2009 Los Angeles Air Sex Championships Recap

i came, i saw, i air sexed, i air came.

put it in the books. the 2009 los angeles air sex championships are over.

by now most of you probably know that i ended up unexpectedly competing in the competition (and for those of you who didn't know, these pictures are probably quickly bringing you up to speed).

when i first learned of the air sex championships a couple of weeks ago, upon seeing a listing for the competition on the echoplex website, i instantly knew this was something that i wanted to be a part of, something that i wanted to experience live and in person (and after a brief search of youtube to watch some of the past performances, wanted, quickly changed to needed), but i never in a million years dreamed of competing.

so, you ask, how did it all happen? well, like most things in life, it started with the promise of free alcohol...

while waiting in line to get in, one of the organizers began making his plea to try and find some "walk-up" competitors, as they only had around 5 people who had signed up in advance (clearly not nearly enough to provide a full evening's worth of air sex entertainment -- not to mention not enough to maintain the integrity of the championships by providing a field of competitors large enough to ensure the los angeles crown, when won, would be fully earned).

as i heard him begin making his pitch, offering free drink tickets, free admission, plus the opportunity to become a legend, i began to contemplate. maybe i should compete. maybe i should go for the glory. i mean, how often does an opportunity like this come around? at best this was a chance to do something that could instantly alter the course of my life. a chance to start me down a path that would eventually lead to my travelling all over the world, living like a rock star, and representing los angeles as an air sex champion...and at worst it was something that might look good on my resume.

after a brief consultation with my friends, it was decided. i was in.

alex lerner was gonna air sex.

the announcement sent shockwaves through the crowd (and by crowd, i mean the 3 other people i was there with). i hadn't seen excitment like this in a really long time...arguably, perhaps, not since it was announced that daniel larusso was gonna fight in the finals at the all valley karate tournament.

immediately i started to focus. the first thing i had to do was decide on a name and pick a song to air sex to. i settled on captain jack hammer (w/ apologies to nick for any copywright infringement) as my air sex name, and chose "afternoon delight" for my song.

the second thing i had to do was to start drinking. heavily. i made my way to the bar and ordered 3 kamikaze shots and a beer. after throwing the shots back and chugging the beer it was on to the next step, ordering another beer and figuring out some sort of routine.

unfortunately, having decided to do this at the last minute, i was at a serious disadvantage next to some of my fellow air sex competitors, some of whom had arrived with costumes and props (including, but not limited to: condoms, silly string - to spray the audience with when they "finished," bedazzled underwear, a glue on pornstache, a gay porn magazine, and a steve urkel doll).

i began to scour the club (and the deep, dark recesses of my mind) for anything i could use...and there, in the far corner tucked away behind the merchandise table, i spotted a swivel chair, and a plan began to take shape.

i took the chair and made my way backstage to the holding area, where i met my fellow competitors. they had come from all over: from the westside, south bay, the valley, hollywood, los feliz, and downtown. they had names like cockalicious, mister amy, nine inch nailing, shanghai slammer, and brown town, and they were all ready to get their air sex on (or in the words of brown town ready to "grip it and rip it").

there was a real sense of camaraderie between us, an instant bond if you will, forged by what we were all about to do.

soon i struck up a conversation with a young lady whose nom de air sex was veronica feather. her dress was short, her speech was slurred and she had trouble standing, but who was i to judge. veronica quickly informed me that she was a) really nervous b) bi-sexual and c)going to air sex a threesome in which she would be air eating a chick out while she was getting air pounded from behind.

classy, i replied, and wished her luck.

but veronica wasn't done talking to me, as she then proceeded to drunkenly whisper into my ear (and by drunkenly whisper, i mean scream) that perhaps if i held her hand it might help calm her down. and so, being the gentleman that i am, i reached out and grasped her hand in mine and told her that everything was going to be fine.

at this point, ms. feather pulled me into the nearby hallway and asked if perhaps i might be willing to take her into the bathroom and "sex her for real." her theory being that having real sex would help her nerves and allow her to give the best possible air sex performance she could.

i politely declined, but again expressed my confidence that she would probably do just fine (or at the very least given her current state of inebriation, remember very little of it the next day).

she laughed, grabbed my crotch, and tried to shove her tongue down my throat. but in a classy kind of way.

again, i politely declined her advances (seeing as how i had no intention of coming home from an air sex competition with a real case of herpes), and luckily i was saved from having to deflect any further attempts on her part to maul me, as the competition was about to start...and lo and behold the emcee announced veronica feather was first to compete.

slowly, she stumbled her way onto the stage. the music began to play, the crowd began to cheer, and veronica feather began to air sex. the result was as expected.

afterward, veronica stumbled down off the stage and exited the backstage area to "get some air." she was never seen or heard from again.

but the competition continued and i'm pleased to say the air sex bar was raised higher and higher as the night wore on:

brown town
cockalicious
chubby the junk master
mister amy
shanghai slammer

soon my name was called and it was my turn to perform. the soothing sweet sounds of afternoon delight filled the room...

Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
gonna grab some afternoon delight

and i gave it my all.



unfortunately, my all was not quite good enough and i didn't make it to the finals (shanghai slammer was eventually crowned the la air sex champion). but i did have two nice (reasonably sober) young women come up to me later in the evening to tell me that i had delivered their favorite air sex performance of the evening, and that regardless of the official outcome, i was their air sex champion (hearing this warmed my heart).

and so i left the echoplex with my head held high, proud of what i had accomplished.

all things considered, given the circumstances (i.e. deciding to compete and putting a routine together at the last minute) i think i did quite well.

now it seems the question everyone wants to know is, do i have any regrets?

yeah. i have some regrets. i regret that i didn't win...

but next year the air sex championship is mine!