leave it to the germans. it seems the next evolution in sex dolls is upon us...
introducing: sex androids.
that's right, you can now have sex with a robot (just what your 9 year old inner geek always dreamed of).
so what makes these "sex androids" so special you ask? well, they have 'hearts' that beat harder during sex, they also breathe harder during sex, and they have internal heaters to raise their body temperature during sex...but their feet stay cold "just like in real life," according to developer michael harriman (perfect for that post coitus game of robot footsie).
but the wonders don't stop there, oh no, the model can also be made to move by remote control, wiggling her hips under the bedclothes and making other suggestive movements -- all at the touch of a button.
hmm...i wonder if ryan gosling would be up for a sequel.
(via joe rogan)
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Victory Is Mine!
I did it.
my quest to get ads on my site for amputee related products/services is, in just under a week's time, a success.
as you can see below (right above the ad for seth rogen's super jew t-shirt) there is now an ad for anyone interested in finding single amputee women in their area on my blog.
awesome.
this concludes the amputee focused content portion of my blogging (unless other amputee stories of note come my way).
my quest to get ads on my site for amputee related products/services is, in just under a week's time, a success.
as you can see below (right above the ad for seth rogen's super jew t-shirt) there is now an ad for anyone interested in finding single amputee women in their area on my blog.
awesome.
this concludes the amputee focused content portion of my blogging (unless other amputee stories of note come my way).
scientology? really ad sense, really?
i suppose it was all that talk of schizophrenia, which is actually kinda scary. the good folks at scientology must comb high and low to find any related content on mental illness, seeing as how it makes for such potentially fertile breeding ground for their message.
that's right, embrace scientology and you no longer have to suffer through a life of paranoid delusional schizophrenia (provided, of course, you have the money to audit for long enough to cure what ails you).
though this begs the question...is this really the best use of scientology resources? i mean, how many schizophrenics are functional enough to a) use a computer b) get onto the internet c) see one of these ads and d) comprehend the message the ad actually intended for them (as opposed to the message their cat has been repeating ad nauseam for the last 6 hours? -- alright, alright, i get it, i must kill the queen).
then again, now that i think about it, schizophrenics are probably just as (if not more) mentally sound as anyone who legitimately believes in the fundamental tenets of a religion based around aliens and an evil overlord named xenu (to be fair though i guess that also applies to pretty much anyone who seriously believes in the hocus pocus and magic tricks from any major religion).
sigh.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Homeless Encounters
there are a lot of homeless people in los angeles. in fact, an estimated 254,000 men, women, and children experienced homelessness in los angeles county during some part of the last year, and approximately 82,000 people are homeless on any given night.
so, depending on where you live and what you're doing, chances are good that you will encounter/see a homeless person on any given day. for me, living in hollywood, it's pretty much a guarantee every time i leave my house...like today.
now the homeless in hollywood are a particularly diverse bunch, ranging from the packs of runaway teens to the creepy woman who sits in her wheelchair near the post office cradling a puppet in her lap and everything in between (including, but not limited to: the down on their luck, the alcoholics/drug addicts, the soon to be famous, and the schizophrenics -- the puppet woman may or may not be a member of this group...she may or may not be a member of the second to last group too).
now, how i interact with a homeless person tends to vary depending on which of the aforementioned groups i think they belong to.
for instance, i tend to not give homeless people money (at least not directly) because i don't like being lied to and the reality is i just can't trust whether or not they are actually a "down on their luck" person who is going to use the money to buy food, or an "alcoholic/drug addict" person who is going to use the money to buy alcohol or drugs (the exception to this case is the rare occasion where i've come across a homeless person with a sign that reads something to the effect "not gonna lie, need money for booze." i pretty much always give that guy money if for no other reason then to reward his honesty).
i have a little more sympathy for the homeless youth, even though i know there's still a chance that if i give them money they'll use it for something other then what they claim. which is why when i run into them outside the grocery store, instead of giving them money, i'll often just buy them a jar of peanut butter or some cheese.
the hardest group to interact with, as you may have already guessed, are the schizophrenics...mostly because they don't interact with you as much as they just shout stuff incoherently in your direction.
