leave it to the germans. it seems the next evolution in sex dolls is upon us...
introducing: sex androids.
that's right, you can now have sex with a robot (just what your 9 year old inner geek always dreamed of).
so what makes these "sex androids" so special you ask? well, they have 'hearts' that beat harder during sex, they also breathe harder during sex, and they have internal heaters to raise their body temperature during sex...but their feet stay cold "just like in real life," according to developer michael harriman (perfect for that post coitus game of robot footsie).
but the wonders don't stop there, oh no, the model can also be made to move by remote control, wiggling her hips under the bedclothes and making other suggestive movements -- all at the touch of a button.
hmm...i wonder if ryan gosling would be up for a sequel.
(via joe rogan)
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Victory Is Mine!
I did it.
my quest to get ads on my site for amputee related products/services is, in just under a week's time, a success.
as you can see below (right above the ad for seth rogen's super jew t-shirt) there is now an ad for anyone interested in finding single amputee women in their area on my blog.
awesome.
this concludes the amputee focused content portion of my blogging (unless other amputee stories of note come my way).
my quest to get ads on my site for amputee related products/services is, in just under a week's time, a success.
as you can see below (right above the ad for seth rogen's super jew t-shirt) there is now an ad for anyone interested in finding single amputee women in their area on my blog.
awesome.
this concludes the amputee focused content portion of my blogging (unless other amputee stories of note come my way).
scientology? really ad sense, really?
i suppose it was all that talk of schizophrenia, which is actually kinda scary. the good folks at scientology must comb high and low to find any related content on mental illness, seeing as how it makes for such potentially fertile breeding ground for their message.
that's right, embrace scientology and you no longer have to suffer through a life of paranoid delusional schizophrenia (provided, of course, you have the money to audit for long enough to cure what ails you).
though this begs the question...is this really the best use of scientology resources? i mean, how many schizophrenics are functional enough to a) use a computer b) get onto the internet c) see one of these ads and d) comprehend the message the ad actually intended for them (as opposed to the message their cat has been repeating ad nauseam for the last 6 hours? -- alright, alright, i get it, i must kill the queen).
then again, now that i think about it, schizophrenics are probably just as (if not more) mentally sound as anyone who legitimately believes in the fundamental tenets of a religion based around aliens and an evil overlord named xenu (to be fair though i guess that also applies to pretty much anyone who seriously believes in the hocus pocus and magic tricks from any major religion).
sigh.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Homeless Encounters
there are a lot of homeless people in los angeles. in fact, an estimated 254,000 men, women, and children experienced homelessness in los angeles county during some part of the last year, and approximately 82,000 people are homeless on any given night.
so, depending on where you live and what you're doing, chances are good that you will encounter/see a homeless person on any given day. for me, living in hollywood, it's pretty much a guarantee every time i leave my house...like today.
now the homeless in hollywood are a particularly diverse bunch, ranging from the packs of runaway teens to the creepy woman who sits in her wheelchair near the post office cradling a puppet in her lap and everything in between (including, but not limited to: the down on their luck, the alcoholics/drug addicts, the soon to be famous, and the schizophrenics -- the puppet woman may or may not be a member of this group...she may or may not be a member of the second to last group too).
now, how i interact with a homeless person tends to vary depending on which of the aforementioned groups i think they belong to.
for instance, i tend to not give homeless people money (at least not directly) because i don't like being lied to and the reality is i just can't trust whether or not they are actually a "down on their luck" person who is going to use the money to buy food, or an "alcoholic/drug addict" person who is going to use the money to buy alcohol or drugs (the exception to this case is the rare occasion where i've come across a homeless person with a sign that reads something to the effect "not gonna lie, need money for booze." i pretty much always give that guy money if for no other reason then to reward his honesty).
i have a little more sympathy for the homeless youth, even though i know there's still a chance that if i give them money they'll use it for something other then what they claim. which is why when i run into them outside the grocery store, instead of giving them money, i'll often just buy them a jar of peanut butter or some cheese.
the hardest group to interact with, as you may have already guessed, are the schizophrenics...mostly because they don't interact with you as much as they just shout stuff incoherently in your direction.
when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic, i usually keep my head down, quicken my pace, count my blessings that neither i nor anyone else i care about is a homeless schizophrenic, and bemoan the fact that we as a country don't do more to provide better care for the weakest among us.
then again, usually when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic they are standing on a corner or sitting on the sidewalk or lying in some alley, as opposed to say repeatedly kicking the front passenger tire on my car, which, coincidentally, is how today's encounter with a homeless schizophrenic began.
i had gone to cvs to pick up a few things and upon pulling into the parking lot noticed a homeless person standing in said lot exhibiting all the classic signs of schizophrenia (incoherent speech. check. neglect of personal hygiene. check. angry outbursts. check).
but he seemed to be mostly keeping to himself so i didn't pay him too much attention when i parked and went inside. once inside it was business as usual, i collected the items i came for, waited in line to check out, told the cashier i did not have my cvs card on me, and paid. and that's when things got interesting...
i exited the store and there he was kicking the shit out of my front tire (pausing every few seconds to scream at it). slowly, i approached trying to determine what the best course of action was. eventually, i decided i would first try talking to him. after all, he was, regardless of his condition, still a human being.
"sir, um, excuse me, that's my car your kicking."
no response.
i tried again, "excuse me, sir, can you please stop kicking my tire, i'd like to leave."
this time he stopped. he looked up at me and for the slightest of moments i saw what i thought was the glimmer of recognition behind his eyes that reminds people to not repeatedly kick the tire on a stranger's car.
but, alas, the moment soon passed. he screamed something at me that sounded like "gorillas don't run up hot dog nation" (though i could be mistaken) and returned to the task at hand, kicking my tire.
at this point i paused to regroup and consider my options (i also made a mental note to consider getting one of those car alarms key chains, my thinking being had i had one of these alarms and pushed the button on the key chain, the alarm probably would have scared him away):
option a. call the police -- upside, a presumably safe solution to resolve the situation. downside, i'd have to wait for the police to show up and probably would be stuck dealing with the situation for a lot longer then i would have liked.
option b. try and lure him away from my car by any means necessary and in the ensuing chaos make my escape -- upside, a presumably quicker resolution to the situation. downside, results not guaranteed, let alone guaranteed safe.
well, suffice to say, i opted for option b (with the caveat that if i was still trying to get him away from my car for longer then 5 minutes i would initiate option a).
so i reached into my pocket, pulled out a handful of change, yelled "hey" at the man, and when he turned to look at me i threw the change away from my car towards the far end of the parking lot. he watched transfixed as the change landed with symphony of clangs, he then mumbled (incoherently) and returned his attention to my tire (i.e. kicking it).
