Montoya’s Will/Last Testament to
include your name as the beneficiary and submit same to the bank and
introduce you, the bank writes you to confirm this, then transfer process starts
without delays. I am the Executor of this Will and the Bank knows it too. The
mode of sharing this money will be discussed when we agree to work together on this
transaction.

What do you think about this? While I look forward to hearing from you soon,
absolute confidentiality and secrecy remain very important in this
transaction. Thank you and God bless you.

Mr.Stanley David Nin

MY REPLY –

Dear Mr. Nin,

I have just received your email in regards to your client, the late Antonio Montoya. I was deeply saddened to hear of Mr. and Mrs. Montoya’s deaths in the terrorist attacks of 2001. This is indeed tragic and I am truly sorry for their loss. All of us have been deeply affected by those dark days, but we remember them in our thoughts and prayers as the young men and women from both of our countries continue to die for the freedoms they died for.

As for your offer, I must say this is unbelievable news. Recently, I have been faced with mounting bills from a medical condition that I developed as a child. You see, unfortunately, I was born with a left leg 6 inches longer than my right leg. Along with being aesthetically unpleasant to look at (not to mention a real problem when it comes time to buy a suit), it has had more serious ramifications on my life. I suffer from bouts of nausea, vertigo, and an inability to keep liquids from exiting the right side of my mouth when I drink.

My parents, may they rest in peace, tried to do what they could while i was young in order to correct this disfigurement, but, alas, they did not have the financial means to help me.

So, as I now approach my 30s, the long term effect of having half my body slightly higher than the other half, has begun to take its toll. Essentially, the forces of gravity have caused my organs to shift slightly, leaving them in a position where the blood flow is not of equal distribution. This has led to the deterioration of several of my organs (including my liver and kidneys). Thanks to the miracles of modern science I live a relatively pain free life (physically speaking - you can only imagine the emotional scars that come with a childhood full of taunts, teases, and the nickname, slanty). I undergo dialysis 4 days a week and am currently on a donor list to replace my kidneys.

I try and stay positive and I like to think I have a good sense of humor, but I must admit at times it is very hard to live this life. Everyday I watch as normal people (or the even-legged as I like to call them) engage in activities that most take for granted (riding a bicycle, playing kickball, having sexual intercourse doggy-style) and that I will never know the pleasure of, thanks to my affliction.

The doctors have told me that if I could pay for a series of operations they might be able to shave several inches off my leg in order to correct my problems, and hopefully allow me to lead a more normal life. But as I said, my medical bills are very high, and I had begun to lose hope of paying them off, let alone ever be able to afford these operations.

But just recently my psychic adviser, Sister Faye, told me that an unexpected solution to my financial situation would be presented to me, and though there would be some risk, that I must be prepared to help myself to survive.

So it must be providence that you should reach out to me during this time.

Therefore, I have decided to take this huge step (metaphorically speaking) and contact you to pursue the course of action you set forth in your earlier correspondence.

Please let me know as soon as possible what I must do now in order to proceed with our transaction.

Cheers and God be with you.

Mr. Clancy Alvarez Weinberg Stevens III

Goodbye Sweet Heath

heath ledger is dead.

i had initially intended on “relaunching” my blog today (on the eve of my 29th year) with a post about the 35th anniversary of legalized abortion. maybe with a remark about how i might go out and celebrate the occasion by getting someone pregnant and then paying for their abortion.

but now i think this would be in bad taste…to be talking about abortion when heath ledger’s untimely passing clearly affects us all a lot more.

as some of you are well aware, the last 6 months have been a stressful and uncertain time for me and my family (which, for the most part, explains my prolonged absence from posting to this blog).

thankfully, all of us are still alive and kicking, if not a little worse for wear.

but, if anything, these last few months (and to a lesser extent today’s events — heath’s passing, not the anniversary of legal abortion…though i suppose that also, depending on your position, might apply) have only served to reinforce my belief that life is short.

nobody, save for a few exceptions (e.g. people who commit suicide, psychics, people on death row who are out of appeals, people who click those ad banners that promise to tell you when you’ll die) knows when their time will be up.

people talk all the time about trying to live for today, and not having any regrets about how they live their life. and generally speaking, i think this is sound advice (logic such as it’s okay to drink and drive because i could just as easily be killed in a car wreck in the back seat of a cab notwithstanding).

so, here i sit on the verge of 29 the big 3-0 right around the corner. i am a law school dropout, i have no steady source of income, by this time next year i will pretty much be the only one of my closest friends who is not married…

and yet, i’m happy (though a job would be nice).

i have chosen a path that is not for some people, but it suits me well.