when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic, i usually keep my head down, quicken my pace, count my blessings that neither i nor anyone else i care about is a homeless schizophrenic, and bemoan the fact that we as a country don't do more to provide better care for the weakest among us.
then again, usually when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic they are standing on a corner or sitting on the sidewalk or lying in some alley, as opposed to say repeatedly kicking the front passenger tire on my car, which, coincidentally, is how today's encounter with a homeless schizophrenic began.
i had gone to cvs to pick up a few things and upon pulling into the parking lot noticed a homeless person standing in said lot exhibiting all the classic signs of schizophrenia (incoherent speech. check. neglect of personal hygiene. check. angry outbursts. check).
but he seemed to be mostly keeping to himself so i didn't pay him too much attention when i parked and went inside. once inside it was business as usual, i collected the items i came for, waited in line to check out, told the cashier i did not have my cvs card on me, and paid. and that's when things got interesting...
i exited the store and there he was kicking the shit out of my front tire (pausing every few seconds to scream at it). slowly, i approached trying to determine what the best course of action was. eventually, i decided i would first try talking to him. after all, he was, regardless of his condition, still a human being.
"sir, um, excuse me, that's my car your kicking."
no response.
i tried again, "excuse me, sir, can you please stop kicking my tire, i'd like to leave."
this time he stopped. he looked up at me and for the slightest of moments i saw what i thought was the glimmer of recognition behind his eyes that reminds people to not repeatedly kick the tire on a stranger's car.
but, alas, the moment soon passed. he screamed something at me that sounded like "gorillas don't run up hot dog nation" (though i could be mistaken) and returned to the task at hand, kicking my tire.
at this point i paused to regroup and consider my options (i also made a mental note to consider getting one of those car alarms key chains, my thinking being had i had one of these alarms and pushed the button on the key chain, the alarm probably would have scared him away):
option a. call the police -- upside, a presumably safe solution to resolve the situation. downside, i'd have to wait for the police to show up and probably would be stuck dealing with the situation for a lot longer then i would have liked.
option b. try and lure him away from my car by any means necessary and in the ensuing chaos make my escape -- upside, a presumably quicker resolution to the situation. downside, results not guaranteed, let alone guaranteed safe.
well, suffice to say, i opted for option b (with the caveat that if i was still trying to get him away from my car for longer then 5 minutes i would initiate option a).
so i reached into my pocket, pulled out a handful of change, yelled "hey" at the man, and when he turned to look at me i threw the change away from my car towards the far end of the parking lot. he watched transfixed as the change landed with symphony of clangs, he then mumbled (incoherently) and returned his attention to my tire (i.e. kicking it).
now, had this encounter taken place a couple of weeks ago, this moment would have probably signaled the end of my attempts to distract the homeless guy and get him away from my car without having to resort to calling the po-po. BUT thanks to the awesomeness that is my messenger bag, i still had one more card to play.
i opened up my bag and searched through its contents looking for something that i could use, and there at the very bottom of the bag was the super bouncy ball i had tossed in a few days ago in case i was out and about and in need of keeping myself entertained (also now in the bag for these purposes: silly putty, a slinky, and a yo-yo).
i pulled the super bouncy ball out (it was one of those rainbow colored ones), once again yelled, "hey," and then threw...
guy took off chasing after it like it had the secrets to life contained inside.
quickly, i ran around to the driver's side, unlocked my car, and got in. i looked up just in time to see him finally corral the ball into his hands, and he looked up just in time to see me start the ignition.
for a moment we both stared at each other, like something out of some bizarre david lynch western movie not yet made. then he blinked and took off running away from me and out of the parking lot, super bouncy ball still in hand.
i watched for a moment as he continued to get further away, and as i watched i considered where on the scale of exploitative and inappropriate behavior my choice to essentially treat this man like a dog by luring him away from my car with a modified game of fetch fell.
eventually concluding that he seemed a lot happier with the super bouncy ball then he ever did kicking my tire.
so, depending on where you live and what you're doing, chances are good that you will encounter/see a homeless person on any given day. for me, living in hollywood, it's pretty much a guarantee every time i leave my house...like today.