now, had this encounter taken place a couple of weeks ago, this moment would have probably signaled the end of my attempts to distract the homeless guy and get him away from my car without having to resort to calling the po-po. BUT thanks to the awesomeness that is my messenger bag, i still had one more card to play.
i opened up my bag and searched through its contents looking for something that i could use, and there at the very bottom of the bag was the super bouncy ball i had tossed in a few days ago in case i was out and about and in need of keeping myself entertained (also now in the bag for these purposes: silly putty, a slinky, and a yo-yo).
i pulled the super bouncy ball out (it was one of those rainbow colored ones), once again yelled, "hey," and then threw...
guy took off chasing after it like it had the secrets to life contained inside.
quickly, i ran around to the driver's side, unlocked my car, and got in. i looked up just in time to see him finally corral the ball into his hands, and he looked up just in time to see me start the ignition.
for a moment we both stared at each other, like something out of some bizarre david lynch western movie not yet made. then he blinked and took off running away from me and out of the parking lot, super bouncy ball still in hand.
i watched for a moment as he continued to get further away, and as i watched i considered where on the scale of exploitative and inappropriate behavior my choice to essentially treat this man like a dog by luring him away from my car with a modified game of fetch fell.
eventually concluding that he seemed a lot happier with the super bouncy ball then he ever did kicking my tire.
so, depending on where you live and what you're doing, chances are good that you will encounter/see a homeless person on any given day. for me, living in hollywood, it's pretty much a guarantee every time i leave my house...like today.
now the homeless in hollywood are a particularly diverse bunch, ranging from the packs of runaway teens to the creepy woman who sits in her wheelchair near the post office cradling a puppet in her lap and everything in between (including, but not limited to: the down on their luck, the alcoholics/drug addicts, the soon to be famous, and the schizophrenics -- the puppet woman may or may not be a member of this group...she may or may not be a member of the second to last group too).
now, how i interact with a homeless person tends to vary depending on which of the aforementioned groups i think they belong to.
for instance, i tend to not give homeless people money (at least not directly) because i don't like being lied to and the reality is i just can't trust whether or not they are actually a "down on their luck" person who is going to use the money to buy food, or an "alcoholic/drug addict" person who is going to use the money to buy alcohol or drugs (the exception to this case is the rare occasion where i've come across a homeless person with a sign that reads something to the effect "not gonna lie, need money for booze." i pretty much always give that guy money if for no other reason then to reward his honesty).
i have a little more sympathy for the homeless youth, even though i know there's still a chance that if i give them money they'll use it for something other then what they claim. which is why when i run into them outside the grocery store, instead of giving them money, i'll often just buy them a jar of peanut butter or some cheese.
the hardest group to interact with, as you may have already guessed, are the schizophrenics...mostly because they don't interact with you as much as they just shout stuff incoherently in your direction.
when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic, i usually keep my head down, quicken my pace, count my blessings that neither i nor anyone else i care about is a homeless schizophrenic, and bemoan the fact that we as a country don't do more to provide better care for the weakest among us.
then again, usually when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic they are standing on a corner or sitting on the sidewalk or lying in some alley, as opposed to say repeatedly kicking the front passenger tire on my car, which, coincidentally, is how today's encounter with a homeless schizophrenic began.
i had gone to cvs to pick up a few things and upon pulling into the parking lot noticed a homeless person standing in said lot exhibiting all the classic signs of schizophrenia (incoherent speech. check. neglect of personal hygiene. check. angry outbursts. check).
but he seemed to be mostly keeping to himself so i didn't pay him too much attention when i parked and went inside. once inside it was business as usual, i collected the items i came for, waited in line to check out, told the cashier i did not have my cvs card on me, and paid. and that's when things got interesting...
i exited the store and there he was kicking the shit out of my front tire (pausing every few seconds to scream at it). slowly, i approached trying to determine what the best course of action was. eventually, i decided i would first try talking to him. after all, he was, regardless of his condition, still a human being.
"sir, um, excuse me, that's my car your kicking."
no response.
i tried again, "excuse me, sir, can you please stop kicking my tire, i'd like to leave."
this time he stopped. he looked up at me and for the slightest of moments i saw what i thought was the glimmer of recognition behind his eyes that reminds people to not repeatedly kick the tire on a stranger's car.
but, alas, the moment soon passed. he screamed something at me that sounded like "gorillas don't run up hot dog nation" (though i could be mistaken) and returned to the task at hand, kicking my tire.
at this point i paused to regroup and consider my options (i also made a mental note to consider getting one of those car alarms key chains, my thinking being had i had one of these alarms and pushed the button on the key chain, the alarm probably would have scared him away):
option a. call the police -- upside, a presumably safe solution to resolve the situation. downside, i'd have to wait for the police to show up and probably would be stuck dealing with the situation for a lot longer then i would have liked.
option b. try and lure him away from my car by any means necessary and in the ensuing chaos make my escape -- upside, a presumably quicker resolution to the situation. downside, results not guaranteed, let alone guaranteed safe.
well, suffice to say, i opted for option b (with the caveat that if i was still trying to get him away from my car for longer then 5 minutes i would initiate option a).
so i reached into my pocket, pulled out a handful of change, yelled "hey" at the man, and when he turned to look at me i threw the change away from my car towards the far end of the parking lot. he watched transfixed as the change landed with symphony of clangs, he then mumbled (incoherently) and returned his attention to my tire (i.e. kicking it).
now, had this encounter taken place a couple of weeks ago, this moment would have probably signaled the end of my attempts to distract the homeless guy and get him away from my car without having to resort to calling the po-po. BUT thanks to the awesomeness that is my messenger bag, i still had one more card to play.
i opened up my bag and searched through its contents looking for something that i could use, and there at the very bottom of the bag was the super bouncy ball i had tossed in a few days ago in case i was out and about and in need of keeping myself entertained (also now in the bag for these purposes: silly putty, a slinky, and a yo-yo).
i pulled the super bouncy ball out (it was one of those rainbow colored ones), once again yelled, "hey," and then threw...
guy took off chasing after it like it had the secrets to life contained inside.
quickly, i ran around to the driver's side, unlocked my car, and got in. i looked up just in time to see him finally corral the ball into his hands, and he looked up just in time to see me start the ignition.
for a moment we both stared at each other, like something out of some bizarre david lynch western movie not yet made. then he blinked and took off running away from me and out of the parking lot, super bouncy ball still in hand.
i watched for a moment as he continued to get further away, and as i watched i considered where on the scale of exploitative and inappropriate behavior my choice to essentially treat this man like a dog by luring him away from my car with a modified game of fetch fell.
eventually concluding that he seemed a lot happier with the super bouncy ball then he ever did kicking my tire.
