Things I Worry About

i am a worrier. i worry about all kinds of things. most of these things turn out to be absolutely nothing worth worrying about...like, for example, practically every borderline hypochondriac thought i've had over the last 7 years.

i don't know why i worry so much. it's not much fun and i'm fairly certain that i would be better off if i could somehow not worry (believe me, the irony and sadness of developing a case of insomnia due to anxiety that i might die from fatal familial insomnia is not lost on me).

but, alas, this is who i am. a worrier.

one of the things that i have been worried about lately is the impending robot apocalypse. that is, that all of the fictional depictions of robots becoming self aware and killing us from various movies and books will be what actually happens at some point in the not too distant future.

sure, laugh. it's crazy, right. i certainly hope so, but i'm not the only one who's concerned about this scenario.

anyway, this is besides the point, because this isn't a post about robots. no, this is a post about zombies...the latest item that's been added to my list of Things I Worry About.

why zombies you ask?

well, like most intelligent and rationally thinking people, i tend to take my cues from science, and thanks to the article, "When Zombies Attack! Mathematical Modelling Of An Outbreak Of Zombie Infection" from the recently published book Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress it's clear to me now that (scientifically speaking) the zombie threat is one to be taken seriously.

in the paper, researchers from the university of ottawa and carleton university posed a simple question: if there was to be a battle between zombies and the living, who would win?

the outcome, as you might have guessed, was a bit disconcerting:

"a zombie outbreak is likely to lead to the collapse of civilisation, unless it is dealt with quickly. While aggressive quarantine may contain the epidemic, or a cure may lead to coexistence of humans and zombies, the most effective way to contain the rise of the undead is to hit hard and hit often. As seen in the movies, it is imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly, or else we are all in a great deal of trouble."

and how did they reach this (not so surprising) conclusion?

one of the men involved in the study, professor robert smith? (the question mark is part of his name) explains, "we model a zombie attack using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies. we introduce a basic model for zombie infection and illustrate the outcome with numerical solutions."

as for that model...to give the living a "fighting chance," the researchers chose slow-moving zombies rather than the fast, intelligent creatures found in some recent films (clearly, if those zombies show up we are completely fucked).

so, what was the purpose behind the study (assuming to scare the shit out of me wasn't the original intention)...well, the researchers hope, seeing as how a zombie "plague" resembles a lethal, rapidly spreading infection, that the exercise could help scientists model the spread of unfamiliar diseases through human populations.

great. now i suppose the only real question left is, what will kill us first? the zombies or the robots.