now the homeless in hollywood are a particularly diverse bunch, ranging from the packs of runaway teens to the creepy woman who sits in her wheelchair near the post office cradling a puppet in her lap and everything in between (including, but not limited to: the down on their luck, the alcoholics/drug addicts, the soon to be famous, and the schizophrenics -- the puppet woman may or may not be a member of this group...she may or may not be a member of the second to last group too).
now, how i interact with a homeless person tends to vary depending on which of the aforementioned groups i think they belong to.
for instance, i tend to not give homeless people money (at least not directly) because i don't like being lied to and the reality is i just can't trust whether or not they are actually a "down on their luck" person who is going to use the money to buy food, or an "alcoholic/drug addict" person who is going to use the money to buy alcohol or drugs (the exception to this case is the rare occasion where i've come across a homeless person with a sign that reads something to the effect "not gonna lie, need money for booze." i pretty much always give that guy money if for no other reason then to reward his honesty).
i have a little more sympathy for the homeless youth, even though i know there's still a chance that if i give them money they'll use it for something other then what they claim. which is why when i run into them outside the grocery store, instead of giving them money, i'll often just buy them a jar of peanut butter or some cheese.
the hardest group to interact with, as you may have already guessed, are the schizophrenics...mostly because they don't interact with you as much as they just shout stuff incoherently in your direction.
when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic, i usually keep my head down, quicken my pace, count my blessings that neither i nor anyone else i care about is a homeless schizophrenic, and bemoan the fact that we as a country don't do more to provide better care for the weakest among us.
then again, usually when i encounter a homeless schizophrenic they are standing on a corner or sitting on the sidewalk or lying in some alley, as opposed to say repeatedly kicking the front passenger tire on my car, which, coincidentally, is how today's encounter with a homeless schizophrenic began.
i had gone to cvs to pick up a few things and upon pulling into the parking lot noticed a homeless person standing in said lot exhibiting all the classic signs of schizophrenia (incoherent speech. check. neglect of personal hygiene. check. angry outbursts. check).
but he seemed to be mostly keeping to himself so i didn't pay him too much attention when i parked and went inside. once inside it was business as usual, i collected the items i came for, waited in line to check out, told the cashier i did not have my cvs card on me, and paid. and that's when things got interesting...
i exited the store and there he was kicking the shit out of my front tire (pausing every few seconds to scream at it). slowly, i approached trying to determine what the best course of action was. eventually, i decided i would first try talking to him. after all, he was, regardless of his condition, still a human being.
"sir, um, excuse me, that's my car your kicking."
no response.
i tried again, "excuse me, sir, can you please stop kicking my tire, i'd like to leave."
this time he stopped. he looked up at me and for the slightest of moments i saw what i thought was the glimmer of recognition behind his eyes that reminds people to not repeatedly kick the tire on a stranger's car.
but, alas, the moment soon passed. he screamed something at me that sounded like "gorillas don't run up hot dog nation" (though i could be mistaken) and returned to the task at hand, kicking my tire.
at this point i paused to regroup and consider my options (i also made a mental note to consider getting one of those car alarms key chains, my thinking being had i had one of these alarms and pushed the button on the key chain, the alarm probably would have scared him away):
option a. call the police -- upside, a presumably safe solution to resolve the situation. downside, i'd have to wait for the police to show up and probably would be stuck dealing with the situation for a lot longer then i would have liked.
option b. try and lure him away from my car by any means necessary and in the ensuing chaos make my escape -- upside, a presumably quicker resolution to the situation. downside, results not guaranteed, let alone guaranteed safe.
well, suffice to say, i opted for option b (with the caveat that if i was still trying to get him away from my car for longer then 5 minutes i would initiate option a).
so i reached into my pocket, pulled out a handful of change, yelled "hey" at the man, and when he turned to look at me i threw the change away from my car towards the far end of the parking lot. he watched transfixed as the change landed with symphony of clangs, he then mumbled (incoherently) and returned his attention to my tire (i.e. kicking it).
now, had this encounter taken place a couple of weeks ago, this moment would have probably signaled the end of my attempts to distract the homeless guy and get him away from my car without having to resort to calling the po-po. BUT thanks to the awesomeness that is my messenger bag, i still had one more card to play.