Friday, July 24, 2009
B.I.I.D.
i write one post about getting my hairscut and immediately i'm advertising hair removal products. how interesting.
well, take this ad sense, more amputee content...thanks to the lovely and talented jules for passing this along.
this being a story about a slightly different set of amputees. people with b.i.i.d. otherwise known as body integrity identity disorder. for those of you who don't know what body integrity identity disorder is, you really should start watching more grey's anatomy or nip/tuck or csi new york.
but to sum up, b.i.i.d. is basically a neurological disorder resulting in a psychological condition that causes a person to feel that he or she would be happier living life as an amputee and is usually, if not always, accompanied by the strong desire to amputate one or more healthy limbs in order to obtain this life.
fun stuff, huh.
not too long ago the science television program, catalyst took a closer look at the disorder. suffice to say, the results were fascinating.
well, take this ad sense, more amputee content...thanks to the lovely and talented jules for passing this along.
this being a story about a slightly different set of amputees. people with b.i.i.d. otherwise known as body integrity identity disorder. for those of you who don't know what body integrity identity disorder is, you really should start watching more grey's anatomy or nip/tuck or csi new york.
but to sum up, b.i.i.d. is basically a neurological disorder resulting in a psychological condition that causes a person to feel that he or she would be happier living life as an amputee and is usually, if not always, accompanied by the strong desire to amputate one or more healthy limbs in order to obtain this life.
fun stuff, huh.
not too long ago the science television program, catalyst took a closer look at the disorder. suffice to say, the results were fascinating.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
NJ
looks like my home state is back in the news, this time for a corruption scandal involving everything from political payoffs to illegal organ transplants. awesome.
even more awesome, one of the scandals' epicenters is the town of deal, nj (which is basically just a stone's throw away from my parent's house.
it seems the deal yeshiva and the ohel yaacob synagogue on ocean avenue in deal were both raided this morning by the fbi, irs, and monmouth county prosecutor's office.
one of my favorite quotes:
"new jersey's corruption problem is one of the worst, if not the worst, in the nation," said ed kahrer, who heads the fbi's white collar and public corruption investigation division. "corruption is a cancer that is destroying the core values of this state."
yeah, good ol' nj core values.
it's really a shame that the sopranos are no longer on, cause i would have liked to have seen a storyline that included the syrian rabbis/jews of deal and organ trafficking.
even more awesome, one of the scandals' epicenters is the town of deal, nj (which is basically just a stone's throw away from my parent's house.
it seems the deal yeshiva and the ohel yaacob synagogue on ocean avenue in deal were both raided this morning by the fbi, irs, and monmouth county prosecutor's office.
one of my favorite quotes:
"new jersey's corruption problem is one of the worst, if not the worst, in the nation," said ed kahrer, who heads the fbi's white collar and public corruption investigation division. "corruption is a cancer that is destroying the core values of this state."
yeah, good ol' nj core values.
it's really a shame that the sopranos are no longer on, cause i would have liked to have seen a storyline that included the syrian rabbis/jews of deal and organ trafficking.
Hairscut
i'm currently in the process of growing my hair out. i haven't decided yet how long i'm going to let it grow, but the longer i let it grow the curlier (read: jew fro) it gets, which i like.
once, from the fall of 2004 to the summer of 2005, i went about 9 months without a hairscut (yes, i say hairscut -- because i like to get more than one cut when i go, and both hair and hairs is the plural for hair, so i don't see why the word isn't or can't be hairscut). by the end my hair was pretty crazy. i probably won't let things get that out of hand this go around, but we'll see.
anyway, eventhough i'm growing my hair out i did go to the barber this morning. the reason being i wanted to get my neckline cleaned up and my sideburns trimmed/thinned out a bit as well.
normally for all my hairscutting needs i just go to Supercuts...this is because normally my hairscutting needs consist of a 2 on the sides and back, blended into a 3 up top with the electric razor.
today, however, i went to Floyd's 99 Barbershop.
it was an impromptu decision made while driving home from taking my brother to the airport this morning. i saw a sign advertising the burbank floyd's grand opening and decided to stop in.
now, before i proceed, i will say that the barber/stylist who cut my hair did a serviceable job (complete with shaving my neck line using a straight edge razor, which was very nice). not great, mostly because she was a bit keen to try to take off more than i wanted and i had to keep telling her to leave my hair alone, but for the most part it was fine (if i was keeping my hair short i would probably go back there next time i wanted a cut, but, seeing as how i'm not, i probably won't be visiting again anytime soon).
and now that those riveting details are out of the way, here's what made the trip worthwhile--
while cutting my hair the stylist asked me what i did for a living. i said i worked in the film industry. she then asked me if i knew anyone who was looking for any new reality tv programs. i told her i did not. at which point the conversation took a rather unexpected turn:
stylist: oh that's too bad. my cousin is crazy and she would be crazy on a reality tv show.
me: uh...
stylist: actually the show would have to be about her and her sister, my other cousin, who's retarted.
me: uh...
stylist: i'm serious yo, you have no idea the shit she does.
me: which one?
stylist: both of them. they're crazy.
me: i thought one of them was retarded.
stylist: i know right. just last night she didn't want to go to sleep so my cousin started hitting her and i was like, "don't hit her" and my cousin was like, "shut up she doesn't feel it, she's retarded" and i was like, "stupid, retarded people feel it when you hit them" and she was like, "how do you know what they feel, you're not retarded."
me: uh...
stylist: then she was like, let's see if she feels stuff and so she picked up a knife and she was gonna stab her or something and i was like, "girl, put that knife down" and she was like, "shut up, bitch" and then she chased my cousin around the house for like 10 minutes before finally giving up.
me: wow...
stylist: i know right, see i told you she should have her own reality show. wouldn't you watch that?
me: (long pause) yes?
stylist: yeah, i bet everyone would.
me: you know you could always videotape it and put it up on youtube or something and then maybe someone who is looking for a reality show might see it.
stylist: oh my god, i'm totally gonna videotape it.
and that's pretty much where the conversation and coincidentally the hairscut came to an end.
the bill for the cut was $14, i left her a $20...she had earned it.
and now i'm going to start searching youtube to see if anyone has uploaded any video in the last 12 hours featuring a retarded child being chased by her knife wielding sister.
stay tuned...
once, from the fall of 2004 to the summer of 2005, i went about 9 months without a hairscut (yes, i say hairscut -- because i like to get more than one cut when i go, and both hair and hairs is the plural for hair, so i don't see why the word isn't or can't be hairscut). by the end my hair was pretty crazy. i probably won't let things get that out of hand this go around, but we'll see.
