Correction Department

upon exiting our vehicle the other day, my brother and i were not, in point of fact, face to face with a 6′3″ transvestite.

the more accurate description - i was face to surgically enhanced chest, whereas my brother was face to bulge.

A Giant Waste Of Time

I knew it. I have long suspected that everything I learned as a child in school was a giant waste of time, and today my suspicions were confirmed.

For those of you who have not yet heard, Pluto is no longer a planet. Yes, leading astronomers had been meeting this past week to decide the fate of the solar system…and when all the votes were in, Pluto was out.

Therefore there are now only 8 planets, which are defined as:

“a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a … nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.”

Pluto, for those wondering, is automatically disqualified because its oblong orbit overlaps with Neptune’s. It will now instead be reclassified as a “dwarf planet.”

Now, maybe this decision might be popular among these alleged astronomers who had the final decision in this matter, but i worry that this is a slippery slope we’ve started down, and to be honest i am downright fearful of what else might prove to be useless in the coming years.

Just think how many minutes were wasted trying to learn the planets way back when. Time that could have been spent doing more important things like playing video games, or watching tv, or eating crayons (or however else you chose to spend your free time as a child). I imagine that at least 5-10 minutes could have been saved had I needed to only learn 8 planets as opposed to (the at the time correct amount of) nine.

And I ask you, what’s next?

Will they decide in a few years that Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species is no longer the proper way to classify things in Biology? Will I be forced to come up with some other mnemonic device besides King Phillip Came Over From Great Spain in order to sort it out? How long will that take?

Am I going to wake up tomorrow and find out some new element has been discovered to the periodic table? That it slides in between Selenium and Bromine. And now Bromine has become 36, and Krypton is 37, and Rubidium 38, etc…

Or, perhaps someone is going to finally declare once and for all that Grover Cleveland should only be counted one time as President, and that all the other numbers from 22 on are one off (because even if he was elected to 2 non-consecutive terms, he is still only one man and so really there’s only been 42 men to ever hold the office).

Where will it end?

Is nothing sacred?

I will tell you that looking back this evening on all the time I (potentially) wasted, I am extremely grateful for one thing…

That I refused to attempt to learn the metric system. A decision, which I might add, that led to a D for one marking period in 7th grade.

Ms. Hennessey, my science teacher, did not accept my logic that Americans didn’t need to learn the metric system because as the leaders of the free world other countries would adapt to whatever system of measurements we wanted to use.

And that there was no chance the metric system would ever become the dominant system of measuring in the United States, and therefore it was foolish to spend the time trying to learn all the conversions.

I remember she laughed at me, telling me that I had a narrow view of the importance of the metric system and that someday in the future I’d be grateful that I knew that 100 feet is equal to 3.05 dekameters or approximately 30.5 meters.

Well, who’s laughing now Ms. Hennessey? Who’s laughing now?

ew to area. looking for adventurous playmates. clean and fun.

so, my time at myspace is going well so far…which isn’t to say that there hasn’t been any issues.

seems like myspace and macs do not get along very well…as although (at myspace’s suggestion) i am using either safari or firefox as my browser, i’ve still been having trouble loading pages and viewing images. in fact, at one point this afternoon my account was shut down for “maintenance” due to the high volume of error messages they kept receiving from my computer.

anyways, it seems to have been worked out (as evidenced by my ability to post this blog).

the other issue that i’m dealing with (and only slightly less annoying) is the large number of friend requests i keep getting from the apparently large number of nymphomaniacs who when they’re not “banging complete strangers,” spend their free time using myspace.

most of these women have names like kiana, lena, tami, faith, etc.

and you have to wonder about what goes through people’s minds when they bestow one of these aforementioned names on their daughters at their births. they really aren’t giving them too many options down the road.

take faith for example…with that name, that girl was pretty much guaranteed a life of either an extremely devout religious person or a total whore. 50-50. and i ask, as a parent, are those odds you’re comfortable with?

the other thing that confuses me, is that all of these women apparently have the same learning disability…that is the inability to use the letter n as the first letter in a word. as they all claim they are “ew to area,” whereas i suspect they really mean they are new (though even this claim is probably suspect).

i wonder if this is a documented disabilty. perhaps it might be found in the same family as heinsbergen syndrome?

whatever the case maybe…ladies, i wish you all the best of luck, however i must regretfully decline your request to be my friend.