i opened up my bag and searched through its contents looking for something that i could use, and there at the very bottom of the bag was the super bouncy ball i had tossed in a few days ago in case i was out and about and in need of keeping myself entertained (also now in the bag for these purposes: silly putty, a slinky, and a yo-yo).
i pulled the super bouncy ball out (it was one of those rainbow colored ones), once again yelled, "hey," and then threw...
guy took off chasing after it like it had the secrets to life contained inside.
quickly, i ran around to the driver's side, unlocked my car, and got in. i looked up just in time to see him finally corral the ball into his hands, and he looked up just in time to see me start the ignition.
for a moment we both stared at each other, like something out of some bizarre david lynch western movie not yet made. then he blinked and took off running away from me and out of the parking lot, super bouncy ball still in hand.
i watched for a moment as he continued to get further away, and as i watched i considered where on the scale of exploitative and inappropriate behavior my choice to essentially treat this man like a dog by luring him away from my car with a modified game of fetch fell.
eventually concluding that he seemed a lot happier with the super bouncy ball then he ever did kicking my tire.
Friday, July 24, 2009
B.I.I.D.
i write one post about getting my hairscut and immediately i'm advertising hair removal products. how interesting.
well, take this ad sense, more amputee content...thanks to the lovely and talented jules for passing this along.
this being a story about a slightly different set of amputees. people with b.i.i.d. otherwise known as body integrity identity disorder. for those of you who don't know what body integrity identity disorder is, you really should start watching more grey's anatomy or nip/tuck or csi new york.
but to sum up, b.i.i.d. is basically a neurological disorder resulting in a psychological condition that causes a person to feel that he or she would be happier living life as an amputee and is usually, if not always, accompanied by the strong desire to amputate one or more healthy limbs in order to obtain this life.
fun stuff, huh.
not too long ago the science television program, catalyst took a closer look at the disorder. suffice to say, the results were fascinating.
well, take this ad sense, more amputee content...thanks to the lovely and talented jules for passing this along.
this being a story about a slightly different set of amputees. people with b.i.i.d. otherwise known as body integrity identity disorder. for those of you who don't know what body integrity identity disorder is, you really should start watching more grey's anatomy or nip/tuck or csi new york.
but to sum up, b.i.i.d. is basically a neurological disorder resulting in a psychological condition that causes a person to feel that he or she would be happier living life as an amputee and is usually, if not always, accompanied by the strong desire to amputate one or more healthy limbs in order to obtain this life.
fun stuff, huh.
not too long ago the science television program, catalyst took a closer look at the disorder. suffice to say, the results were fascinating.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
NJ
looks like my home state is back in the news, this time for a corruption scandal involving everything from political payoffs to illegal organ transplants. awesome.
even more awesome, one of the scandals' epicenters is the town of deal, nj (which is basically just a stone's throw away from my parent's house.
it seems the deal yeshiva and the ohel yaacob synagogue on ocean avenue in deal were both raided this morning by the fbi, irs, and monmouth county prosecutor's office.
one of my favorite quotes:
"new jersey's corruption problem is one of the worst, if not the worst, in the nation," said ed kahrer, who heads the fbi's white collar and public corruption investigation division. "corruption is a cancer that is destroying the core values of this state."
yeah, good ol' nj core values.
it's really a shame that the sopranos are no longer on, cause i would have liked to have seen a storyline that included the syrian rabbis/jews of deal and organ trafficking.
even more awesome, one of the scandals' epicenters is the town of deal, nj (which is basically just a stone's throw away from my parent's house.
it seems the deal yeshiva and the ohel yaacob synagogue on ocean avenue in deal were both raided this morning by the fbi, irs, and monmouth county prosecutor's office.
one of my favorite quotes:
"new jersey's corruption problem is one of the worst, if not the worst, in the nation," said ed kahrer, who heads the fbi's white collar and public corruption investigation division. "corruption is a cancer that is destroying the core values of this state."
yeah, good ol' nj core values.
it's really a shame that the sopranos are no longer on, cause i would have liked to have seen a storyline that included the syrian rabbis/jews of deal and organ trafficking.