anyway, eventhough i'm growing my hair out i did go to the barber this morning. the reason being i wanted to get my neckline cleaned up and my sideburns trimmed/thinned out a bit as well.
normally for all my hairscutting needs i just go to Supercuts...this is because normally my hairscutting needs consist of a 2 on the sides and back, blended into a 3 up top with the electric razor.
today, however, i went to Floyd's 99 Barbershop.
it was an impromptu decision made while driving home from taking my brother to the airport this morning. i saw a sign advertising the burbank floyd's grand opening and decided to stop in.
now, before i proceed, i will say that the barber/stylist who cut my hair did a serviceable job (complete with shaving my neck line using a straight edge razor, which was very nice). not great, mostly because she was a bit keen to try to take off more than i wanted and i had to keep telling her to leave my hair alone, but for the most part it was fine (if i was keeping my hair short i would probably go back there next time i wanted a cut, but, seeing as how i'm not, i probably won't be visiting again anytime soon).
and now that those riveting details are out of the way, here's what made the trip worthwhile--
while cutting my hair the stylist asked me what i did for a living. i said i worked in the film industry. she then asked me if i knew anyone who was looking for any new reality tv programs. i told her i did not. at which point the conversation took a rather unexpected turn:
stylist: oh that's too bad. my cousin is crazy and she would be crazy on a reality tv show.
me: uh...
stylist: actually the show would have to be about her and her sister, my other cousin, who's retarted.
me: uh...
stylist: i'm serious yo, you have no idea the shit she does.
me: which one?
stylist: both of them. they're crazy.
me: i thought one of them was retarded.
stylist: i know right. just last night she didn't want to go to sleep so my cousin started hitting her and i was like, "don't hit her" and my cousin was like, "shut up she doesn't feel it, she's retarded" and i was like, "stupid, retarded people feel it when you hit them" and she was like, "how do you know what they feel, you're not retarded."
me: uh...
stylist: then she was like, let's see if she feels stuff and so she picked up a knife and she was gonna stab her or something and i was like, "girl, put that knife down" and she was like, "shut up, bitch" and then she chased my cousin around the house for like 10 minutes before finally giving up.
me: wow...
stylist: i know right, see i told you she should have her own reality show. wouldn't you watch that?
me: (long pause) yes?
stylist: yeah, i bet everyone would.
me: you know you could always videotape it and put it up on youtube or something and then maybe someone who is looking for a reality show might see it.
stylist: oh my god, i'm totally gonna videotape it.
and that's pretty much where the conversation and coincidentally the hairscut came to an end.
the bill for the cut was $14, i left her a $20...she had earned it.
and now i'm going to start searching youtube to see if anyone has uploaded any video in the last 12 hours featuring a retarded child being chased by her knife wielding sister.
stay tuned...
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Amputee Tattoos
today's amputee content features some, "when life gives you lemon, make lemonade" type living in the form of tattoos.
Does This Ad Make Sense?
a little less than a month ago when i decided to get back in the blogging game and moved my blog over to blogger (and what a wild ride it's been since then), i set up google's ad sense program in my layout.
i did this not because i was expecting to make any serious coin from all the hits, but because i was curious to see how it worked and i thought it would be an easy way to keep track of site traffic.
one of the unexpected but more enjoyable aspects of this decision has been watching the ads change based on the current content contained in my posts.
for example, at one point (after several marijuana related posts) all my ads were for marijuana dispensaries and other marijuana related services (services, i might add, i was more than happy to help promote/advertise).
currently, however, i'm a bit perplexed by some of the ads.
i have a few messenger bag related one's -- which i get, given all my recent talk of messenger bags (though i'm not sure what about my blog makes ad sense think that either i or the people who read my blog would be interested in a messenger bag with a chrome PBR buckle, but i digress).
i also have an add for safeway, an add for a jewish dating website, and (last but not least) an add for customary jewish caskets.
ok, now, ignoring for the moment the whole sesame street scenario (i.e. one of these things is not like the other), i'd like to know why ad sense determined there was a need for a customary jewish caskets ad on my blog?
again, i get why, given all my recent jew talk, there are ads for jewish products, but i don't understand why said jewish products extend to include caskets.
was it all that talk of murderous rampage i was spewing early last week when the power tools wouldn't stop waking me up? why not an add for power tools?
i guess it really doesn't matter, point is, i find the whole thing somewhat entertaining...and so, in the spirit of keeping myself entertained (which is one of the main reasons i do this whole thing), i thought it might be interesting to see if i could get the ads on my site to begin advertising amputee related products/services.
why amputees? why not? also, i just came across this story about lie yeung (pictured), 27, who was warned earlier this week after police in china stopped him for driving his motorcycle without any arms.
apparently, mr. yeung had fitted a specially modified handlebar to the bike that allowed him to steer with his body (pretty inventive if you ask me).
in fact, he had been driving that way (with the handlebar, not on a motorcycle...at least i assume) for years after he lost both arms when he was seven years old after touching a live electric cable with both hands.
which would be a little sad (a seven year old losing his arms) if not for the happy ending. for you see his parents decided to hand him over to a circus when he was 10 so that he could earn money as a trick cyclist, and (amputee or not) every little boy dreams of being handed over to the circus when they're 10 (tangential aside - it's obvious why china is gaining/passing the united states in so many categories, look how good their parenting skills are).
so anyway, in case you start wondering why the increase in amputee related content on the blog over the next few days, now you know.
i did this not because i was expecting to make any serious coin from all the hits, but because i was curious to see how it worked and i thought it would be an easy way to keep track of site traffic.
one of the unexpected but more enjoyable aspects of this decision has been watching the ads change based on the current content contained in my posts.
for example, at one point (after several marijuana related posts) all my ads were for marijuana dispensaries and other marijuana related services (services, i might add, i was more than happy to help promote/advertise).
currently, however, i'm a bit perplexed by some of the ads.
i have a few messenger bag related one's -- which i get, given all my recent talk of messenger bags (though i'm not sure what about my blog makes ad sense think that either i or the people who read my blog would be interested in a messenger bag with a chrome PBR buckle, but i digress).
i also have an add for safeway, an add for a jewish dating website, and (last but not least) an add for customary jewish caskets.
ok, now, ignoring for the moment the whole sesame street scenario (i.e. one of these things is not like the other), i'd like to know why ad sense determined there was a need for a customary jewish caskets ad on my blog?
again, i get why, given all my recent jew talk, there are ads for jewish products, but i don't understand why said jewish products extend to include caskets.