one of the reasons i dropped out of law school (besides my being generally miserable) can, in part, be attributed to my post 9/11 reflections in the days and weeks that passed as I, along with everyone else, got back to their “normal” routine.

i considered what might have been had i seen law school through to its inevitable conclusion and found myself working in some cube one morning only to be faced with a situation where the best option available was to jump out of a window on the 85th floor…

a pretty shitty way to go.

unfortunately, you usually don’t have any say over how you go. but what you can control is how you live.

a lot has changed in the 6 plus years that have passed since that tuesday morning (went to film school, got my mfa, moved out to la), but i can say with certainty that the decision i made in the weeks that followed was for the best.

who knows, maybe i’ll end up a struggling writer, cynical and jaded, pining for the financial security of the life i gave up.

but, if i were to die tomorrow (which, being my birthday, would be both ironic and unfortunate — since i’m not really celebrating until this weekend) i would do so with but a few regrets. regrets about what i have not yet been able to accomplish on this path i have chosen, as opposed to regrets about my unwillingness to take this path…

Stay Tuned

new blog posts are coming (and by new i mean, more extensive then this notification that is merely informing you of the forthcoming presence of said posts)…

July, July!

wow. it is a great day to be an American.

the 6 year reign of Takeru Kobayashi is over. that’s right, for those of you who have not yet heard (but really, i’m sure everyone knows and is celebrating this glorious victory) yesterday marked the end of Kobayashi’s dominance in the I.F.O.C.E. (International Federation Of Competitive Eating) 4th Of July Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. As American, Joey Chestnut, won the gold with a record breaking performance of 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

leading up to the event there were signs that this would finally be the year that America would once again reign supreme in a sport that measures who can eat the most in a short period of time. Chestnut had a few weeks earlier bested Kobayashi’s world record mark in a warm-up contest leading up to the showdown. And of course there was the wisdom tooth removal and subsequent chiropractor visits that had many questioning whether Kobayashi would be able to compete at full strength if at all.

but come yesterday morning, Kobayahsi and Chestnut stood head to head and ate like no men on the planet before them ever have.

in the end, both men passed Chestnut’s world record mark (eliminating any doubt that Kobayashi wasn’t at full strength), but it was Chestnut who came out the victor.

the rest of the day was spent enjoying the holiday and reveling in the triumphant afterglow that comes from being an American on the 4th of July knowing your fellow countryman is now the world champion of hot dog eating (there was also a bbq, lots of drinking, a concert and fireworks that added to the enjoyment).

in other news, i’m going to The Decemberists show on Saturday and haven’t been this excited for a concert since last year’s Belle & Sebastian show. and although i have been known in the past to exaggerate and am prone to excessive use of hyperbole, i am pretty certain it will be one of the 5 greatest concerts ever.

Why I Love LA...Reason #236

first off, i wanted to let anyone who was wondering or waiting for my evaluation know that coke zero vanilla is everything that i hoped it would be. seriously, absolutely fantastic.

i highly recommend you begin drinking this beverage in large quantities (this is really more for selfish reasons then anything else — as in order for coke to continue to manufacture the product they’re gonna have to see it selling well — that said if you do purchase some you won’t be disappointed, it’s delicious).

okay, now on to the aforementioned reason.

so i was doing a little grocery shopping earlier this afternoon and after acquiring all of the other items that i had set out to purchase i was perusing the cards section to pick out a father’s day card.

because the card section of the grocery store i was in (the mayfair market) is a narrow one, i had moved my cart off to the side in case others needed to pass while i was browsing.

standing next to me during this time was a woman (i’ll guess mid 50s hoping to pass for mid 30s) who was also browsing the cards. after a few moments she found a card that was to her liking, dropped it into her cart, and began walking away while i continued to peruse the selection.

but then a few seconds later she came walking back to near where i was in order to get a customer service person to open up the locked section of the liquor aisle. the customer service person told her that they’d be over in a minute and so the woman turned and headed back towards the liquor.

i finished picking out a card and turned around to put it in my cart only to find that my cart was nowhere to be found. i looked around unsure if i had perhaps forgotten where i had placed it, but there were no carts in sight…except for the one that was being pushed by, you guessed it, the woman.

i walked towards her and could clearly see that she had my cart.

“Excuse me, mam, I think you have my cart,” I said.

she looked down at the cart for what seemed like a solid 15 seconds (perhaps examining the contents, i really have no idea), before looking up at me with an expressionless face that only multiple injections of botox can provide, and replied, “No, I don’t.”

at which point i looked down again to see if perhaps i was the stupid jackass who didn’t know what grocery items i had just spent the last 30 minutes or so filling my cart with.

but sure enough, the items in the cart were definitely mine. I tried again, “Uh, I’m pretty sure this is my cart…the items in this cart are an exact match to the items on my grocery list.” at which point i proceeded to hand over said list for her to inspect…

which she did.

for about a minute.

after looking over my list and (presumably) seeing the items on the list all in the cart she looked up and said, “Gee, that’s strange. Well you must have my cart then.”