Hairscut
i'm currently in the process of growing my hair out. i haven't decided yet how long i'm going to let it grow, but the longer i let it grow the curlier (read: jew fro) it gets, which i like.
once, from the fall of 2004 to the summer of 2005, i went about 9 months without a hairscut (yes, i say hairscut -- because i like to get more than one cut when i go, and both hair and hairs is the plural for hair, so i don't see why the word isn't or can't be hairscut). by the end my hair was pretty crazy. i probably won't let things get that out of hand this go around, but we'll see.
anyway, eventhough i'm growing my hair out i did go to the barber this morning. the reason being i wanted to get my neckline cleaned up and my sideburns trimmed/thinned out a bit as well.
normally for all my hairscutting needs i just go to Supercuts...this is because normally my hairscutting needs consist of a 2 on the sides and back, blended into a 3 up top with the electric razor.
today, however, i went to Floyd's 99 Barbershop.
it was an impromptu decision made while driving home from taking my brother to the airport this morning. i saw a sign advertising the burbank floyd's grand opening and decided to stop in.
now, before i proceed, i will say that the barber/stylist who cut my hair did a serviceable job (complete with shaving my neck line using a straight edge razor, which was very nice). not great, mostly because she was a bit keen to try to take off more than i wanted and i had to keep telling her to leave my hair alone, but for the most part it was fine (if i was keeping my hair short i would probably go back there next time i wanted a cut, but, seeing as how i'm not, i probably won't be visiting again anytime soon).
and now that those riveting details are out of the way, here's what made the trip worthwhile--
while cutting my hair the stylist asked me what i did for a living. i said i worked in the film industry. she then asked me if i knew anyone who was looking for any new reality tv programs. i told her i did not. at which point the conversation took a rather unexpected turn:
stylist: oh that's too bad. my cousin is crazy and she would be crazy on a reality tv show.
me: uh...
stylist: actually the show would have to be about her and her sister, my other cousin, who's retarted.
me: uh...
stylist: i'm serious yo, you have no idea the shit she does.
me: which one?
stylist: both of them. they're crazy.
me: i thought one of them was retarded.
stylist: i know right. just last night she didn't want to go to sleep so my cousin started hitting her and i was like, "don't hit her" and my cousin was like, "shut up she doesn't feel it, she's retarded" and i was like, "stupid, retarded people feel it when you hit them" and she was like, "how do you know what they feel, you're not retarded."
me: uh...
stylist: then she was like, let's see if she feels stuff and so she picked up a knife and she was gonna stab her or something and i was like, "girl, put that knife down" and she was like, "shut up, bitch" and then she chased my cousin around the house for like 10 minutes before finally giving up.
me: wow...
stylist: i know right, see i told you she should have her own reality show. wouldn't you watch that?
me: (long pause) yes?
stylist: yeah, i bet everyone would.
me: you know you could always videotape it and put it up on youtube or something and then maybe someone who is looking for a reality show might see it.
stylist: oh my god, i'm totally gonna videotape it.
and that's pretty much where the conversation and coincidentally the hairscut came to an end.
the bill for the cut was $14, i left her a $20...she had earned it.
and now i'm going to start searching youtube to see if anyone has uploaded any video in the last 12 hours featuring a retarded child being chased by her knife wielding sister.
stay tuned...
once, from the fall of 2004 to the summer of 2005, i went about 9 months without a hairscut (yes, i say hairscut -- because i like to get more than one cut when i go, and both hair and hairs is the plural for hair, so i don't see why the word isn't or can't be hairscut). by the end my hair was pretty crazy. i probably won't let things get that out of hand this go around, but we'll see.
anyway, eventhough i'm growing my hair out i did go to the barber this morning. the reason being i wanted to get my neckline cleaned up and my sideburns trimmed/thinned out a bit as well.
normally for all my hairscutting needs i just go to Supercuts...this is because normally my hairscutting needs consist of a 2 on the sides and back, blended into a 3 up top with the electric razor.
today, however, i went to Floyd's 99 Barbershop.
it was an impromptu decision made while driving home from taking my brother to the airport this morning. i saw a sign advertising the burbank floyd's grand opening and decided to stop in.
now, before i proceed, i will say that the barber/stylist who cut my hair did a serviceable job (complete with shaving my neck line using a straight edge razor, which was very nice). not great, mostly because she was a bit keen to try to take off more than i wanted and i had to keep telling her to leave my hair alone, but for the most part it was fine (if i was keeping my hair short i would probably go back there next time i wanted a cut, but, seeing as how i'm not, i probably won't be visiting again anytime soon).