was it all that talk of murderous rampage i was spewing early last week when the power tools wouldn't stop waking me up? why not an add for power tools?
i guess it really doesn't matter, point is, i find the whole thing somewhat entertaining...and so, in the spirit of keeping myself entertained (which is one of the main reasons i do this whole thing), i thought it might be interesting to see if i could get the ads on my site to begin advertising amputee related products/services.
why amputees? why not? also, i just came across this story about lie yeung (pictured), 27, who was warned earlier this week after police in china stopped him for driving his motorcycle without any arms.
apparently, mr. yeung had fitted a specially modified handlebar to the bike that allowed him to steer with his body (pretty inventive if you ask me).
in fact, he had been driving that way (with the handlebar, not on a motorcycle...at least i assume) for years after he lost both arms when he was seven years old after touching a live electric cable with both hands.
which would be a little sad (a seven year old losing his arms) if not for the happy ending. for you see his parents decided to hand him over to a circus when he was 10 so that he could earn money as a trick cyclist, and (amputee or not) every little boy dreams of being handed over to the circus when they're 10 (tangential aside - it's obvious why china is gaining/passing the united states in so many categories, look how good their parenting skills are).
so anyway, in case you start wondering why the increase in amputee related content on the blog over the next few days, now you know.
Monday, July 20, 2009
There's Room For One More
i wish i was quicker at mental math, that way i'd have a better chance of figuring out whether the elevator full of really, really fat people was safe to ride or whether it was too close to the load limit.
also, in the same vein, i suppose that is one of those rare instances in life when experience working at an amusement park "guess your age/weight" station might prove to have some real world practical application.
also, in the same vein, i suppose that is one of those rare instances in life when experience working at an amusement park "guess your age/weight" station might prove to have some real world practical application.
Oh Kelly. Oh Kelly.
those that know me well know that when it comes to dating, i only have one unbreakable rule...never date someone with the same name.
the reason for this rule is simple: you'll never be sure whether they are calling out your name or their name in bed.
you could be making sweet, sweet love with the most narcissistic person on the planet and you'd never know.
there are other problems to be sure, though usually these problems affect other people more than they affect you (e.g. figuring out how to differentiate between the two of you when trying to tell a story about something you all did together, figuring out how to avoid falling into an abbott and costello routine when calling to speak with one of you on the phone, figuring out how to take the right urine sample from the fridge and avoiding the awkward mix up that results in a man being told he's pregnant when he gets drug tested for work-- what? sometimes you have to rely on friends for clean urine), but they all pale in comparison to the dirty talk conundrum, which is what ultimately causes these things to go bad.
you may think i'm kidding about all this, but i assure you that i'm not.
getting into a relationship with someone who has the same first name as you is getting into a relationship that is doomed to fail.
don't get me wrong, in the few times in my life i've born witness to a friend starting a relationship with someone with the same first name as them, i always offer the same wishes for happiness and an enjoyable life together that i would for any of my friends dating people with different first names. but when the end comes, and inevitably it always does, i am never surprised.
in fact, i thought by now most people had basically come to accept this tenet as a universal truth.
but, apparently, i was mistaken.
meet kelly hildebrandt...and his fiance kelly hildebrandt.
that's right. these kids aren't even married yet and they share not one, but two of the same names...which takes this into an entirely new degree of creepy (something not even a hyphen can fix).
and how did this storybook romance begin. of course, via the internet.
it seems kelly (girl) was searching facebook to see how many other kelly hildebrandts there were out there in the virtual world, and it turned out the answer was only one. (boy) kelly hildebrandt.
naturally she sent him a message, and the rest, as they say, is history...
well kelly and kelly, i wish you good luck and a lifetime of happiness together, but if (when) things go bad, don't say i didn't warn you and don't come crying to me.
the reason for this rule is simple: you'll never be sure whether they are calling out your name or their name in bed.
you could be making sweet, sweet love with the most narcissistic person on the planet and you'd never know.
there are other problems to be sure, though usually these problems affect other people more than they affect you (e.g. figuring out how to differentiate between the two of you when trying to tell a story about something you all did together, figuring out how to avoid falling into an abbott and costello routine when calling to speak with one of you on the phone, figuring out how to take the right urine sample from the fridge and avoiding the awkward mix up that results in a man being told he's pregnant when he gets drug tested for work-- what? sometimes you have to rely on friends for clean urine), but they all pale in comparison to the dirty talk conundrum, which is what ultimately causes these things to go bad.
you may think i'm kidding about all this, but i assure you that i'm not.
getting into a relationship with someone who has the same first name as you is getting into a relationship that is doomed to fail.
don't get me wrong, in the few times in my life i've born witness to a friend starting a relationship with someone with the same first name as them, i always offer the same wishes for happiness and an enjoyable life together that i would for any of my friends dating people with different first names. but when the end comes, and inevitably it always does, i am never surprised.
in fact, i thought by now most people had basically come to accept this tenet as a universal truth.
but, apparently, i was mistaken.
meet kelly hildebrandt...and his fiance kelly hildebrandt.
that's right. these kids aren't even married yet and they share not one, but two of the same names...which takes this into an entirely new degree of creepy (something not even a hyphen can fix).
and how did this storybook romance begin. of course, via the internet.
it seems kelly (girl) was searching facebook to see how many other kelly hildebrandts there were out there in the virtual world, and it turned out the answer was only one. (boy) kelly hildebrandt.
naturally she sent him a message, and the rest, as they say, is history...
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
well kelly and kelly, i wish you good luck and a lifetime of happiness together, but if (when) things go bad, don't say i didn't warn you and don't come crying to me.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Don't Try This At Home
if i've said it once, i've said it a thousand times. leave the belly dancing to trained professionals.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Shameless Self Promotion Alert
the bluecat screenplay competition semi-finalists were just announced, and one of my most recent scripts, "The End of August" made the list (top 1% of over 3200 submissions). go me.
but don't anyone worry about me getting a big head, as i'm about to go put in my brand new nightguard that is supposed to help cure my tmj...and really nothing brings you back down like wearing a nightguard (of course if it helps, i won't really give a shit).
but don't anyone worry about me getting a big head, as i'm about to go put in my brand new nightguard that is supposed to help cure my tmj...and really nothing brings you back down like wearing a nightguard (of course if it helps, i won't really give a shit).
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I Hate Power Tools
the construction continues. we are now on day 2. if you would like to see what life has been like for me for the past 2 days, keep replaying the video below at full volume on a continuous loop from the hours of 8am - 5pm (you may stop for approx 45 min. for lunch).
at this rate, i really think there's a good chance that i end up going on a michael douglas "falling down" style rampage, killing the entire construction crew.
at this rate, i really think there's a good chance that i end up going on a michael douglas "falling down" style rampage, killing the entire construction crew.