“No, I don’t have any other cart,” I replied.

“Well you must have moved it then, because I don’t think I would lose my cart.”

seeing how her circular logic would clearly trump any rationale explanation about how I had nothing to do with her a) having my cart and b) not knowing where hers was, I opted instead to look around to see if I might find a quicker way to resolve the situation.

it was at this point that i spotted another cart about fifteen feet from where we were standing, and upon directing her attention to it asked, “Is that your cart?”

she again took a long look over at this other cart, before breaking into a hyena like laugh. this was followed by, “I’m such an idiot…there’s my cart!”

this was a point that i decided not to argue partly because i was a little freaked out by the woman and was hoping to avoid prolonging the encounter any longer than necessary, but also because there was a grand total of 5 items in her cart as compared to mine which was semi full. i really had no idea how someone could even come close to mistaking the two, and as such her self-assessment seemed pretty spot on.

now everything up to this point in the story would be something that could (probably) take place in any number of different cities throughout the country. but, here’s why i love LA.

the woman finally let go of my cart and walked over to hers. i started to push past and head towards the checkout line, which is when she looked at me and said, “That’s so funny, don’t you think? I’m totally going to put that into my screenplay.”

i smiled politely and replied, “Good luck with that.”

indeed.

Return Of The King

oh sweet, glorious day…

while i was out running some errands earlier today i received a bit of good news that has put an end to a dark period of time (approx. 16 months) in my life…a period that hopefully i will look back on some years from now and remember as an unfortunate piece of history that hopefully will be able to be fixed without any long lasting scars (kinda like the bush presidency).

today, while driving down franklin i came face to face with a giant billboard (thank you corporate america!) announcing the return of vanilla coke.

some of you who have been reading my blog for some time now may remember a post a while back (over on friendster - before i became part of the myspace community) lamenting the end of diet vanilla coke’s production (feel free to refresh your memory here the end of an era).

for those of you who are too lazy to reread that old post, the short version is that i was a huge fan of diet vanilla coke and its removal from the marketplace left a substantial void in my life that had been (temporarily) filled by diet black cherry vanilla dr. pepper.

but no more settling for an inferior dinner beverage (sorry diet black cherry vanilla dr. pepper, we both knew that our arrangement was a marriage of circumstance not of choice).

my baby is (kinda) back!

coke apparently relaunched their vanilla coke brand a couple of weeks ago and stores across the country have begun restocking their shelves with the tasty beverage.

the one drawback is that diet vanilla coke is not part of the new relaunching…instead there is only vanilla coke and coke vanilla zero.

but, i am hopeful (and fully expect) that coke vanilla zero will be able to step in and provide a much more worthy replacement for diet vanilla coke than anything else i have tried in the past year and a half while searching for a worthy successor to the crown for beverage of my choice.

the only negative that came from today’s discovery was that i saw the billboard on the way home from the grocery store. I ran over to pick up a few items and didn’t pass down the soda aisle and so i was unaware of this new development until after the opportunity had passed to purchase the deliciousness that has been missing from my life.

this is okay, as the joy experienced upon learning of this good news far outweighed the disappointment from having to wait an extra day or two to be reunited (or technically speaking introduced).

as you can i’m sure tell, i am clearly ecstatic over this development. i do have a few cans of dbcvdrp left in my fridge from my most recently purchased case, but i suspect that i will go out tomorrow and pick up some of the coke vanilla zero anyways…i mean it was hard enough to stop myself from turning around the instant i saw the billboard and return to the grocery store (rush hour, the start of the mets game, and a need to use the commode all eventually tipped the scales in favor of continuing home).

so…i guess what i’m trying to say is…

welcome back…i missed you.

Early Morning May 25th...