and now that those riveting details are out of the way, here's what made the trip worthwhile--
while cutting my hair the stylist asked me what i did for a living. i said i worked in the film industry. she then asked me if i knew anyone who was looking for any new reality tv programs. i told her i did not. at which point the conversation took a rather unexpected turn:
stylist: oh that's too bad. my cousin is crazy and she would be crazy on a reality tv show.
me: uh...
stylist: actually the show would have to be about her and her sister, my other cousin, who's retarted.
me: uh...
stylist: i'm serious yo, you have no idea the shit she does.
me: which one?
stylist: both of them. they're crazy.
me: i thought one of them was retarded.
stylist: i know right. just last night she didn't want to go to sleep so my cousin started hitting her and i was like, "don't hit her" and my cousin was like, "shut up she doesn't feel it, she's retarded" and i was like, "stupid, retarded people feel it when you hit them" and she was like, "how do you know what they feel, you're not retarded."
me: uh...
stylist: then she was like, let's see if she feels stuff and so she picked up a knife and she was gonna stab her or something and i was like, "girl, put that knife down" and she was like, "shut up, bitch" and then she chased my cousin around the house for like 10 minutes before finally giving up.
me: wow...
stylist: i know right, see i told you she should have her own reality show. wouldn't you watch that?
me: (long pause) yes?
stylist: yeah, i bet everyone would.
me: you know you could always videotape it and put it up on youtube or something and then maybe someone who is looking for a reality show might see it.
stylist: oh my god, i'm totally gonna videotape it.
and that's pretty much where the conversation and coincidentally the hairscut came to an end.
the bill for the cut was $14, i left her a $20...she had earned it.
and now i'm going to start searching youtube to see if anyone has uploaded any video in the last 12 hours featuring a retarded child being chased by her knife wielding sister.
stay tuned...
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Amputee Tattoos
today's amputee content features some, "when life gives you lemon, make lemonade" type living in the form of tattoos.
Does This Ad Make Sense?
a little less than a month ago when i decided to get back in the blogging game and moved my blog over to blogger (and what a wild ride it's been since then), i set up google's ad sense program in my layout.
i did this not because i was expecting to make any serious coin from all the hits, but because i was curious to see how it worked and i thought it would be an easy way to keep track of site traffic.
one of the unexpected but more enjoyable aspects of this decision has been watching the ads change based on the current content contained in my posts.
for example, at one point (after several marijuana related posts) all my ads were for marijuana dispensaries and other marijuana related services (services, i might add, i was more than happy to help promote/advertise).
currently, however, i'm a bit perplexed by some of the ads.
i have a few messenger bag related one's -- which i get, given all my recent talk of messenger bags (though i'm not sure what about my blog makes ad sense think that either i or the people who read my blog would be interested in a messenger bag with a chrome PBR buckle, but i digress).
i also have an add for safeway, an add for a jewish dating website, and (last but not least) an add for customary jewish caskets.
ok, now, ignoring for the moment the whole sesame street scenario (i.e. one of these things is not like the other), i'd like to know why ad sense determined there was a need for a customary jewish caskets ad on my blog?
again, i get why, given all my recent jew talk, there are ads for jewish products, but i don't understand why said jewish products extend to include caskets.
was it all that talk of murderous rampage i was spewing early last week when the power tools wouldn't stop waking me up? why not an add for power tools?
i guess it really doesn't matter, point is, i find the whole thing somewhat entertaining...and so, in the spirit of keeping myself entertained (which is one of the main reasons i do this whole thing), i thought it might be interesting to see if i could get the ads on my site to begin advertising amputee related products/services.
why amputees? why not? also, i just came across this story about lie yeung (pictured), 27, who was warned earlier this week after police in china stopped him for driving his motorcycle without any arms.
apparently, mr. yeung had fitted a specially modified handlebar to the bike that allowed him to steer with his body (pretty inventive if you ask me).
in fact, he had been driving that way (with the handlebar, not on a motorcycle...at least i assume) for years after he lost both arms when he was seven years old after touching a live electric cable with both hands.