Your Tax Dollars Hard At Work
supreme court confirmation hearings. sonia sotomayor explains the dangers of nunchuks.
Monday, July 13, 2009
An Orgasm A Day Keeps The Doctor Away...
so says the national health service of britain.
money quote (no pun intended): “health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. what about sex or masturbation twice a week?”
anyone interested in getting some cardio in later this week? i'm around.
money quote (no pun intended): “health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. what about sex or masturbation twice a week?”
anyone interested in getting some cardio in later this week? i'm around.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The Day After, The Hitler Youth Brigade, And A Taste Of Bird
i'm sure there are those among you who have been waiting with baited breath to hear how the messenger bag field test went last night...well wait no longer, i'm happy to tell you my bag performed like a champion.
in fact, i would say that the bag perhaps even exceeded my expectations. sure, i took some flak for walking around with "a glorified purse," but the ratio of flak taken to comfort achieved wasn't even close (certainly not anywhere near close to the level it would have needed to be in order to make me rethink my decision).
although, at one point a couple of (really) drunk people in a car screamed "heil hitler" at me and my brother while we were walking home after getting some late night food at the 101, but i'm pretty certain this had nothing to do with my bag.
to be honest, i have no idea what the reason was behind their religious epithet. however, possible explanations include:
1. they were bigoted, racist, anti-semites. they did have shaved heads/crew cuts, but they were foreign, armenian or maybe turkish (i'm not sure whether that makes this explanation more or less likely).
2. they were really, really, really shitfaced (and, as everyone knows, anti-semitic slurs are much more acceptable when you are really, really, really shitfaced).
3. they were method actors, still in character from whatever white supremacist/aryan youth themed movie they were working on (in which case, i commend them on the dedication to their craft).
also, (and perhaps even more perplexing then the slurs themselves) i'm still not entirely certain how they determined that we were jewish. it's not as if i (or my brother) walk around wearing a yarmulke or any other yid gear that would instantly identify me (or him) as being of the jewish persuasion. however, possible explanations include:
1. even sans yarmulke, we (apparently) look jewish...or at least jewish enough to warrant a "heil hitler" thrown at us (though i'm fairly certain our horns were not exposed at the time).
2. i mistakenly wore my cardigan with the giant yellow star of david patch when i left the house last night (hate it when that happens).
3. i was shouting passages of my bar mitzvah torah portion out as i walked (i was also rather intoxicated so this shouldn't be immediately dismissed).
i suppose a combination of any/all of the above is possible. unfortunately, i didn't have the chance to ask them before they drove away, so i guess we'll just be left to wonder.
anyway, back to my bag. like i was saying, it was glorious, having it with me and having the ability to comfortably carry all the stuff i usually cram into my pockets really made a difference.
and i'm not talking about some theoretical difference. no, no, this is a difference you can actually see.
because i had my bag, i decided to bring my camera with me to the concert, something that i normally wouldn't have done, as it would have been just one more thing to carry/worry about losing. but seeing as how that was not a problem...
a treat for all you kids who couldn't make it out last night. here's andrew bird performing 'weather systems'
in fact, i would say that the bag perhaps even exceeded my expectations. sure, i took some flak for walking around with "a glorified purse," but the ratio of flak taken to comfort achieved wasn't even close (certainly not anywhere near close to the level it would have needed to be in order to make me rethink my decision).
although, at one point a couple of (really) drunk people in a car screamed "heil hitler" at me and my brother while we were walking home after getting some late night food at the 101, but i'm pretty certain this had nothing to do with my bag.
to be honest, i have no idea what the reason was behind their religious epithet. however, possible explanations include:
1. they were bigoted, racist, anti-semites. they did have shaved heads/crew cuts, but they were foreign, armenian or maybe turkish (i'm not sure whether that makes this explanation more or less likely).
2. they were really, really, really shitfaced (and, as everyone knows, anti-semitic slurs are much more acceptable when you are really, really, really shitfaced).
3. they were method actors, still in character from whatever white supremacist/aryan youth themed movie they were working on (in which case, i commend them on the dedication to their craft).
also, (and perhaps even more perplexing then the slurs themselves) i'm still not entirely certain how they determined that we were jewish. it's not as if i (or my brother) walk around wearing a yarmulke or any other yid gear that would instantly identify me (or him) as being of the jewish persuasion. however, possible explanations include:
1. even sans yarmulke, we (apparently) look jewish...or at least jewish enough to warrant a "heil hitler" thrown at us (though i'm fairly certain our horns were not exposed at the time).
2. i mistakenly wore my cardigan with the giant yellow star of david patch when i left the house last night (hate it when that happens).
3. i was shouting passages of my bar mitzvah torah portion out as i walked (i was also rather intoxicated so this shouldn't be immediately dismissed).
i suppose a combination of any/all of the above is possible. unfortunately, i didn't have the chance to ask them before they drove away, so i guess we'll just be left to wonder.
anyway, back to my bag. like i was saying, it was glorious, having it with me and having the ability to comfortably carry all the stuff i usually cram into my pockets really made a difference.
and i'm not talking about some theoretical difference. no, no, this is a difference you can actually see.
because i had my bag, i decided to bring my camera with me to the concert, something that i normally wouldn't have done, as it would have been just one more thing to carry/worry about losing. but seeing as how that was not a problem...
a treat for all you kids who couldn't make it out last night. here's andrew bird performing 'weather systems'
Friday, July 10, 2009
Messenger Bag Continued
exciting times. tonight will be the first field test for my new messenger bag.
in just under 2 hours i'll be heading out to the greek theatre for an andrew bird concert, and i plan to do so with my pockets empty and my messenger bag full.
stay tuned for updates on how it performs.
in just under 2 hours i'll be heading out to the greek theatre for an andrew bird concert, and i plan to do so with my pockets empty and my messenger bag full.
stay tuned for updates on how it performs.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
A New Vagina Lifting World Record
this just in --
a russian woman has set a new world record in (what i imagine to be) the highly competitive sport of vagina lifting!
congratulations to Tatiata Kozhevnikova of Novosibirsk, aged 42. she has been in training for 15 years and has finally won the bragging rights after lifting a 14kg glass ball.
as you are all i'm sure aware, vagina lifting takes place by inserting a vagina ball into your vagina. this ball has a string attached to it with a little hook at the very end, you then fix a second ball onto this hook, and lift.
but there's more then just world records at stake. according to Tatiata, "it's enough to exercise your vagina five minutes a day, ladies, and in just one week you'll be able to give yourself and your man unforgettable pleasure in bed."
what are you waiting for ladies, start lifting!