…shots ring out in the Hollywood sky.

that’s right…last night i witnessed my first ever shooting (sort of).

i suppose it was inevitable, not that i live in a bad neighborhood per se, but it’s certainly not a gated community (well…actually i do live in a gated apartment complex, but you know what i mean).

while drifting off to sleep last night/early this morning I was startled by the sound of two very odd, loud POPS. then there was a brief pause of silence. then four more loud POPS.

since i was half asleep it took me a few seconds to realize what had just happened, but after about 30 seconds passed and the wail of police sirens began to approach from the distance I realized that the aforementioned POPS had to have been gunshots.

i rose from my bed and made my way to my bedroom window to look out and see what was going on…

and sure enough, about 10-12 police cars came speeding up Cahuenga Blvd, and pulled to a stop a block away at the Franklin Ave intersection.

unfortunately my view was partially obstructed by a large billboard (damn you corporate america!), however i was able to determine that at least someone who was involved in the (presumed) altercation was no longer at the scene.

this deduction of logic was made when about 6 of the cars sped off in various directions, and was further reinforced when the police chopper arrived and began circling the area shining their spotlight into the various alleys and corners of the neighborhood.

pretty soon the police had established a perimeter and blocked off the road, and at one point there were some officers with flashlights on the roof of a building nearby.

I don’t think anyone was injured as there didn’t seem to be any ambulance or first aid vehicles on the scene, just cops.

and unfortunately, as of yet, i have been unable to find any details regarding the incident online or in the news.

to be honest, i’m not quite sure how i feel about the whole situation. never once were my thoughts anything other than “gee, i wonder what the hell happened/is happening?” which is similar to the thoughts that i have whenever the occassional high speed chase comes flying down the 101 past my window.

that said, unlike the occassional high speed chase, the idea of gunplay a mere block from my apartment is, to be sure, slightly unsettling.

of course, it’s not like i live in an area where there are gang drive by’s going on, but still.

in the immediate vicinity of the Franklin/Cahuenga intersection there is a small, kinda shady looking liquor store, a small, kinda shady looking pool hall, and a size-unknown, kinda shady looking club.

my guess would be that the shooting probably took place in or involving patrons of one of these three establishments.

i’ve never felt unsafe walking around my area (including at night), whether it was by myself or in a group…and as of the moment i don’t think this is going to change.

i mean, prior to last night the scariest thing i’ve seen in the area was a homeless man peeing on the side of the road (and this took place in the middle of the day, and was seen while driving…so admittedly, the level of actual fear involved was not too much).

still…it would probably be comforting to know what the circumstances were that led to the shooting.

you know, like if the shooting was the result of a heated argument between ardent Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Rosie O’Donnell supporters or the result of some crazed junkie trying to rob someone to get some money to support his crystal meth habbit.

stuff like that.

anyways, i didn’t have any trouble falling back to sleep, and when i woke up this morning there was no sign of any remaining police activity, so i suppose whatever went down was taken care of (that, or the cops couldn’t find whomever it was they were looking for and called it a night when their shift ended…either way).

regardless…coming at a time when the majority of my weekly tv shows are on summer hiatus, perhaps this (and potential future) shooting(s) might be just the source of entertainment i need to carry me through till the fall when fictional violence and entertainment resumes.

i am strongly considering purchasing some binoculars so as to have a better view next time stuff goes down.

now, if only i could figure out some way to get rid of the damn billboard…

Curiousity #2

although this post is less curiousity and more an example of what’s wrong with the world, the title is, i believe, still aplicable.

i’ve recently begun picking up the occassional copy of Los Angeles magazine, mostly for the reviews on new restaurants as well as news of what’s going on around town.

however, along with the aforementioned information, the Los Angeles magazine has become a source of frequent comedic entertainment, as i’ve taken to perusing the “Super Lawyers” section located in the back pages.

the “Super Lawyers” section, for all those unfamiliar with the magazine, is essentially an advertisement that allows lawyers to put up pictures and blurbs about who they are and what area their legal expertise is in.

now, most of the time the blurbs are boring and of no value whatsoever to someone like myself not currently seeking any kind of litigation services.

but, occassionally i stumble across a blurb that makes me realize not only how unbelievably stupid most people in our society are, but also makes me wonder (hence the inclusion under this post title) why in the hell any educated person (which presumably most attorneys are) can not only take part in enabling these stupid people, but also boast about it as means to attract similarly stupid people searching for an attorney to sue someone.

for example…

one attorney’s (who shall remain nameless, after all he’s an attorney and clearly has no problem suing people) ad reads as followed:

“______ has obtained verdicts and settlements in many difficult cases including: $1.555 million for a diabetic who burned his feet in his bathtub, $1 million for a broken leg in a car accident where the client was ruled at fault by police, $865,000 for a broken ankle when a lady fell off a roof she built, $600,000 for a man struck by a door he opened during a wind storm, $300,000 for a man hit by a tennis ball, $262,000 for soft tissue injury in a car accident - despite no visible property damage, and (my personal favorite) $122,500 for a woman with $800 in medical bills who claimed she fell on a sidewalk, but her medical records indicated she fell “at home.” _____’s strength is complex liability cases involving significant injury.”

ahh…i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, there’s really nothing better than having pride in what you do for a living and being able to contribute to making this world a better place.