which would be a little sad (a seven year old losing his arms) if not for the happy ending. for you see his parents decided to hand him over to a circus when he was 10 so that he could earn money as a trick cyclist, and (amputee or not) every little boy dreams of being handed over to the circus when they're 10 (tangential aside - it's obvious why china is gaining/passing the united states in so many categories, look how good their parenting skills are).
so anyway, in case you start wondering why the increase in amputee related content on the blog over the next few days, now you know.
i did this not because i was expecting to make any serious coin from all the hits, but because i was curious to see how it worked and i thought it would be an easy way to keep track of site traffic.
one of the unexpected but more enjoyable aspects of this decision has been watching the ads change based on the current content contained in my posts.
for example, at one point (after several marijuana related posts) all my ads were for marijuana dispensaries and other marijuana related services (services, i might add, i was more than happy to help promote/advertise).
currently, however, i'm a bit perplexed by some of the ads.
i have a few messenger bag related one's -- which i get, given all my recent talk of messenger bags (though i'm not sure what about my blog makes ad sense think that either i or the people who read my blog would be interested in a messenger bag with a chrome PBR buckle, but i digress).
i also have an add for safeway, an add for a jewish dating website, and (last but not least) an add for customary jewish caskets.
ok, now, ignoring for the moment the whole sesame street scenario (i.e. one of these things is not like the other), i'd like to know why ad sense determined there was a need for a customary jewish caskets ad on my blog?
again, i get why, given all my recent jew talk, there are ads for jewish products, but i don't understand why said jewish products extend to include caskets.
was it all that talk of murderous rampage i was spewing early last week when the power tools wouldn't stop waking me up? why not an add for power tools?
i guess it really doesn't matter, point is, i find the whole thing somewhat entertaining...and so, in the spirit of keeping myself entertained (which is one of the main reasons i do this whole thing), i thought it might be interesting to see if i could get the ads on my site to begin advertising amputee related products/services.
why amputees? why not? also, i just came across this story about lie yeung (pictured), 27, who was warned earlier this week after police in china stopped him for driving his motorcycle without any arms.
apparently, mr. yeung had fitted a specially modified handlebar to the bike that allowed him to steer with his body (pretty inventive if you ask me).
in fact, he had been driving that way (with the handlebar, not on a motorcycle...at least i assume) for years after he lost both arms when he was seven years old after touching a live electric cable with both hands.
which would be a little sad (a seven year old losing his arms) if not for the happy ending. for you see his parents decided to hand him over to a circus when he was 10 so that he could earn money as a trick cyclist, and (amputee or not) every little boy dreams of being handed over to the circus when they're 10 (tangential aside - it's obvious why china is gaining/passing the united states in so many categories, look how good their parenting skills are).
so anyway, in case you start wondering why the increase in amputee related content on the blog over the next few days, now you know.
Monday, July 20, 2009
There's Room For One More
i wish i was quicker at mental math, that way i'd have a better chance of figuring out whether the elevator full of really, really fat people was safe to ride or whether it was too close to the load limit.
also, in the same vein, i suppose that is one of those rare instances in life when experience working at an amusement park "guess your age/weight" station might prove to have some real world practical application.
also, in the same vein, i suppose that is one of those rare instances in life when experience working at an amusement park "guess your age/weight" station might prove to have some real world practical application.
Oh Kelly. Oh Kelly.
those that know me well know that when it comes to dating, i only have one unbreakable rule...never date someone with the same name.
the reason for this rule is simple: you'll never be sure whether they are calling out your name or their name in bed.
you could be making sweet, sweet love with the most narcissistic person on the planet and you'd never know.
there are other problems to be sure, though usually these problems affect other people more than they affect you (e.g. figuring out how to differentiate between the two of you when trying to tell a story about something you all did together, figuring out how to avoid falling into an abbott and costello routine when calling to speak with one of you on the phone, figuring out how to take the right urine sample from the fridge and avoiding the awkward mix up that results in a man being told he's pregnant when he gets drug tested for work-- what? sometimes you have to rely on friends for clean urine), but they all pale in comparison to the dirty talk conundrum, which is what ultimately causes these things to go bad.
you may think i'm kidding about all this, but i assure you that i'm not.