Man Born With Two Penises Removes One
awkward thursday continues with the story of a man who recently had one of his two penises removed after his lover made him choose between her or the second penis.
apparently having two penises (penii?) is an actual (albeit extremely rare) medical condition called diphallus. There are about 100 such reported cases of diphallus around the world and it is known to occur among one in 5.5 million men.
to be honest i'm not sure why someone would want to throw away a perfectly good second penis, but maybe that's just me.
for photos google at your own risk.
apparently having two penises (penii?) is an actual (albeit extremely rare) medical condition called diphallus. There are about 100 such reported cases of diphallus around the world and it is known to occur among one in 5.5 million men.
to be honest i'm not sure why someone would want to throw away a perfectly good second penis, but maybe that's just me.
for photos google at your own risk.
Awkward Family Photos
so by now i'll assume you've all had the chance to check out the glory that is awkward family photos. but what you haven't had the chance yet to see is the photo that i will be submitting.
best matching outfits ever.
best matching outfits ever.
Prepare Yourself For Something Awkward...
once again, quite possibly the best 2 minutes and 7 seconds of your week. god bless the interwebs and affordable video cameras.
Awkward Thursday
I hereby decree today, thursday july 9th, 2009 to be awkward thursday, a day for celebrating all things awkward.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Messenger Bag
earlier today i bought a small-sized messenger bag (see photo: yes that's an eagle patch. it's awesome, i know).i already own a large(r) messenger bag (sans patch), which i use to carry my laptop around in, and as a carry on bag when i travel.
the reason for the new bag is that lately i've found i've been walking around with way too much stuff in my pockets (notepad, pen, phone, ipod, camera, glasses, sunglasses, etc.), and to be honest, it's not very comfortable.
now i suppose i could just try to cut down on the number of things in my pockets, but most of the stuff i carry i tend to use on a (semi) regular basis.
in the past i've tried to use the large(r) bag for the carrying of said items, but it has so far proved ineffective in that i end up walking around with a (more than) half empty bag that is usually more nuisance then nuisance preventing (like when i try to take it to the movies or a concert and there's no where to comfortably put it other than on my lap).
so, basically, i was left with 2 options:
1. buy a man purse aka a murse -- the problem here is that i'm pretty sure i'm not fashion forward enough to pull that look off (also, i didn't want to have to worry about a multiple murse scenario wherein i start buying murses to go with the different kinds of outfits i am wearing. e.g. an evening murse for dressier occasions vs my every day murse for the casual man).
or
2. buy the smaller sized (11" x 9.5" x 3.5" for anyone wondering) messenger bag -- which, as you already know, is the option i went with.
but this is not really a story about my new messenger bag...no, this is a story about the store where the bag was purchased (and the other people shopping there at the time). for, you see, today when i went to buy my new messenger bag i did so at the army surplus store.
for those of you who have never been, the army surplus store is a wonderful place to shop (good selection, great prices, and some of the most interesting people you're liable to come across on any given day of your life).
basically, for every one person who is shopping at the store for a small sized messenger bag to hold his geek equipment in, there's (at least) one person who is shopping at the store for survival gear for when armageddon arrives.
today i was lucky enough to encounter 2 such people.
the first, an elderly gentleman, was busy stocking up on supplies (hunting knives, rope, water purification tablets, a gas mask, a geiger counter, and a machete). but he was kind enough to take a few minutes out of his day to explain to me that the key to post apocalyptic survival (if your lucky enough to survive the initial blasts and fallout) is an ample supply of potable water and the ability to defend any "sons-of-bitches" trying to "thieve" said supply.
he recommended always having at least one large duffel bag full of weapons in your home for the latter and at least one small duffel bag full of weapons safely stashed somewhere outside of your house in case you are either a) not home when the apocalypse comes or b)forced into a situation where you must retake your house from any post-apocalyptic squatters who have taken up residence while you were hunkered down somewhere else waiting for the fallout to pass.
the second, a younger man but just as squirrelly looking, was on a quest to find the fatigues that the special forces soldiers wore in transformers 2. yes, he had photos. unfortunately, for him, they did not have any fatigues in the store that were an exact match. fortunately, for me, i did get to hear his reasoning behind the quest for these fatigues and i quote, "no, they have to be an exact match, only then will people know i am serious enough to kill a robot."
i considered offering my opinion, that he seemed serious enough to kill a robot exactly how he was dressed right then (jeans, black boots, and a camo top), but in the end i decided that it was probably for the best to just keep my mouth shut. generally speaking, i find people who want others to know they are serious enough to kill robots are people best left alone.
and so, having paid for my bag, i left. my pockets now considerably less full, but my intentions to return to the store again in the near future (even if i don't need to buy anything) greatly increased.
The Plight Of The Porn Star Continues
"getting it on in one hardcore scene after another just isn't as much fun." -- Savanna Samson
looks like things just keep getting worse for our friends in the adult entertainment industry. coming on the heels of the news that an HIV scare was sweeping through the biz, comes this article from the ny times detailing the recent decrease in plot and dialogue from porn films.
the reason why. the internet.
"on the Internet, the average attention span is three to five minutes,” said Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment. “We have to cater to that.”
sigh.
don't you realize what's happening people? all of you who only use sites like youporn and redtube for your porn watching needs, you're killing the porn star.
sure you laugh now, but extrapolate for a moment. consider a future when being a porn star no longer requires anything other than the ability to give or take a dick on camera. is that really a future you want to live in?
i for one, do not.
i want my porn stars to be well rounded. i want them to not only be able to give or take a dick, i want them to do it with a winning personality (see: Jeremy, Ron and Lords, Traci). otherwise why have porn stars at all? we might as well start replacing porn stars with digital people (like in that al pacino movie, Simone). is that what you want? to watch digital people fuck?
no, i didn't think so. thankfully, there is still hope.
Wicked Pictures, which averages one production a week, still plans to make two to three bigger-budget releases each year, including the recently shot “2040,” which is about the pornography business of the future.
Mr. Steve Orenstein, president of Wicked pictures, described the movie as “an almost Romeo-and-Juliet story between an aging porn star and a cyborg.”
now that's smut i can get behind (figuratively speaking).
so please, next time you're gonna watch some porn, remember, your choice matters.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Weekend Recap
ye gods i am tired.
this weekend took quite the toll. so much so that i considered holding off on posting a recap of events until tomorrow, but i figured that decision might incite a riot in the blogosphere rivaled only by the post palin resignation announcement buzz from friday...speaking of which, have you watched her rambling speech yet? jesus man, i love me some good career self-immolation, but sarah took things to new levels with this one.
i've probably watched/listened to her speech about 10 times and i'm still undecided as to what my favorite part is. i mean, given that this was a speech about how she is resigning there's this passage which definitely gets the irony prize:
"Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and "go with the flow". Nah, only dead fish 'go with the flow'."
but i think if forced to choose i'd go with her final lines, as they seem to encapsulate best everything we've come to know and love about her...