Late Night Groceries

last evening, for a change, i decided to do some grocery shopping at 11:30pm. this decision was precipitated by the fact that lately grocery shopping has taken up way too much time during my days, thereby hindering my ability to do a lot of writing (I suppose the size of my fridge is also playing a part - as the inability to keep large amounts of food on hand is obviously directly related to the frequency with which grocery shopping is required).

thankfully, here in Hollywood there is a 24 hour Ralphs close by that makes late night grocery shopping possible.

now, as many of you are aware, Hollywood is filled with freaks, and apparently this segment of the population tend to comprise the majority of customers who do their grocery shopping late at night.

but the strange thing about being in a grocery store full of freaks is how immune or numb everyone seems to be to the behavior of some.

por ejemplo, there was a gentleman whose, as far as i can tell, sole purpose in the store last night was to walk up down every aisle while repeating the phrase, “where are the cookies?”

now, normally, this sort of behavior would, during the day at any rate, lead to more than just myself stopping their shopping to observe…and yet, as he continued to mumble, I seemed to be the only one paying any attention to his behavior (fyi — upon discovering the cookies he proclaimed, “here they are.” at which point he then left the store).

i suppose if you do your shopping late at night, you just come to expect this kind of thing…though i would imagine that no matter how often i saw a man walking up and down the aisles mumbling to himself about the location of baked goods, i would still continue to stop whatever it was that i was in the middle of in order to observe (perhaps, that’s just me).

either way, i think there might be a new time for grocery shopping in my life.

Embracing Technology

I’ve been resisting this for a while now, but it seems like my defenses are starting to wear thin. I think that I am finally going to break down and create a MySpace page.

Back when the initial Friendster and MySpace page craze hit, I declined any participation on the basis that I was looking to avoid contact with a certain element of people that I had been exposed to in the past and who you could say existed on the outer fringes of my social circle.

My thinking was that I didn’t want these people knowing anything at all about my life, and though it was bad enough that they continued (to some extent) to inquire from my friends as to what I was up to, I didn’t think I needed to facilitate this task and provide all the information they were seeking with the few clicks of a mouse.

Eventually, however, I felt that there was enough distance between me and said element (both literally and figuratively as my move across country came) and I relented to sign up here at Friendster so that I could hopefully utilize one more tool at my disposal thanks to the wonders to technology in order to try and keep up with the group of people who I still wanted in my life.

Now, I believe I’ve reached a point where the only people who would care to check out what was going on in my life (as much as one can on either Friendster or MySpace) are the people who I care about and vice versa, as well as complete strangers…which is exactly how these things should be.

And so, after some soul searching I believe it is time to add a MySpace page to part of my online existence. I think that if all my friends were on Friendster this would be a non-issue, however, there are in fact a portion of people i know who only belong to MySpace. And so we exist together but in a state of disconnect here on the social pages of the internet, and so I look to once again bridge the technological space that keeps us apart.

MySpace here I come.

The Descent

If you are looking for a really disturbing way to spend an hour and a half go see The Descent.

I saw this film earlier this afternoon, and believe me when i tell you, it is one of the best horror films you will ever see. Well made, extremely scary, with an artistic aesthetic foreign to most films of this genre made today.

I don’t really have too much else to say, as i’m not really looking to discuss the film itself anymore than i already have in this venue.

But, trust me, if you like horror/scary films, run, do not walk, to the theater and see this film. You won’t be disappointed. You will be disturbed.

The Fate Of The World

I cut my finger this evening. sliced it open on the part of the aluminum foil box that is normally used to help tear the foil off cleanly. it hurt. however, i will not let it affect my good mood. why am i in a good mood you ask? because today i read that paris hilton has decided to become celibate for the next year.

this is, in fact, some of the greatest news i’ve heard in a long time. i know the odds are slim, but perhaps paris will find the celibate life so rewarding and fulfilling that she’ll decide to keep it up for longer than a year. maybe she’ll eventually decide that this is how she wants to live the rest of her life. this would be the greatest thing ever, as this would mean that she will bare no offspring.

the world is already a whole lot worse off now that britney spears is popping out babies left and right…perhaps if paris hilton decides to never have children this will help to balance out the number of people who are doing all they can to destroy the solid principles of darwinism that are supposed to help us get better/stronger/smarter in the future.

sure, we’re still one of the greatest nations in the world at the moment…but you wait and see how great we are the more britney and k-fed contribute to the gene pool.

so, if paris hilton can somehow manage to keep this up, i for one will never again say that she has not done anything for the greater good.

Killing Time In The Airport

killing some time in the jet blue terminal at jfk, getting ready to fly back to LA, so i thought i’d do some blogging.

there are whispers of storms in the late afternoon forecast, so hopefully my flight gets out of here on time or at least without any significant delays.

the trip back east was good. saw spamalot which i thoroughly enjoyed. attended the wedding, a good time had by all. saw my friends and fam. and caught the mets game last night as the mets beat the phils 8-1.

you might have noticed that there is a link to one of my films now up on my profile, so if you haven’t checked it out yet, feel free. you’ll also get to see me interviewed afterwards, not to mention i’m sporting some kick ass long hair which took me about 8 months to grow out. these days my hair is much shorter, so for those people looking for physical evidence of my alleged long haired days, there you have it.

alright, about 40 min till boarding begins, so i’m gonna go and see about grabbing some food for my on flight meal.

later kids.

Eastward Bound

I’m off to the East Coast for about a week as I attend my cousin’s wedding on Friday and then spend the rest of the days with friends and the fam…

so blogging will probably be on hiatus until i return.

in other news…i am done teaching the tykes…and needless to say, i am a lot happier now that my days no longer begin at 5:30 and consist of nearly 3 hours driving to and from work.

anyways…that’s really all i gots at the moment…