getting into a relationship with someone who has the same first name as you is getting into a relationship that is doomed to fail.
don't get me wrong, in the few times in my life i've born witness to a friend starting a relationship with someone with the same first name as them, i always offer the same wishes for happiness and an enjoyable life together that i would for any of my friends dating people with different first names. but when the end comes, and inevitably it always does, i am never surprised.
in fact, i thought by now most people had basically come to accept this tenet as a universal truth.
but, apparently, i was mistaken.
meet kelly hildebrandt...and his fiance kelly hildebrandt.
that's right. these kids aren't even married yet and they share not one, but two of the same names...which takes this into an entirely new degree of creepy (something not even a hyphen can fix).
and how did this storybook romance begin. of course, via the internet.
it seems kelly (girl) was searching facebook to see how many other kelly hildebrandts there were out there in the virtual world, and it turned out the answer was only one. (boy) kelly hildebrandt.
naturally she sent him a message, and the rest, as they say, is history...
well kelly and kelly, i wish you good luck and a lifetime of happiness together, but if (when) things go bad, don't say i didn't warn you and don't come crying to me.
the reason for this rule is simple: you'll never be sure whether they are calling out your name or their name in bed.
you could be making sweet, sweet love with the most narcissistic person on the planet and you'd never know.
there are other problems to be sure, though usually these problems affect other people more than they affect you (e.g. figuring out how to differentiate between the two of you when trying to tell a story about something you all did together, figuring out how to avoid falling into an abbott and costello routine when calling to speak with one of you on the phone, figuring out how to take the right urine sample from the fridge and avoiding the awkward mix up that results in a man being told he's pregnant when he gets drug tested for work-- what? sometimes you have to rely on friends for clean urine), but they all pale in comparison to the dirty talk conundrum, which is what ultimately causes these things to go bad.
you may think i'm kidding about all this, but i assure you that i'm not.
getting into a relationship with someone who has the same first name as you is getting into a relationship that is doomed to fail.
don't get me wrong, in the few times in my life i've born witness to a friend starting a relationship with someone with the same first name as them, i always offer the same wishes for happiness and an enjoyable life together that i would for any of my friends dating people with different first names. but when the end comes, and inevitably it always does, i am never surprised.
in fact, i thought by now most people had basically come to accept this tenet as a universal truth.
but, apparently, i was mistaken.
meet kelly hildebrandt...and his fiance kelly hildebrandt.
that's right. these kids aren't even married yet and they share not one, but two of the same names...which takes this into an entirely new degree of creepy (something not even a hyphen can fix).
and how did this storybook romance begin. of course, via the internet.
it seems kelly (girl) was searching facebook to see how many other kelly hildebrandts there were out there in the virtual world, and it turned out the answer was only one. (boy) kelly hildebrandt.
naturally she sent him a message, and the rest, as they say, is history...
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well kelly and kelly, i wish you good luck and a lifetime of happiness together, but if (when) things go bad, don't say i didn't warn you and don't come crying to me.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Don't Try This At Home
if i've said it once, i've said it a thousand times. leave the belly dancing to trained professionals.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Shameless Self Promotion Alert
the bluecat screenplay competition semi-finalists were just announced, and one of my most recent scripts, "The End of August" made the list (top 1% of over 3200 submissions). go me.
but don't anyone worry about me getting a big head, as i'm about to go put in my brand new nightguard that is supposed to help cure my tmj...and really nothing brings you back down like wearing a nightguard (of course if it helps, i won't really give a shit).
but don't anyone worry about me getting a big head, as i'm about to go put in my brand new nightguard that is supposed to help cure my tmj...and really nothing brings you back down like wearing a nightguard (of course if it helps, i won't really give a shit).
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I Hate Power Tools
the construction continues. we are now on day 2. if you would like to see what life has been like for me for the past 2 days, keep replaying the video below at full volume on a continuous loop from the hours of 8am - 5pm (you may stop for approx 45 min. for lunch).
at this rate, i really think there's a good chance that i end up going on a michael douglas "falling down" style rampage, killing the entire construction crew.
at this rate, i really think there's a good chance that i end up going on a michael douglas "falling down" style rampage, killing the entire construction crew.
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