"In the words of General MacArthur said, "We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction."
brilliant.
anyway...back to the weekend.
things started out on friday with a viewing of "the hurt locker." an excellent film that i highly recommend about a bomb disposal unit in iraq.
the party continued saturday morning as joey chestnut successfully defended his I.F.O.C.E. nathan's ho
t dog eating championship belt by eating 68 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes, 3 1/2 more than takeru kobayashi of japan, his arch-rival.
it was a glorious moment to kick off independence day and it brought tears to my eyes, as we are, as one commentator put it, "entering the golden age of competitive eating," and we are doing so with an american seated at the head of the table.
at this point the party shifted from watching other people eat and drink, to actively participating.
and as for what followed...well, i actually assign partial blame to joey chestnut for what followed, as it was his rousing and motivational performance that led me to begin consuming margaritas, eating bbq, and celebrating at a pace better left to the trained professional athletes of the competitive eating world.
suffice to say by about 6:30pm i was in bad, bad shape. like walking up to the edge of disaster, leaning over, and almost falling in, bad shape. basically, i was nascar drunk (maybe more).
but i managed to hang on (or in this case lie down for a few hours) and by around 11:30 or so I had recovered enough to eat some cake, and i think this would have made joey chestnut proud.
as for sunday, well most of the morning was spent recovering, but the evening was spent at the hollywood bowl for the death cab for cutie (w/ the la phil) concert. the new pornographers and tegan and sara opened.
all in all a very good show (although, i was a little upset that the new pornographers only played for 30 min. and death cab only played for about 75).
but nit picking aside, the finale of the show was death cab playing transatlanticism with the phil, culminating with a fireworks display. it was simply put, transcedent, and easily 9 of the best minutes of my concert going life...
this weekend took quite the toll. so much so that i considered holding off on posting a recap of events until tomorrow, but i figured that decision might incite a riot in the blogosphere rivaled only by the post palin resignation announcement buzz from friday...speaking of which, have you watched her rambling speech yet? jesus man, i love me some good career self-immolation, but sarah took things to new levels with this one.
i've probably watched/listened to her speech about 10 times and i'm still undecided as to what my favorite part is. i mean, given that this was a speech about how she is resigning there's this passage which definitely gets the irony prize:
"Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and "go with the flow". Nah, only dead fish 'go with the flow'."
and then there's the award for best mixed metaphor --
but i think if forced to choose i'd go with her final lines, as they seem to encapsulate best everything we've come to know and love about her...
"In the words of General MacArthur said, "We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction."
brilliant.
anyway...back to the weekend.
things started out on friday with a viewing of "the hurt locker." an excellent film that i highly recommend about a bomb disposal unit in iraq.
the party continued saturday morning as joey chestnut successfully defended his I.F.O.C.E. nathan's ho
t dog eating championship belt by eating 68 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes, 3 1/2 more than takeru kobayashi of japan, his arch-rival.it was a glorious moment to kick off independence day and it brought tears to my eyes, as we are, as one commentator put it, "entering the golden age of competitive eating," and we are doing so with an american seated at the head of the table.
at this point the party shifted from watching other people eat and drink, to actively participating.
and as for what followed...well, i actually assign partial blame to joey chestnut for what followed, as it was his rousing and motivational performance that led me to begin consuming margaritas, eating bbq, and celebrating at a pace better left to the trained professional athletes of the competitive eating world.
suffice to say by about 6:30pm i was in bad, bad shape. like walking up to the edge of disaster, leaning over, and almost falling in, bad shape. basically, i was nascar drunk (maybe more).
but i managed to hang on (or in this case lie down for a few hours) and by around 11:30 or so I had recovered enough to eat some cake, and i think this would have made joey chestnut proud.
as for sunday, well most of the morning was spent recovering, but the evening was spent at the hollywood bowl for the death cab for cutie (w/ the la phil) concert. the new pornographers and tegan and sara opened.
all in all a very good show (although, i was a little upset that the new pornographers only played for 30 min. and death cab only played for about 75).
but nit picking aside, the finale of the show was death cab playing transatlanticism with the phil, culminating with a fireworks display. it was simply put, transcedent, and easily 9 of the best minutes of my concert going life...
Friday, July 3, 2009
The A-Hole Tastes Funny
commercial for the new biscuit holes at hardee's. god bless the ad company who came up with the spot.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Wildwood, NJ
ahh, memories from summers' past (and we wonder why nj gets a bad rap).
this is for anyone who grew up on or spent any significant time on the jersey shore (and by significant time, 2 hours is probably enough to count).
this is for anyone who grew up on or spent any significant time on the jersey shore (and by significant time, 2 hours is probably enough to count).
Where Babies Come From (In Germany)
hat tip to muppet legs for the link (be sure to click through all pages)personally, i enjoyed learning that german doctors have (apparently) perfected a delivery method that requires no hands on involvement.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Ask A Mime?
after seeing the news yesterday that two more blogs, Texts From Last Night and Look At This Fucking Hipster, landed book deals at Penguin's Gotham Books imprint in the past week, i spent the past 24 hours considering whether this blog might have what it takes to score the next deal. sadly, the conclusion i reached was no, not yet at any rate.but i did come up with an idea that i think is a bona fide winner and sure to one day land me a sweet six figure contract.
drum roll...prepare yourself for...coming soon...Ask A Mime!
the concept is simple really. basically the site will work just like the well known site Ask A Ninja, except all answers will be acted out by (me dressed as) a mime via video posts.
two words: gold mine. or falling short of that, at the very least i suppose it will be good cross training for next year's air sex championships.
The Top Ten Grub Trucks In Los Angeles
after you've received (and probably used) your special delivery, here's some information that might come in handy...
a list of the top ten grub trucks in los angeles.
a list of the top ten grub trucks in los angeles.
eBay Item Of The Day
my god. is there any part of the body that's not for sale to advertise on.
personally i'm waiting for someone to put ad space in their womb up for auction...then when they get pregnant, i'd have 9 uninterrupted months to create a loyal customer.
personally i'm waiting for someone to put ad space in their womb up for auction...then when they get pregnant, i'd have 9 uninterrupted months to create a loyal customer.
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